Saturday, October 27, 2007

Where You Been?

I dig fall.

Hubby is out at a football game with his dad and won't be home until the wee hours of night. Here I sit in my fuzzy vest and boots (boot season! finally!), sipping a freshly brewed cup of mulled wine, writing and stockpiling some articles, blog posts and other bits of words for when I am away next week at my work's annual conference.

You see, I have been a writing machine. You just can't tell it from here.

In addition to a little rock-n-rock blog that hubby, me and some of his pals have begun, I have also accepted a gig blogging about fertility in a much less personal and exposed way than here at Maybe Baby. That blog actually has my whole real name on it. Yikes. AND somehow hubby and I landed the job of "nightlife insiders" for our city's local rag. All that in addition to our day jobs, which are both fairly full of words, words, words.

So, all of that has been awesome, fantastic, wonderful! And proof that the world really does keep moving even when time seems to be at a standstill waiting for the start of the next DE attempt. If anything, these side projects are making the clock move a little faster towards December.

I dig fall, but I am not so crazy about Halloween.

When I was younger, I didn't mind it. Candy is awesome. But my costume was never as cool or as clever as I wanted it to be and our dad always managed to dig way deep into our stashes and eat the good stuff before my brother and I got to it. So, Halloween. It wasn't my favorite, but I didn't hate it.

Hubby, on the other hand, loathes it. Hates the idea of the holiday - both pagan and religious forms of it - is disgusted with the idea of kids begging for unnecessary items, isn't crazy about sweets and most of all, cannot stand a night where wearing masks and disguising your identity is encouraged and rewarded.

As you can see, it causes real existential pain to him.

Yessir. That's my hubby.

Meanwhile, here I am blogging about identity issues while trying to keep track of no less than 4 google accounts and as many log ons for various projects and publications. I don't think I could take one more layer of anonymity. I just might implode.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Ain't I a Woman?

Just because it is now a physical possibility to conceive using someone else's eggs doesn't mean the mind is so willing to make that jump.

If you haven't read Kami at Are We There Yet, I strongly recommend you check out her latest post and the comments that come with it.

I have been struggling with the N.G.E. (not good enough) vibe for a while. Even before the idea of trying to have a baby popped into our minds. Crazy how reading more feminist literature and trying to get more in tune with my female side has resulted in more feelings of inadequacy than I ever experienced in my misogynist Henry Miller-reading- I-don't-hang-out-with-girls- knee-jerk-anti-feminist- reactionary days of college. Funny how so many of our new feminist writers begin their tomes based in our wombs, in our eggs, in our ovaries. From here, everything begins. True, to a point, but what happens when those things, those things that by their very essence, make us female, aren't working? Aren't there? Aren't responding to our female brains?

Does that make us less female? Am I less of a woman? Are you?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Funny Stuff

Last night I met a very cool girlfriend after work.

As part of my feminist book club, she is "in the know" as far as the whole trying to have a baby thing. I came out to them earlier this week. A handful knew (well, 2), but I was feeling kind of bad about whispering updates to them in the corner while other women in the room didn't know. Plus, another one of our members was recently diagnosed with PCOS and has been very open about it. Her honesty about her feelings and call to the group for support made me feel like a bit of a heel for not sharing more of myself with this group of women who came together in the first place to give each other a little bit of peace and moral support and fun and reasons to frolic and laugh on Sunday afternoons.

Oh yeah, we read sometimes too.

Anyway, me and one of the kegelettes (as we call ourselves) were sharing an afternoon drink and she asked for clarification on the whole egg donor process. I explained, "it's just like IVF but with someone else's eggs."

"Oh! So it's just like Taylor and Nick in the Bold and the Beautiful!" And then she gave a hilarious and succinct summary of the storyline thus far.

And I said, "um, yeah, but without the multiple divorces, remarriages, life threatening diseases and scheming ex-wives and eggs of said ex-wives."

Other than that, it is exactly the same.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Feng Shui-ing It Up

The Second Happiness Challenge comes at a very good time: October our most stressful month at work due to a huge conference at the end of it and a boss that thrives on procrastination and pressure. And it seems we have some time on our hands until our cycle begins. All the more time to get our minds and bodies prepared.

Still struggling with meditation but I think I've found the book for me. Mark Thornton, author of Meditation in a New York Minute, promises me that I "can be super busy, super successful and super calm at the same time." I am down with that.

I am sure that meditation purists will cringe at that statement. But hey, I am willing to give it a shot - at least a read.

In the meantime, I've decided maybe I need to get some more positive chi flowing. Not only through me but our apartment as well. Hence my recent library acquisitions regarding feng shui. So far, it's all a little too new-agey for me, but there are definitely some pieces of it that make sense. De-cluttering and always making the bed are a good things. Trying to avoid dark corners, sharp edges and dampness - cool. Before I start balancing the ying and yan in my living room, I am just going to work towards this goal:

"Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful."
-William Morris

I started on the kitchen this morning this morning. Now I'm taking a break before I continue feng shu-ing it up. At the very least, I hope to use the exercise itself as a type of meditation. Freeing up space around me to hopefuly air out some dark corners and sharp edges in my mind.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Happy New Year?

We got a call from the clinic yesterday morning. Our new donor is on board! Great news.

But it turns out that she won't be available until December with a retrieval and transfer scheduled around the 13th of January.

That's so far away!

I begged and pleaded with the nurse yesterday to see if the cycle couldn't be pushed up to a sooner date. She said no and cited schedules, clinic schedules, holidays, the donor's recent transfer to another couple, yada, yada, yada.

So, I was excited, but not.

My Nurse called today to give me some actual dates and her reasoning behind them made a lot more sense. Turns out our donor has gone back to school and she can't miss any more classes this semester. The December schedule is to accomodate her winter break.

Well, why didn't you say so? I can't hate on getting knowledge, can I? You go, girl. Go get your smart on.

And then please come make us some smart eggs.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Meditation, Take Two

Ok! Now I am ready!

I realized pretty quickly that meditation was not innate for me. I need some help.

Luckily, hubby is a huge fan of the public library and has been known to make several trips there in the course of one week. I took advantage of his lunchtime stroll today and placed a TON of books on hold for him to pick up for me.

Among them:
the Joy Within - A Beginner's Guide to Meditation
Chakra Breathing Meditations - 3 Guided Practices to Unify Body, Breathing and Mind
Two books on Feng Shui

And Wikis for Information, Work and Collaboration, but that's another story.

What a haul! And that's not even counting the handful of CDs he picked up for himself. I am still waiting for the book that I want the most - Meditation in a New York Minute - that comes tomorrow.

I heart the library.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

If It Feels So Right....

Sometimes, I freak myself out a little bit thinking too hard about the whole ART thing.

Have you ever seen Gattica? There's a scene in it where the parents of the protagonist are meeting with their geneticist to discuss their second son (their firstborn, the protagonist, was a product of a natural conception and birth - unheard of in the future!) the geneticist was mixing and cutting and pasting their genetic material via computer screen to minimize disease, maximize potential. The parents were pretty freaked out. As were we as we watched the scene and realized how similar it was to how we felt when we had the mandatory meeting with the geneticist in the previous weeks, drawing family trees and thinking back to any defects or disabilities anyone in our family may have had.

The whole concept of human intervention in the most sacred of acts, reproduction and conception does bother me if I let it.

But then I remember that human intervention was the reason that I'm going down this path in the first place and I'm like, "F*** you you F***ers. [to no one in particular] You OWE me. Big. Letting me borrow an egg or two is the LEAST you can do. "

I've had far too much time to think between our last canceled cycle and our next attempt (still waiting for an update. Call me! Dammit!) so these are where my thoughts stray.

But then we get paid a visit by some of our most favorite people in the world, who happen to bring their little 8 month old son in tow. This beautiful little thing is the product of IVF, after several failed attempts.

We babysat the little one while our pals went to a concert Saturday night. They were thrilled to have a "date." We were thrilled to see if we could actually manage a baby by ourselves.

We could. We did. We kicked a**.

Ok, so it wasn't as uneventful as our first babysitting attempt, but this one was much more fun. Sure, he woke up from his nap totally disoriented and bothered that his parents weren't around (I probably would have too), but we improvised, we entertained, we found a middle ground (no, we are not going to go for walks all night long, but we can hang out on this bench for a while since you seen to be so fascinated with cars). It was awesome.

So, the parents came home late that night and found their little one sleeping in the Pack-n-Play we borrowed from hubby's mom and us, glowing, because the apartment was still in one piece and we had gotten him there with minimum effort. We did it!

Spending the weekend with this sweet thing made us realize, yes, we can handle a baby ('cause, sometimes I do wonder if we romanticize this whole endeavor) and dammit, despite what I think about ART and IVF and all those male doctors in white coats, if they can make something like him happen, how can that be wrong?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Late Night Reflections

So, I'm sitting here, playing some video games with the person I love the most in the whole world. Perhaps I've drunk a few too many beers. We are listening to album after album, staying up late on a work night. Just because we can. We are listening to an old Manu Chao album, which inevitably makes me a little teary and reminiscent. And so happy about the life we have had together and the life we have had so far. Together.

And you know what? If we have a baby, that would be the coolest thing ever.

And if we don't.

Well, it will be ok.

It will be ok.

I can't think of having a better life than the one I have now with the person I am with right now.

(Unless, of course, that meant sharing it with someone else. Someone small and cute.)

But if that doesn't happen....

Dammit, I am still one of the luckiest girls on earth.

Tu no tienes la culpa mi amor.....

Um, ohm?

So there I was, sitting here in my little sun room this morning, trying to be a good blogger and participant in the Second Happiness Challenge, and, well, shit.

I don't think I know how to meditate.

I mean, 10 minutes is a really long time, don't you think?

I'm not really sure what to do with my Self.

If I start thinking about work, do I need to start over? If I start thinking about blogging, do I need to start over? Does it not count if I have a cup of coffee next to me? If I get bored can I do some stretches or sun salutations or something? Do I have to be still?

Can I just go hang out on my back porch with my cup of coffee and be quiet? Does that count?

Oh man. You already know I'm not down with the yoga, and I think I am pretty self-focused and aware (perhaps a little too focused?), but I really do want to give this a shot. Any helpful sites or sources I should look to?