Sunday, January 27, 2008

How I Spent My Weekend

  1. Went to a smoky bar to hear a loud punk rock band.
  2. Enjoyed a Bell's Best Brown Ale with hubby.
  3. Had a full cup of coffee and a BIG chocolate cookie for breakfast.
  4. Had fantastic sex.
  5. Rested my laptop on my lap without getting reprimanded by hubby.
  6. Hung photos, curtains, lifted a ton of boxes and other heavy things.
  7. Had a nice conversation with my parents (a rarity).
  8. Ate smoked salmon and soft cheese.
  9. Went to the gym and overexerted myself. Because I could.

And in a few hours, I will drink a lovely glass of Spanish red wine with my medium rare steak at my in-laws house.

What I didn't do this weekend:
  1. mope.
  2. my taxes (on my to do list).
Depending on how brave we feel, we may just bring FIL into our circle of "who knows." Because, frankly, I think MIL is about to burst and she needs someone to talk to. I think this failed cycle has been harder on her than us - at least we have each other to hug.

I want to thank all of you for your comments, your calls, your emails, and for adding to my repertiore of naughty words. I love this one:

“Sh*t the bed, Ethel!”

Monday is a new day. 6 am daily gym visits begin again. I now have a whole new opportunity to get into fighting form before the next transfer (I was still a few pounds over my target BMI this time). I really appreciated your feedback and your sharing your own experiences with failed and successful cycles. We will be talking with our doc and they may or may not decide to switch up our protocol for the next go 'round.

The way I see it, the next time 'round won't be such an utter and absolute shock to my womb, which has been barren for so long, that I am sure it had no idea what to do with those little guys. Here's my impression of my confused womb:

"What the F*ck am I supposed to do with this? What do you want? A pearl?"

Hopefully, next time, she'll know the plot.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Wish I Had Better News

But I don't. It's a negative. A BFN.

And actually, telling folks is the hardest part. Harder than anything. Sharing the grief is so much worse than keeping it between us. Esp. when our circle of support has been so supportive. But there's not too many to tell, and hopefully, we're known for dealing with adversity ok.

Different people deal with grief differently. What I need, what helps me the most, is a lot of four letter words in creative combinations. Somehow, I would rather hear "FUCK! That fucking blows donkey balls!" than, "I'm really sorry." Even though the sentiment is more or less the same. So, if you have any favorite four-lettered combos, or hubby's favorite (leftover from life as a substitute teacher) words that are so close to expletives but not enough to get you suspended, I would LOVE to hear them.

Next steps: So many of you unfortunately know this routine. All meds stop. Wait for a bleed. Go back on birth control. Reassess for next cycle. Which, yes, I think we are going to try. But the one question we have is, how will next time be different than this time?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

It Is Sweet and Reassuring

When your real life friends are more anxious for the results of your beta than you are. Thank you.

Hubby was in a spill-the-beans kind of mood this week so now my little brother and our last (very close) friend that didn't know, now know. And that's a relief. Now, all that's left are my folks and hubby's dad and sister. And that will come with time. When it's time. My brother was so incredulous. It was adorable. "But.....that's impossible!!! can't be!!" Ah, but I could be. That's what we'll find out today.

We were at the door of our local lab in the strip mall at 7:30 am this morning when the lights turned on (us and all the oldsters), and you're damn right if you guessed that I speed walked to beat them to the sign in sheet.

So, now, we are waiting. I'm guessing the call from Nurse will come late this afternoon. I'm working from home today. So is hubby.

You know we've already seen a negative result from an HPT earlier this week, so if the news is bad, it won't be a total shock. But we are still holding out for a little bit of somethin' somethin' to appear.

C'mon, little something.

UDPATE: it's 5:40 pm EST and no news yet. Nurse promised to bug the lab but no results are ready yet and now she's obviously gone for the night. Ugh. Looks like we'll know tomorrow in the a.m.

Monday, January 21, 2008

I Should Have Listened to You

I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to tell you this.

Took an HPT this morning and there was only one line.

And while I know that I probably jumped the gun, that it doesn't mean anything just yet, that I probably should have just kept my damn pants on and waited until the beta on Thursday like 8 of you said, I am a little bit of wreck this morning.

I keep vacillating between "I know they are in there and doing well. I just know it," and "Sh*t. F*ck. C*cks*cking motherf*cking @#$## F*ck."

Luckily, Melissa said that better than I this morning.

I'm still feeling optimistic (70% of the time). I had mild cramping all day yesterday which I'm figuring was a.) a good sign of at least one seedling implanting, b.) a bad sign that I don't want to think about or c.) gas.

I just read through all of the comments from this post and am feeling a little better seeing that waiting Amy didn't test positive until 15 dpo and now she's pregnant with twins.

15 dpo will be Wednesday.

Friday, January 18, 2008

(Almost) The Strangest Dream Ever

While not nearly as disconcerting as this one, I had an incredibly bizarre, yet relevant dream earlier this week.

From what I can recall, it started out in a hospital changing room. I was disrobing and changing into the standard paper gown. "Open in the back, please." Someone escorted me to a waiting room, which was much nicer than the usual variety. There were cushioned benches along the walls and in the corners, there were actually bed-type lounges. It was nicely lit. I was pleasantly surprised.

Almost as soon as I got comfortable, a nurse brought in another woman who looked like she had just had some trauma/bad news/icky procedure. There was definitely distress and the nurse suggested that she should take one of the bed-lounges to relax. Of course. Of course! I even helped the woman go lay down and pulled a curtain across the lounge to give her some privacy.

Next another nurse came in with another woman. Not as distressed, but also in need of a bed. Sure. Go ahead. But then I went to sit down on one of the comfy benches and saw that they weren't there anymore. And that this waiting room that had been spacious and accomodating, now only had the two beds (now taken) and some crappy plastic chairs wedged under bright lights. No way! I started to protest when the nurse started urging me to the chair. Then I looked at my watch and was shocked to realize I had actually been in this nether-room for four hours!

I did what my non-dreaming self would have probably done - I freaked the f*ck out. I busted out of the room in my gown and started wandering the halls demanding to talk to somebody. Demanding an explanation for why I was kept in this wierdness for so long.

At this point, I am navigating halls in an office chair, using it as a vehicle for my half-naked self. I find myself in a honeycomb of cubicles which are apparently home to financial advisors and pencil pushers and hospital admin types who are none too happy to see me. "What's she doing in here?" "Why is there a patient here?" They are so bothered! I am screaming at the top of my lungs - "I need to talk to someone RIGHT NOW!" [I must have let out a sob because I wake up briefly here and hubby is holding me. ]

Back asleep, I'm in a conversation with a Nurse Ratched MF who's soothing me the way you're taught to soothe a hysterical woman. Obviously, this makes me madder.

My pleas must eventually be heard because I am finally in what seems to be a place where appointments are actually taking place. It bears an uncanny resemblance to the dressing room at TJ Maxx or another discount department store. But there's a big therapeutic tub at the far end of it.

For some reason, I decide that I absolutely must bathe in this tub.

So I do. And as I am getting out of it, I realize that this dressing room/examination place is now filled with geriatric old men in dressing gowns. (They must have been given the instruction to have them open in the front.) Oh hell yes, there was octogenarian phallus everywhere. It was grosser than gross.

So, I'm bothered. I start making my way to my examination room, which I'm told by a suave gray-haired male doctor is the one all the way to the right, at the end of the row. I enter and it looks more like a den or a library. Nothing sterile. No stirrups here. I start putting my normal clothes back on, which are somehow here waiting for me.

The doctor comes in an says bluntly, "they told me you're pregnant, but you don't really believe that, do you?" I'm stunned so I don't say anything. I may eventually mumble, "no, I guess not." And then he says, "good, because there's simply no way of knowing and its not like there's a heartbeat or anything." And then he lights his cigar.

A fucking cigar.

I wake up absolutely committed to go in search of a midwife, a doula, some good old fashioned female wisdom to guide me through pregnancy and beyond.

As soon as we hear what's what.

I'm pleased to report no home pregnancy test has been purchased yet. We've decided to enjoy the weekend and maybe take one on Monday, which would be 13 days after fertilization. The blood test is scheduled for 2 days later.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

So, to Recap....

2 embies successfully transferred Friday morning.
12 in the freezer. (!!!!)
24+ hours bedrest (which is frigging harder than it sounds).

So now, I'm counting the minutes until I can POAS.

Tell me, when can I pee on the darn stick??

For the most part, everything still feels pretty unreal. Did it really happen? Are there really things inside of me? I mean, we're chatting to the seedlings nightly and you know, begging them to stick around. I definitely subscribe to the "I'm pregnant until proven otherwise" school of thought.

Part of me wants to make that feeling last. The other part, of course, just wants to know.

I had my first flutter of "holy sh*t this is real" this evening when I was coming home from the office. I was thinking to myself, I really shouldn't work so late; I am pregnant.....


Oh, just let me enjoy it.

And take my poll.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Free Stuff

FYI - I'm probably going to chill out for a few days. Think happy thoughts. Try not to be on the computer too, too much. Wait patiently for the 23rd to come 'round without peeing on a stick.

In the meantime, Fertility Notes is giving away free copies of Cindy Margolis' new book: Having a Baby…When the Old-Fashioned Way Isn’t Working: Hope and Help for Everyone Facing Infertility. I read it. It's not bad.

Click here to find out how to get your book


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Just Me?

Or is today the longest day ever? Is it really only 1:35 p.m.? Can a day get longer than this?

Don't answer that. I know the answer.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

"Holy Freakin' Hell"

17 fertilized.

In the words of the lab dude that just called me, "It doesn't get better than that."

In the words of hubby, "Holy freakin' hell."

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Way Too Much Information

"So, if you see something purple coming out of your vagina. Don't worry. Just stick it back in there."

Um. Ok.

Today was a big morning. Hubby spanked. I sobbed. Donor laid back while 20 EGGS (!!!!!!!!) were successfully retrieved....It's one p.m. and I am exhausted.

Hubby is hysterically funny when he's nervous. And his laugh is infectious. So the early part of the morning (his part) went swimmingly. (har har) I thought I was fine until I peeked over on the counter and saw the implements needed to add a (purple, it seems) stitch to my secret spot. (not a cerlage. This actually functions as a handle so that my cervix can be pulled into a straight line during the day of transfer, so there is no navigating tight corners in there when live embies are on board. Imagine if you will, my uterus as marionette...)

So, yeah, I saw the needles and boom. Started as a whimper. Soon developed into a full blown sob. Snot and everything. Poor Nurse, who had just left us as we were laughing and making inappropriate jokes, walked in to find me a wreck.

I calmed myself. Doc came in. Was great. Walked me through the process. Was as gentle as she could be. And like the PIO shots (which we gave a little too close to the sciatic nerve for Nurse's comfort. Oops. Sorry) everything turned out ok. Not a walk in the park, but ok. Damn those needles. It's the thought of them, not the actual act that gets me in knots.

We're home now. We're fine. Just shared the news with my co-worker. And here's another reason why she is the best co-worker in the world. She called me a toughie. I denied it. I cried.
Her response:

So what? That doesn’t' mean you're not tough. :) I cried thinking about my first BM after I crapped [my daughter] out. but I was still tough when I had to do the deed. Hahahaaa. That is so gross.
I hope you are laughing. Because I still am. Love that girl.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Giving Thanks

I love hubby.

I mean, I LOVE him with all my heart. And soul and self.

And dammit, it sure helps that he is the best shot giver in the world.

We've both been a little queasy thinking about these PIO shots. We studied. I printed off these fantastic tips from Nearly Dawn. He practiced. And finally, just a few minutes ago we did it.


And it was fine. Just don't tell anyone I have big magic marker X's across my cheeks to make sure he aims it right.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

100th Post

This is my 100th post here on The Maybe Baby so I'd better make it good, right?

How about this:

Hubby and I were going a little stir crazy today so we went for a long walk and a trip to the gym. Came home to a phone message telling us that our beautiful donor is triggering TONIGHT.

Retrieval is Tuesday. Transfer is Friday.

Nurse friend H. if you are reading this, you are going to be getting a call from me in about a minute to ask for your help with the first progesterone shot tomorrow night.

Friday, January 4, 2008


My lining is measuring "7.5" in whatever they use to measure uterine lining. Our clinic's preference is "8" or higher but Nurse is not bothered. "'s splitting hairs. You're fine." She says. We're waiting for the results of my blood test and then she'll call to let me know if I should up my estrogen or leave well enough alone.

Meanwhile, donor is doing just great. She has 24 (24!!!) follicles all maturing nicely. If all goes well, she'll trigger over the weekend, retrieval will probably be Wednesday (Wednesday!!!) along with a visit to the spankatorium for hubby and a quick procedure to put in a stitch for me. If all goes well there, we are planning on a transfer next Saturday. Dizzy. Yes. I am a little dizzy.

While we were at the clinic, we asked Nurse for a quick refresher course on giving the PIO injections. Remember, it's been months since our first lesson and we've had no experience with the big needles as yet.

The first time we sat through this tutorial, I cried. This time, hubby had the tears in his eyes.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Creme de la Creme

Wow! Wow! Wow! Welcome to you lovely ladies who have wandered over from the Creme de la Creme and thank you for your awesome comments. I am going to set aside a good chunk of tomorrow evening to read through more of the great posts that Melissa has compiled here. Have I mentioned that I love Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters? D*mn. What a great site.

If you liked hearing about Fertile Hope, please let me share some other links with you:

The Surviving and Moving Forward (SAMFund) offers grants and scholarships to young adult survivors. I have the SAMFund to thank for $2500 that will go towards our donor egg IVF (which, by the way, is just around the corner). The application process is a little long and detailed (be prepared to dig up your old tax returns) but worth it.

The International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination, Inc (INCID) offers scholarships to those considering IVF but in financial need. I haven't applied for this so I am not sure how extensive this application is, but hey, might as well try, right?

In just a day, I'll be heading to my clinic for an ultrasound and some blood work. If all goes well, retrieval and transfer are just a week away. When I reminded hubby that his next trip to the spankatorium was just days away, he started to panic just a little. Oh how different things are now that he'll be the one that has to do the shooting (as it were).

Things are starting to feel a little real.