Friday, February 12, 2010

What One Does

When one is at the lowest of lows...wait, I should say, what I did, when at the lowest of lows, was to surrender.

I confessed to myself and to you I was overwhelmed. Drowning in sorrow, grief, self-pity. Unable to see any way out of the mire. And I just sat with that for a while. Because I think you have to. The rest of the workweek is for denial. The day of delivery of bad news is for sitting with it. So I did.

And when M. came home I blurted it all out in one non-stop sentence. And then I let him sit with it for a while too. Which is hard, by the way, when you have had hours to digest something and then you have to watch that process unfold in someone else. I tried not to rush him through. Tried to let him come to his own conclusions.

And then we went out. And cried a little more. And then the soothing began. Frankly, the soothing began as soon as the first emails and comments came in. You soothed me.

Not only did you soothe my heart, you humbled me with your thoughts and offers of kindnesses I will not detail here. But wow.

I know it is awfully hard to be supportive when you know there is something going on with someone who is being incredibly cryptic about it all. But dammit, you found a way.

Thank you.

Monday, February 8, 2010


Tell me.

What does one do when the waves of bad news and heartbreaking statements simply


What does one do? What am I supposed to do. Please, someone. Tell me.

Tell me how to share this news with my beloved husband, someone who, on a good day, is not quite sure why he's getting out of bed and pretending. Pretending anything matters now that his daughters are dead and every



of trying again just reveals more and more layers of bad news. How am I supposed to do this?


I know things cannot be as bad as they seem right now. But right now, damn.

I thought grief and all that comes with it was supposed to happen in waves. How can I catch my breathe if there is no ebb and flow?

I am waiting for a free pass here. Waiting for some divine intervention to tap fate on the shoulder and say, "now, now, don't you think m's had enough? Why don't you let them alone for a while?"

Please, fate. (chance, circumstance, gods, whatEVER) Please leave us alone. At least long enough to lick our wounds before you inflict more.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Aw Hey

Life's not so bad. Really it isn't.

Of course we went to happy hour.

And of course right at the depths of his "whatamIdoinghere?" angst about work, some things happened over the course of the day that made M. realize its not all bad. And that his young and ambitious (and sometimes a little bossy) boss has the exact same thoughts he does. And she IS all about the corporate track. And maybe it is time to start looking around for something else. But in the meantime, while M's hard, hard work may not reflect in his paycheck, damn, those health insurance benefits, some of which we never ever had before, have been so necessary this year. I'm not sure what we would have done without them.

But we'll make a plan. We always do. Fine tune it over a Bell's or a Dogfish Head. And then try to make something happen.

Me? Oh hey, I'm just handling the reprecussions of my own resolutions. My crises are completely of my own making. And they're not baaaad, they're just, well, hard.

I asked for more autonomy and authority at work. And shit. I got it. And shit. It's not easy. Especially when I feel pretty strongly about having down time during my week. Keeping things to 40 hours is unrealistic, but I get incredibly cranky and resentful when things push past 50. So, there's that.

And I told myself I would make more time to say yes to friends and family and that takes, well, time.

And I am trying to be a better partner. Someone who is able to hold up and support M in his deepest hours as well as he does that for me.

So, I'm just trying to make all this happen, and hang on to the hope of a family, and stay sane.

and kick some dodge ball ass.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Just a Bit

So, BlogHer tells me my blog's been dormant for another two weeks.


So, um, whadyawannaknow?

Some things are creeping slowly forward. Other things feel hopelessly stalled (but then I realize I'm being all dramatic. they're not. they just FEEL it). We're playing dodgeball and wouldn't you like to know about that?! Maybe later. Another post. It definitely deserves its own post. Work is kicking my ass. Work is bringing M down, down, down....

Into a state that turns a LOST episode filled with resurrections and time travel into a tenuous and sad precursor of a night with no sleep. Or at least no good dreams. A night of if only's....

Sigh. This babies grieving is hard.

And a W2 really should never, ever, be used to quantify one's own self worth. Or question past decisions. Or wonder if a life not on the corporate path was one you really wanted. (well, yes. IMHO, yes)

But it's not me we're talking about. So I'll just keep my mouth shut and keep on hugging.

And hope we're making a trip to happy hour this fine evening. Cause I sure would like a beer.