Thursday, October 6, 2011

Now where did that thought go?

I feel as if I went to sleep last night with this fantastic idea for a post. One that had nothing to do with loss or trying or failing or anything related to family-building. But it had to do with ME, with something I was feeling, or thinking through, and thought some of you might be too. It was something I wanted to talk about.

And damn if I can remember.

I spent some time this morning looking around my desk, in my purse for that mythical post-it note or scrap or napkin I hoped I had scribbled something down on (do you do this?). Sigh. Nothing. Except for that other note about that other post that I hadn't forgotten about I've just been too lazy/busy to do.

Damn it.

About music? Hmm, maybe, don't think so. Work? Perhaps, but what do I have to say that's new there? Politics? Well, it is a shitty time for women in general....argh. I'm not young but I am FAR too young to let cogent thoughts slip through my fingers like this.

So, as you can see, it's driving me crazy. And to add to the crazy, I've got this general sense of unease. It's like as I'm sifting through my brain, instead of finding the data I want, I'm unearthing all of these other things - like, oh, I said that last week? I probably shouldn't have. I mentioned this to that person. Oh dear. Bad idea. Instead of discovering my brilliant idea up in there, my brain is handing me a stack of reasons to doubt myself and make me feel like crap. "Hey, m., here's a list of all the ways you sucked recently."

Stupid brain.

So there you have it. There's something I wanted to throw out there. I can't remember. I'm sure once I do it won't be nearly as fabulous as I originally thought. It's early. Perhaps my mind's still hazy. Perhaps there's just too much in there.

The writing of this post was interrupted by a 15 minute call from boss which is indicative of how things have been lately. Working while at home. Taking care of non-work things in the office. There are no boundaries. I'm struggling mightily with the mystical/mythical work/life balance. But when work invades my dreams nightly, that's when I get cranky. I should not be dreaming of agendas and emails.

I should be spending more time remembering what the hell it was that I wanted to write about.

I'm feeling a need to cleanse. To wash away some of that junk in my brain. To find some space between life and office. To get rid of some unnecessary static -like the revelation I had the other night. If this person's posts make my eyes roll, why am I reading them? If these status updates make me grit my teeth, why are they in my reader? If my shoulders tense when I see that number on my phone, why do I answer it right away without taking a moment to breathe? I don't have to add to my own grrrr. Yet I do. I need to stop. And pro-actively start cleaning up my space. Physically and mentally.

I'm thinking of a Reiki session or two. Because I've been thinking about it for a while and my acupuncturist is on vacation.

Thoughts on Reiki? Good, bad, indifferent? Will I leave just wishing I would have gotten a real massage?