Thursday, July 8, 2010


Immobile. Unable to move or function properly. Useless. This is how I feel today.

Between the list of things that I keep trying to accomplish (none of which is impossibly hard) and sneaking peaks at agency fees for gestational carriers (which range from oh. my. fucking. god. to RUFKM!!! to pass the salts I am going to faint) I am frozen in front of my computer today. I see my hands fluttering across the keyboard, but nothing is getting done. I can feel the wheels and gears of my brain turning but I cannot see how to move beyond the point at which we are right now. And I don't want to be here right now.

So I am trying to grab at the low hanging fruit on the to do list. Make a phone call - check. Answer an email - check. Refill my stapler - done. Trying to stuff more activities into an already jam-packed summer so there are as few moments as possible to look at each other and quietly think about what we would rather be doing. Peace = no! Quiet = bad! I am trying to grasp that little spot of hope that usually hangs out someplace inside of me. Dammit, where did that little bugger go?

My heart is racing and I can't make it stop. I am in this heightened state of anxiousness that I can't define. Its like I am now paying for being able to Keep my Shit Together for the last few weeks. Ok, week. I look at M. and it seems like there is always an existential crisis looming just below the surface. He gets impatient with me sometimes because I never begin our conversations. "Don't you have anything to say?" he'll say. But the truth is, sometimes I just don't know what topics are safe. What words won't swirl like a flushed toilet and pull us both into the shit.

But maybe I am just projecting?

I wonder if I'm projecting. I wonder if its me that isn't sure who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. I wonder if I'm the one that assigns weight to words that don't have any, or sets the eggshells down in front of our paths.

Christ. That thought just locked me up completely. My neck is so tight I am making myself dizzy.

Ok. That's it. That decided it. I am going to the gym. I've been yelling at myself to do that even since I woke up this morning. Inertia has trumped impetus.

Until now.

I am putting clothes on.
I am putting a "back soon" message on skype (how we stalk each other at work)
I am walking out the door and to the gym and I will sweat and probably cry and this feeling of frozen will go away for just a little bit.


4:26 pm edit: Right.


Anonymous said...


I've been feeling stuck for weeks and months now. So I definitely get that part...

No work scheduled for me Saturday and the pool's available.



caitsmom said...

You've described it so well. It's like the world spins around but someone you must crouch below; you don't even feel a breeze. Somewhere inside you're screaming to do something (love your description of grasping for low hanging fruit), but you can't. I got so I begged for the grief.

Kami said...

Ug. Lost my comment.

A shorter version . . .just coming down from your trip? From the joys of play to the realities of your job / regular life. Maybe even from higher amounts of sugar / caffeine / other drugs?

Would also love to hear your thoughts on this article: