Wednesday, August 11, 2010

With all due respect

Ok, Tuesday's post. It's gone. I deleted it. Because it didn't feel good keeping it up. Here's the long and the short of it:

My parents don't like each other and they haven't for a long time and that makes me really sad. It's also no fun to be around.

It upsets me when people have a need to explain other people's motivations as a way to justify something that's been said/done. Telling me someone was "terrified" to tell me something does not make that something sting any less. It doesn't negate my reaction. It is what it is. It's kinda like this:

So, while I sit here and try to process and try to clear some of the judgmental and mean thoughts from my head, let's focus on some better things:

We saw one of my favorite bands last night. And yes, it was disappointing that they didn't play songs from the album that M and I love, but they were here. And we were there. And it was a pretty awesome evening.

One of our best friends turns 40 today. And damn, she looks good.

My birth brother (half brother? is that how that works?) took first place in a 10 mile race last week with a time 2 minutes faster than the next guy. 14 minutes out ahead of the next guy in line. Holy crap. He's fast. I know this because the results were in the sweetest letter from my birth dad. One that puts us, after some shaky starts and some restarts, where I think I'd like to be. Where I hope he's ok with being.

And looking at my brother's 1:16:58 time makes me wonder if this running thing really isn't a fluke. Maybe after 3 decades of being labeled as not even remotely athletic, I really have found the thing that my body wants to do. That it was made to do.

Of course that's all a little dramatic, but that realization last night did feel like a "bum bah bum" kind of moment. Lights dim. Spotlight on. Zoom to close up and an expression of realization. Now I just need to get a little faster. Go a little longer. Ten miles is just around the corner, right?


still life angie said...

I read your post on Tuesday and wanted to go back and comment(I read on my blackberry and can't comment for some reason.) That scene is one of my favorite scenes ever. I actually think it often, "Eff you. Eff you. You're cool. Eff you."

Anyway, I couldn't agree more about people justifying other people. Actions. Words. Enuff said. Sometimes, especially on one's blog, it is just important to be heard, regardless of why whatever was said was said, and have a safe place to vent. IMHO, which is annoying, I realize.

And about your birth dad, that is awesome, m. And your brother the runner. I think it is incredible to see the close connections between family, even if in other ways you may seem miles apart. Sending you love. (Glad I was reading this on my computer rather than the BB.) Also Taladega Nights friggin' funny as hell.

ezra'smommy said...

Sigh. People justifying other people's motivations...gets so old...seems to imply that other people's motivations are more justified than our own emotional reactions...ugh. Angie said it best, a big 'eff you' to them all.

Silver said...

Still in awe of your running - something I'd love to be able to do but, unlike you, and clearly not built for. It does seem that it might be in your genes.

m said...

ang - I think our top ten movie list might be eerily similar.

e.m. - that is it! that is exactly it. It "seems to imply that other people's motivations are more justified than our own emotional reactions." Yes.

silver - don't be too awed. I may be getting to the point of blogging about running more than the actual act. I haven't seen my sneakers since Saturday morning. :-)

jill said...

Blah on family drama :( I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It sounds very unpleasant.

Yay for your brother and his awesome time! Maybe it IS in the genes :)

dana said...

Hmph. Justification, excuses, but's...all the same to me. After years of family drama, I've decided that personal responsibility is too much of a novel concept for people to grasp, really. For every action, there is a reaction. The 'why' doesn't make it better or worse, it just is what it is, and that's what I find people struggle with...always needing to explain things away.

Great reading about your birth father, and brother. Run feet, run!