Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Didn't Mean to Leave You Hanging

Well, hi.

I realized yesterday that I've left you hanging. I'm sorry.

Last week's ultrasound was great. Our little guy measured 5 weeks and 1 day, a few days short of what our doc predicted, but nothing out of the ordinary. Sac there. Fetal pole there. Now its time to get growing. Hoping to hear a heartbeat on the 16th.

Our GC is nothing shy of fantastic. This morning, she asked me a very honest question: how much do you want to know about this pregnancy? She promised to tell me everything, or nothing, what would I prefer?

I'm not sure.

It doesn't help that my mind is muddy this morning - last night's dal and mustard greens dinner was delicious, but it has both M and I a little doubled over today with some, um, cleansing, effects? I'm just not thinking straight.

I've loved the open communication so far. In fact, its been a wealth of info from multiple sources. Our GC's and nurse's calls or emails almost always overlap, racing to keep us informed. Couldn't ask for more.

At the same time, I'm already getting a little nervous about planning a visit to share a doctor's appointment. I know she would love to have us at one. I feel we should be at one. But I don't think I can manage being there for the big one - the full body scan. You know, the one that came out perfectly for I and J days before an infection pushed them out of my body.

I don't want to jinx anything. And I know M feels the same way. He gets nervous about being around ANY pregnant woman because he doesn't want any bad luck to brush off. Seriously. He said it pretty bluntly the other night:

This whole out of sight out of mind is a wonderful thing for my mental health. 

And I don't disagree. I trust our GC and already told her to just keep doing whatever it is she does. She has four beautiful kids of her own. All perfect pregnancies. What knowledge can I impart about pre-natal care? She got it right. Me, well, I didn't. Not being self-effacing here. Just stating facts.

Knowing that our little one is in the hands/womb of someone safe frees up all of this head space to think about other things.

Like baby names.
Like where a crib might go. 
Like what kinds of songs we might sing to him/her.
Or if my sister in law will let me borrow that kick ass baby carrier when baby S grows out of it.
Like Pottery Barn Kids.

I don't feel like a walking time bomb waiting for my body to fail. I feel like an expectant mother. With hella perks. 

It took a very, very long time to get my head to this place, but right now, at this moment, this is feeling like the right decision, and the best of many worlds.

**

Little guy without a cute nickname: 5 weeks, 6 days based on first u/s
Day 24 of running streak.

19 comments:

noswimmers said...

So happy for you! Worrying never stops, sorry to tell you. You think you'll feel better after you pass the date at which you lost your girls (at least I did), but I kept worrying up until delivery. Then you worry about SIDS or dropping him/her..or any other million things. I guess its just part of being a parent. Non-stop anxiety! But it's all worth it.

Excited to see we're expecting around the same time! :)

ceecee867 said...

Sweetie.... You're gonna be a MOMMY :)

Lavender Luz said...

I had never thought of that conundrum -- all or nothing or somewhere in between?

They guy/gal needs a nickname. I wish I had one to offer!

m said...

@noswimmers, me too! Congrats to you!!

@ceecee867 - you stinker. You almost made me teary in the middle of a work meeting! (checking personal email and blog, bad worker, me)

@Lav - I think my tendency is always to shift toward the somewhere in between, but how to define that? That's what I'm thinking through now. I think it was so incredibly thoughtful and kind for her to ask, so I want to be sure my response is equally so.

And I might have a few nicknames floating in my head - none I'm willing to say out loud yet. I am always open to suggestions!

twohotmamas said...

Whoohoo!!!

Carla said...

:)

Heather said...

I don't believe in jinxing, but the build up of anxiety before attending an appointment could be tough. I get the out of sight out of mind mentality. Yet seeing your baby would be so very amazing. Go with your gut, I say.

I agree with ceecee867. :)

Congrats on 24!

A. said...

Wonderful news!!! And I totally relate to what you wrote about being a walking time bomb waiting for your body to fail - I feel exactly the same way. I know it must be a big relief to have that removed from the equation. Sending good vibes that everything continues smoothly. Also, it is great that your GC rocks!

Monique said...

This is so frickin' exciting!

Notorious BIB said...

We're very excited for you! And as for baby carriers, I can hook you up with a Bjorn and an Ergo if you want... :)

Much love -- BIB

B's Mom said...

I am beyond excited for you.

I also have been following @noswimmers and noticed you both would be due around the same time. Awesome.

luna said...

whatever feels like the right decision for you is the right decision. I wonder what in between could look like. updates without visits?

maybe you will have less anxiety once you pass that point of pregnancy in which Shit Went Horribly Wrong? maybe there will come a point when you'll be ready to hear that heartbeat. or to see an ultrasound (that was really effing scary for me, I know).

just remember you can always change your mind. whatever your response, you can remind her it is subject to change.

also. how far away does she live? at some point I wonder if you won't want to start talking to the baby so s/he knows your voice? you don't even need to be there in person, if she'd be cool with playing a recording or something. just a thought... ok, I'll shut up now. just SO damn happy for you.

Hope's Mama said...

I've never been in a situation anything like this, but I want to say everything you've said makes perfect sense to me. Wishing all parties concerned nothing but the very best.
xo

dana said...

I know nothing about scans, etc...but if y'all felt you weren't in a place to be present, is it possible for the appts to be recorded and then sent to you? (again, I have no idea what they entail, lol).

So very excited for y'all. xo

Clare (smiling scar) said...

Yay, that is some very exciting news.. And I second Dana's suggestion. If you would like to experience the scans, but emotionally doing them in real time is too much... but recordings would let you experience them later, once you know all is okay. Or would a short video of the scans on the screen taken by your GC then emailed to you later that week work for you?

and I also triple ceecee867 comment. :) :) :)

Two Shorten the Road said...

Dude. You did NOT get prenatal care wrong. Bad sh!t happened but it was not your fault. Your GC has a body that has proven it can do the job, and that's awesome, but I don't think that means you don't have a right to feel like you have anything to add.

I was a complete basket case leading up to the full-body scan. You might be nervous whether you go or don't go - but IMO you should be gentle with yourself and do what you need to do.

I am very happy and excited for you. :)

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I'm just catching up but YES!!! Congratulations :-) I have a huge smile on my face this morning.

~Hollie said...

SO EXCITED for you! One day at a time. Do what you feel when you feel. If you want to go, GO. noswimmers speaks the truth. Just go with the flow! :o)

Sue said...

Ohhh, thinking of you and hoping for very good things!

You and GC will work things out, or change them if you need to. In the meantime, wishing for very good things!!

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