Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Four

I found pieces of this lingering in my drafts this morning, and it felt right to dust it off and share it today. I and J's day.

There are so many things that I have learned in between Dec 5, 2008 and today. A world of knowing (and not knowing, and understanding that there are some things that can't be known). One of those pieces of knowledge is how little it actually takes to be thoughtful and how significant little doses of thoughtfulness can be. The ROI on thoughtfulness is staggering.

When I decided to cycle along with our surrogate earlier this year, my co-worker and friend immediately skyped and said, "oh m...are you sure?" And in that question I knew she was thinking through all that could go right and all that could go wrong. All the stuff I would have to carry with me through a pregnancy...I knew she got me.

And I failed to ever mention how grateful I was for that inquiry. How thoughtful it was.

She wasn't interested in telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. She thought it through and had a true and earnest ask, I need to know that you have thought this through and are ok with it. L, thank you, girl. For real. Because you voiced my thoughts before I did, and that helped me stay on point (what is the goal here? is it me pregnant or is it healthy baby with the best possible chances to flourish?) and helped our decision to stop my cycle go just a little smoother. I'm not saying it didn't sting, but it did get to a point where I started to feel perhaps a little greedy? What's all of this talk about two or three? Pregnancies here there and everywhere....wouldn't one healthy pregnancy, one happy result be enough.

Yes. It is enough. 

So many things struck me about our time with our surrogate and her husband the week of our transfer. 1.) they have the worst luck with flying ever. Missed flights, delayed flights...you name it. They have encountered it to get from there to here and back again. 2.) They are so chill. Laid back. Relaxed. At ease. So at ease, they put me at ease. Even with missed flights and long delays 3.) I keep thinking back to little things they said, even offhandedly, that were simply sweet and thoughtful. And how often I was caught off guard by their kindness.

Maybe, like some of you, my expectations have lowered. Maybe I shouldn't be so shocked to realize that some people are just good people. But I am. But it's a good shock. Like when you slide your hands into your pocket and feel a little $20 bill balled up in there that you forgot about. Grateful. And a little giddy.

**

Yesterday was rough. Really rough. Rougher than today (so far). Anticipation of the births day has been mounting. We had already had a minor meltdown last Friday - Friday night, mild weather, something in the air just felt exactly like that Friday night....me mentioning the book that M happened to be reading the day our daughter's would die (what are the fucking odds?) tipped the scales. Silent night. As in, we barely talked. What was there to say?

in the air....
And then we learned of a loss of a friend. And then we learned of another loss. Closer to home. And then I got an email from our surrogate saying, "I'm just not really feeling that great...." Cue the sleepless nights and feelings of dread and overall hopelessness.

I tried to keep most of this from M. but bits and pieces slipped out over the course of the week. My anxiety dripped over everything I touched, catching innocent bystanders in its path. At one point yesterday, after I pointed out his fifth typo, my (foreign) intern looked at me and said, "you know, now you are being mean."

Sorry, dude. Sorry.

At that point, I decided to email our surrogate and just tell her how I was feeling, what was on my mind and what I needed to get me through the next 48 hours.

While she knows there were daughters and they are loved, we try not to talk too much about our previous losses and struggles with her and her husband now. We wanted this pregnancy to be new, and we didn't want her experience to be overshadowed. Why should it be? But I was morphing into a basketcase yesterday and a mean one at that. I had to do something. So I asked her for help. I asked for constant communications, just over the next day or two. Every move, every ache, please, please, tell me. I have to know. Today. I need to know.

And her response has been nothing but beautiful and supportive, thoughtful and affirming. And oh gosh I get caught between tears and laughter. She tells me I'm not a basketcase, and then tells me how BBB has the hiccups. She reassures me she went to the doc, got some meds and feels as good as new this morning. She thanks me (thanks me!) for putting our faith and trust in her to carry our child. And gosh, oh gosh. I am overcome with grateful.

To M, I say, we are so lucky.

To her, I say, thank you. Beyond words. Thank you.

To my daughters, I say, I love you. We miss you.




26 comments:

TracyOC said...

Oh, look at those beautiful girls on your Christmas tree. Candle is lit and I'm thinking of you and yours today.

Michele said...

Hugs and wishes for all the best.

Foggy Future said...

I too am struggling with infertility. I wish you the best!

twohotmamas said...

still life angie said...

Lighting my candle for J and I, remembering with you, grateful for your supportive surrogate sending you updates. And grateful for finding you in the darkness four years ago. (Four already? My eyes tear up at the thought of what that means...)

Ryan's Mommy said...

Oh, that photo ... your beautiful, perfect girls. I am so sorry they are not with you. Abiding with you.

Ryan's Mommy said...

Oh, that photo ... your beautiful, perfect girls. I am so sorry they are not with you. Abiding with you.

Sue said...

Hugs to you and M.

lbc said...

Damnit beavis! Making me cry. Love those girls~love u. L.

tireegal68 said...

Sending you and M and your precious beautiful girls the light of remembrance. I'm abiding with you, I and J, M and your sweet kind nurturing surrogate. I'm glad you have this one baby to hold in the light and you listened to yourself when you were aiming to cycle and were able to let it be. You are brave and strong and vulnerable and human. And your intern is not too afraid of you to tell you how he feels. But he has no clue that you are a grieving mama. Big love to all of you.

tireegal68 said...

PS I just really looked at I and J's pictures. They are breathtakingly beautiful. Love!

luna said...

oh and with those last lines you've brought me to tears. it's such a tangled web, these emotions, all tugging at you from every direction.

I'm so glad you voiced your concerns, your fears, and that you were met with candor and compassion. I'm so grateful that while you mourn the loss of your beautiful girls, that you anticipate the arrival of their little brother.

holding you all in my heart today -- you and M, Jovi and Isa, baby boy and the amazing woman who will bring him into the world.

Esperanza said...

Such a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing little pieces of your girls with us.

jhl said...

Gorgeous. I'm so glad that she responded to you with compassion ... that she understood. You are BOTH gifted.

dana said...

Half way through I started getting watery...then I saw your girls, and well, hello stream of tears. Sweet and salty, this tragically beautiful life we live.

I'm so proud of you for reaching out to your surrogate and letting her know what you needed from her in this moment(s). She truly is kind, thoughtful, and compassionate, isn't she? What a blessing for you, and M. For this world.

xo

Kathy said...

I so get what you mean about how it isn't/doesn't have to be hard for people to be thoughtful and how incredible it feels when people show us little (thy feel huge) acts of kindness and compassion.

These milestones are so bittersweet, especially with new life on the way. Honoring your baby girls' lives and memory with you this week and always. Sometimes four years feels like such a long time to me and other days I remember my baby girl's birth and death like it was yesterday... Love seeing those beautiful ornaments on your tree.

So glad that you have such a good relationship with your surrogate, that is such a gift, beyond the obvious of her carrying your baby. Sending lots of peace, love, light, hope, thoughts and prayers your way.

Two Shorten the Road said...

I'm so sorry I&J are not here with you today. Thank you so much for sharing their pictures. They are so tiny and sweet. <3

Carolyn Savage said...

This is a tough day. It probably always will be. I think processing through it and then writing through the rest of it is going to get you to a better place. A place of strength and grace and great hope. Thank you for sharing.

Lavender Luz said...

{{{{{{{{{m and M}}}}}}}}}}}}}

So much emotion in one post.

Abiding with you as you look back and forward.

Smiling said...

oh M.. I was going to write something about how impressed I am in you educating those around you about what you need and want. Your ability to not freak out that your intern reacted to your corrections.... but then i saw I and J's faces on your tree.... and the tears started to fall and my heart wishes so many things for you and M. I hope you can hold each other tight tonight, with the joy and hope of looking forward and the intensity of looking back. Hugs.

Dora said...

I don't know what to say, except I'm thinking of you and your family. Beautiful post.

theluckylife said...

Thinking of you and wishing you strength to get through this time. There really are some incredible people in the world and it sounds like your surro is one of them!

Nadine said...

So much to say that I can't say anything at all. Your gc really does sound amazing and understanding and I'm so happy that you both found the person you need.

Happy birthday to I and J who were in this world for too short of a time, but will be in your hearts forever.

Hugs.

loribeth said...

A little kindness goes such a long way.

Thinking of you & your girls. <3

~Hollie said...

beautiful. xxoo

~Hollie said...

beautiful. xxoo

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