Saturday, February 14, 2015

That Moment When You Start to Second Guess Everything

And start to lose sleep,
And feel like you want to throw up at every moment
And just want to cry and crawl back in bed (even though you can't sleep)

That's happening. Right about now.

First day on the new job is Tuesday (Monday's a holiday). The plan today was to rent a van, load some of our extra stuff from the apartment here, stop at the Ik*a on the way down to get anything else we might need, sign a lease, move me into an apartment a few blocks away from my new office.

Sometime earlier this week the reality of all of that hit me and M. Hard. Hit M so hard he was home sick in bed yesterday. Paralyzed with anxiety. We were banking on some flex from his work that would enable us all to spend as much time together as possible. Work some weekends? Work remotely a day or two? That's not happening. In fact, he's feeling some clear signals that if can't be present, maybe there's someone else that could be.

That means two to three nights a week I will be sleeping in a different place. Alone. Without my boys. I think I'll be ok. But I don't know for how long. D will be fine. I know M will not be. I don't know how sustainable this really is. And I don't know if I'm ready to furnish a new setting in the hopes of them coming to be with me when I don't know when that's going to be.

I'm wondering if I've made a horrible mistake....

Can I even DO this job? Will I like this job? Will I be in the right frame of mind to even try to tackle this job? I have to try, right?

I don't regret leaving the old job. Because it was time. But I have to confess, with all of this up in the air and this feeling in the pit of my stomach, inertia and boredom are starting to look pretty good. 

So we cancelled everything for today. I got a hotel room for the first few nights. And probably will for the next few weeks until I get my head around all of this. If I even can. Not the best frame of mind to start a new role, but there you have it.


tireegal68 said...

I think it's smart doing your first few weeks in a hotel. You can see how you like the job with no pressure about establishing a home base. Yes it will be hard for the boys back home but if you feel it's a good investment for you all then you can make the move to the new place as a team and maybe your husband can find sthg more to his liking in the new town. As someone who is always wanting up make a big move but not having a real reason - like a plum job - I'm envious and admiring of you. But also know that it's a huge move and I understand how daunting it sounds. You are going to be great in your new job and rise to the challenge! Good luck! Keep us posted!

Stacie said...

Hoping today went well and the logistics work themselves out in an agreeable way!

Stacie said...

Oops! Tuesday, not all today, Monday!

Heather said...

Hope your day went well! This will be a big adjustment, but hopefully after a couple of months you will know what to do next re: staying and bringing family to you or returning to them or maintaining. I think it's great that you are giving this a shot. Good luck!

nicoleciomek said...

I think it is totally smart to start off in the hotel. I think get a feel for the job, and see how it goes. Transitions like this can to totally terrifying and disruptive. Having been one who has made, oh 3 giant cross country moves in the past decade, I recommend a lot of deep breaths and taking it one week at a time.

See how you like the job, see how D & M are doing with it all and go from there.

I hope this week started off well and that the new job is great. I KNOW you can do it! From your blog, you are clearly a very intelligent, thoughtful and capable person.

Thinking of you & sending positive vibes!

Danielle said...

Ok. You don't know. It's OK not to know. And probably more realistic than assuming you do know and then getting smacked upside the head by some unexpected dose of reality. It may feel different week by week- glad you're leaving some space to check in with yourselves and each other about how it feels. That said, I hope the first day was great and that M and D are having a ball together.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Hope it went well this week. That things started to settle down by Friday.