Perfect Moment Monday - Yawn

Every morning, somewhere between 4:45 am and 5ish, a certain someone stirs.

After a few ounces of formula to satiate the Hunger that cannot wait (because clearly, we are starving this child), I'm left with the dilemma of "now what do we do?" Hard as I try (and to be honest, I don't try that hard) I can't get my eyelids to stay up this early. Starting the day promptly at 5 isn't an option. But it's almost time to get up, so is it worth the several minute negotiation of going back into the crib?

So, it's not time to get up, but it's not not time to get up. What shall we do? Where do you want to be, little child?

How about here? Right here. In this little space nestled between my legs, on top of the covers. Just for a bit.

I can usually coax at least another hour of sleep from D here. Sometimes, like yesterday, we both fall back asleep so soundly that we don't wake until grandma knocks on the door to come pick him up. Either way, the second waking, the waking from here, is simply the best part of my day. It's slow, gradual, leisurely, even. Punctuated by lots of stretches and dream faces, like this one:

No matter what the rest of my day holds, I know I can do it, because I get to see this tomorrow. And that, my friends, is my Perfect Moment for this month.

**

Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

On the last Monday of each month we engage in mindfulness about something that is right with our world. Everyone is welcome to join. Go visit Lori at http://lavenderluz.com/ to discover more perfect moments (and add your own?)

Cognitive Memory

Some amazing friends came to visit us on the Fourth of July. In tow were their two lovely and spirited daughters. Our plan was to have some lunch, saunter through the holiday street fair and to the minor league baseball park, watch the game, watch the fireworks, come home, put the kids to bed, pass out.

I'm pleased to report that all of this happened. Even with one of us on crutches due to a knee injury (note: not me), record crowds at the park and the fair, and 95+ degree heat. Yowsers, it was hot. But eventually the sun started to set, the kids started to calm and we started to make our way from the ballpark back to home in two distinct groupings: me, D, our friend B and her youngest girl. M, the oldest daughter and her dad staying to watch the end of the game and bringing up the rear.

As we were watching the fireworks, D in my arms, neck craned upwards, mouth open, eyes wide, all I could think of, over and over again as I recounted our nice day. Gosh, I wish D could remember this. 

Some days, I'm incredibly thankful for his seven-second memory span. Like when he shifts inexplicably from a furrowed brow and quivering lip to a wide-mouthed laugh for no reason. Like when the water I pour over him in the bath is too cold and he lets out a howl to let me know how he has been wronged (whoa, those little pee pees shrink quick, don't they?) Oh I am sorry, little man! Really sorry!

But on days when we have another first, hit another milestone, or just have a really, really great day with friends or family, I wish that was somehow lodged in his little memory. But it will be years until D. will be able to say, oh yes I remember....and actually mean it.

**

Earlier in the day on the way back from the game, we were crossing the river on a grated walking bridge and our friend B was telling a story about losing her favorite hairband (a cautionary tale, but one her daughter wanted repeated over and over again). What color was it? Who were you with? Why did you drop it? How old were you?

B couldn't remember the answer to that last one. And we started talking about how hard it was to place your early memories unless you have some major life events, like a new sibling or a major move, to serve as time stamp. B's husband lived overseas until he was 5, so it's easy for him to say whether something happened pre- or post- move. Before or after 5. My brother joined us when I was 4. And I usually place his arrival as one of my first memories. I'm not sure if it was. But I can say distinctly, "I was 4 when this happened and I remember it clearly. I know I was 4 because C was here."

I'm sure I have memories earlier than that. Snippets of moments, times at grandparent's houses and with cousins. But how old was I? Was it pre- or post-baby brother? Did this come before that? Or the other way, 'round. Was C here, but just not there with me during that thing I'm trying to remember. Ah, that's possible too.

Then there's the blurring of what is your memory and what is the story that you've heard so often that you've made it your memory.  M cites his first memory back to when he was 2, and uses the Super Bowl of that year as his marker. People never believe that he can remember something so early, but his retelling of the scenes seem accurate to those who were there, and he uses pieces of the game to prove it happened then.

But how many times might he have seen that game on replay? Who else in his family might have told the same story that he happened to be in? Might he be confusing this piece of a memory with another one from when he was slightly older?

How do we really know what we are remembering and what we're not? Or what's been altered? Or modified? If I tell D about something often enough, will he make that memory his own? Will he remember it as if he is actually the one remembering it?

**

After all the kids were put to bed, us grown ups talked about this heady stuff and B's husband took it to another level. I know if something were to happen to me now, our youngest wouldn't remember me. [The oldest] might. But barely.

I think we were all a little quiet as we let that sink in.

Here I was, a little melancholy over the loss of knowing some sweet moments, never once taking it to the higher plane. The loss of knowing me.

**

Memories are such a strange and amorphous thing. Can you think back to your first one, or at least one of them? How old were you? How do you know? What's your time stamp?

Observations and Truths

• D is 16 weeks old TODAY. 
• I need to get better at posting from my phone. If I can't do something from my phone, it ain't happening. At least not today. Or tomorrow. Or any day I don't have child care. Forget flashy blog posts with links, letters I need to write for work that take any sort of research or multiple layers of thought, anything that needs to be mailed....This is more resignation than observation. But there you go.
• Steel wool is amazing. I'm sure I'm late to the party on this. One day with D on my hip, I was tidying up the kitchen and got sick of looking at crusty bits here and grubby bits there, so I picked up a box the next time I went to the store. Wow! Those little rusty balls really buff things to a lovely shine. And can be used one-handed. My teapot, stove top and sink now adore me.
• If there is a crack of a space between the crib and the wall, that is where the binky will fall. And the next one. And the next one. There are binkies breeding among the dust bunnies behind the crib in the nursery.
• I think D might be teething. If he's not, we are living with a little being who drools nonstop and gnaws voraciously on hands...his, yours, mine. And makes bizarre animal-like sounds as he does. That's weird. I choose to believe he is teething. 
• babyproofing this apartment makes M and I wide-eyed and panicked. it feels like an impossible feat. Can't we just sequester him in the hallway?
• I can absolutely see the value of a standing desk, considering D squeaks every time I attempt to sit. "Squeaks" makes it sound cute.
• I now say/sing just about everything to the tune of Lullaby and Goodnight. It's a tune that works well to get D to chill, and I usually give him a little recap of the day as I sing him to sleep. But if M walks in the room I'll ask him a question or tell him something without breaking the song. Earlier tonight I was thinking about something and actually found myself thinking to myself in tune. Kind of like talking to yourself in another language, only disturbing.
• Getting offspring to sleep and to stay asleep - is this a uniquely human dilemma? Are there any veterinarians or animal behaviorists in the audience? Does any other animal struggle with tucking their little ones into bed? We hadn't, until the last few nights. I do believe we are heading into what AskMoxie calls the four-month sleep regression. You know, where there is just so much shit going on in your little brain (and mouth. See teething) that it's enough to keep a little dude (and mommy. and daddy) awake.  So, monkeys? elephants? mice? Are we the only animals that hover in that middle space just above the crib waiting to see if our shushes have worked before stepping backwards out of the room?

Back at It

I'm really glad I didn't hit send on the post that's been lingering here in the drafts for the last few weeks. I'm looking at it now and meh, it's just me sleep-deprived and bitching. There's no need to bitch. It's all good.

I'm back to work. Week one is down. Sure, it was a three-day work week, but still. Did it. Done.

Now it's week two. There are no holidays to save me. And even with my awesome MIL offering an extra day of coverage, I still need M to take some hours off work to watch D since my office scheduled a last minute meeting for me to chair this Friday.

Because child care grows on trees and is really, really easy to coordinate.

I can't complain too loudly. The transition back hasn't been as bad as it could be. I still have a job. People are happy to see me. And I'm starting with a clean slate - if you still need me to do something from three months ago, you're gonna need it bad enough to ask me again. I've erased most of my email and task lists.

A clean slate, and a new attitude. Nothing in the office is earth-shattering. Nothing is life or death. There is nothing contained in those walls that matter more than my time with D. and M. When I'm on the clock, I'm on. And focused and giving 100%. I promise. When I'm off, leave a message. There are other things on my mind.

Like childcare for D. We're patching it together now with help from family and a little bit of flex in our work schedules. But I'm wondering how long that can last. My office has already (completely predictably) shown its disregard for my calendar. How often can I expect that to happen before I need to bring a paid component into the mix?

It really does take a village, doesn't it? Especially since the United States has its head up its ass when it comes to maternity/paternity leave, or creating and sustaining any kind of policies to allow families to have babies AND participate in the workforce/economy in meaningful ways.

Focus on the family my ass.

Ok see, I'm getting cranky again. I should sign off. And really, my ire towards the politics and working conditions in this alleged first world nation deserves its own post, with some supplemental material. Links, research, annat.  I've been reading some great books I need to tell you about. Alas, no time for that this morning. My conference call is ending and now I need to multitask a few different things.

Like finding some coffee.

How are you? If you're stateside, did you survive the long weekend of explosives? We had four days of it. You? Honestly, does any country enjoy pyrotechnics more than the U.S.? I have to think we'd feel very differently if rockets' red glares were a common part of our evening skies, like they are in other parts of the world right now.

Just sayin'.

Do you miss Google Reader? Did you make the transition gradually or was it a last minute, oh shit, what's that other app called again, kind of jump? Where are you reading me now? You are still reading, right? :-)

Breaking the Six Week Seal (spoiler: he didn't break)

Now that D is well into month #3 of existence (11 weeks old tomorrow!) I'm fairly certain I won't break him. But there were some milestones along the way that freaked me. Like that six week one. Did it scare anyone else?

Hitting the "six weeks old!" mark was exciting (the "don't go indoors with crowds" ban - Lifted! Grocery stores, here we come! Free! We are free from confinement! We can go anywhere!) but also a bit intimidating.

I have a stack of parenting/baby books. One or two I appreciate, some I glance at, others I ignore, but occasionally peek at to give M and I some "listen to this shit..." conversational material while we make dinner. (I'm looking at you, you sleep training tomes.) All of them seem to have a lot of sentences that start out like:

• By six weeks, your baby should (love his bath! Almost sleep though the night! Start to recognize you and this and this and that....)
• Don't worry about this until your baby is six weeks old...
• This is all fine until about the six week mark....

If the books were to be believed, there are very few ways to fuck up parenting within the first six weeks, but look out, once those cognitive lights start switching on, you better bring your A game. Are you stimulating enough? Are you paying attention to sleep patterns and starting to mold them? Are you giving in a little too easily to cries and whimpers? Ack. It was enough to get a sleep-deprived mom a little panicked.

Luckily, I have some well-read friends, who must have been sensing my (I'm looking for a better, less misogynist word than hysteria here. If you can think of it, insert it.) And links to more soothing literature started to find their way on to my phone and iPad.

I found a lot of comfort in these essays and articles. So I thought I would share the calm:

This one makes me feel better about folding the laundry and doing the dishes with D, particularly this line:

what children need to grow and develop adequately is typically provided for during everyday experiences in the context of a relationship with sensitive caregivers in the child's natural environment.

This one gives me free license to drool everywhere. Nice.

This makes me feel a little better about the little bit of breast milk I've been able to give D, even if I do decide to dump the pump (more on this later). Like so many of you have already noted, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing proposition.

And this just makes me feel better. All the time.

Thanks ladies. We made it.

A thousand and one...

....reasons why the drafts in my blogger account are still draft, why I keep meaning to pull open the computer and don't. Why I'm way behind on writing, reading, bathing....

But excuses about not blogging on your blog are boring. And unnecessary. And it really just boils down to this.

This is what I'm doing. This is how I'm feeling. This is all that's right in the world. We are at granny's house this weekend. Too hot for the beach, but not too hot to sit in the breezy shade outside. We may attempt a walk on the boardwalk once the sun sets a bit and shadows lengthen enough to offer some protection.

30 more days of leave. And I don't want to waste a drop of it. Oh June, please be the slowest month ever.

The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: A Book Review

It's back!

When I first started blogging, one of the things I looked forward to the most was the next round of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade. Hosted by Mel at Stirrup Queens, the book brigade would read books relevant to the adoption/loss/infertility community, pose questions to each other related to the text and our own experiences....basically, function as a virtual book club, minus the cookies and wine and dysfunction that sometimes come with real life book clubs, at least mine.

And here it is again. The 23rd tour of the Book Brigade. Welcome.

It may have even been through one of those discussions that I got to know Lori Holden, the author of
The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole the book featured here today.  Lori blogs at Lavender Luz, and is a dedicated advocate for open adoption and adoptee rights. She's also, quite simply, a cool ass lady that I've had the pleasure of getting to know and the honor to meet. And she has done the very hard work of turning a concept into a hard-covered reality.

The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption is an easy read. It doesn't mean its easy to read, especially if you are struggling right now with the very questions that Lori puts front and center. How does an open adoption work? How might an open adoption work for me? Where is my place here? Where do I fit? How do I know if I'm doing it right?

Because there aren't any magic answers, no secrets that Lori reveals.

But she does present a comprehensive guide. Peppered by her own experiences and those of the birth mother of her daughter, with lists of pros and cons (a lady after my own heart), with points to consider and pitfalls to avoid. I've already heard several friends on the internet exclaim, "wow. I wish this was around when I started my own journey...."

While I'm not on a journey toward open adoption, not at the moment anyway, this book hits home for me in a number of ways. As:

• An adult adoptee from a closed adoption, reunited with one of my birth parents,
• A grieving mother to twin girls I carried and who we're born premature, and
• A brand new Mother through an open gestational surrogacy using anonymous donor eggs

I tried to read Lori's book with all of those hats on. Some were easier to wear than others. Here are the questions I'll try to tackle:

Lori refers to the relationship between adoptive parents and birthparents as similar to an in-law relationship. Does thinking about the relationship as an in-law relationship influence how you approach open adoption?

Yes! In fact, it makes something abstract and perhaps a little daunting feel far more concrete for me. I had never made the connection between a relationship with in-laws and ones through adoption before.

This was just one of the many "ah ha!" moments that I had reading Open Hearted. Every one of Crystal's sections gave me a perspective I never realized before. And I also had never heard of the idea of an "as if" family (in closed adoption, attempting to match a child as closely as possible to his/her adopted family so that one could easily assume he/she had a biological connection) even though that clearly happened with me.

Lori often stresses the importance of exploring difficult emotions. Describe a time when you have been forced to explore difficult emotions related to adoption and the outcome of this exploration.

As I mention in a previous post,

Issues around identity, origin, connectedness – I think about this shit nonstop, as I am sure many, many people who have built families through nontraditional means do. I believe there is a balance between recognizing and honoring origins and finding a space of love and acceptance in a family that is not genetically yours. These things can co-exist. I believe this. I HAVE to believe this.

Now that little D is here, M and I constantly think about how to best share his origins with him (see the following question). Of course, my own adoption experiences shade my thinking. Difficult emotions for me relate to things I have discovered on my own, assumptions I made (sometimes wrongly), how I reacted towards my parents (both adopted AND first) based on those discoveries and assumptions, and coming to terms with all of that now that I am a parent myself. Gah! I was a dick. But I wasn't the only one.

I honestly think my dad never (ever) explored his own complicated emotions around adoption. If he had, he never would have said things like, "my father had 7 kids; I never had any...." in front of me and my (also adopted) brother.  I don't really know where to go with that thought other than, my gosh, it is so vital to reach into the deepest parts of your mind, pull out those thoughts and work them through before a child enters the picture. I really like how Lori emphases the option of counseling throughout the process, especially for the adopting parents to help them work through grief that may be lingering after years of infertility and possibly loss. I feel this was a step that got skipped back in the day.

Since the question asks about a specific time, I'll point to the drive home after meeting my birth father for the first time. Wow. What a range of emotions. My first thoughts weren't about him, they were on these two new amazing women in my life - my birth aunt and birth grandmother. Two women who now are among D's biggest fans. I had to stay focused on the positive because I was so utterly disappointed in the person who was the biological connector. Because he was so like my dad dad (see "as if" adoptions), so unlike the origin myth I had created with the little info I had. So, so, meh.

Worse than meh, this was a stranger acting pretty territorial about me. Me! Dear readers, I ask you, how do you think that went down?

Even before the meeting, I knew there was truth in my birth mother (now a counselor)'s words. Words she used to explain to the agency why she chose NOT to reunite with me: "these meetings are never what either person wants them to be." But I still needed to try. After the twins died, I needed to find this biological connection. I needed to grow one piece of my family to ease the pain of the other piece I had lost.

So, what was the outcome of my exploration? I had to remember that I asked for the reunion. I sought him out. Not the other way around. And he is not to blame for not being the person my imagination wanted him to be. He had to realize I was not going to jump into his arms and be the daughter he always wanted. Expectations needed to be managed for both of us. These are realizations that might have been a little easier to come to if there hadn't been a 30+ year gap between having me and getting to know me.

In the beginning of the book, Holden talks about who this books is for. She states that it includes people pursuing donor eggs, embryos, and sperm. If you know there is no way for you or your child to ever contact the donor in the future, how would you apply the concepts of open adoption to a closed situation such as this? 

This is a question I actually posed to Lori after her Huffington Post piece about donor sperm because I was wondering the same thing.

In our situation, we have an open and amazing relationship with our gestational surrogate. Connecting D with the woman who held him in her womb for us will be easy. Biological questions around the woman who anonymously gave her eggs to us to use won't be nearly as clear cut. I mean, we have the basics on paper, but sometimes, like the little girl says in the commercial, you want MORE; you want more, you just want it.

And we don't have more. 

So, I'll share with you what Lori said to me: "It is more about parenting with an open heart than about having actual info and contact." She repeats this concept  - honoring both the biography and the biology of a child - in Open Hearted a lot. It's important. It's something I've been thinking about since the beginning of our journey:

I think about beginning a process. Recently, my brother asked if I was at least going to go in search of my medical records in case we would need then for the seedlings, forgetting that their origins are also a bit unknown. To be honest, I did too for a moment.

What can I do to ease this longing? Will the seedlings have these same feelings? If they do, I will need to remember that this particular kind of curiosity and longing does not go hand in hand with rejecting the life, or family, or love that you have. It really does coexist.

And I have to remember that in the end, Gonzo doesn't run into the spaceship, into the open arms of people who share his nose, his personality, his love of cannons, people just like him. He opts to stay right where he is.

My life is here. This is my home.

**

Please return to the main post to read more opinions on Lori Holden's The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption. There are tons of great bloggers answering some very thoughtful questions. I'm looking forward to carving some time out today to see what everyone else has to say, and adding a bit more to my own answers here.