Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Long and the Short of It

Is: when I sit down and try to write a new post, to fill you in on what's happening/not happening here, I am also forced to figure out how I'm feeling, how I'm doing. And that's when I start feeling sorry for myself.

Unimaginably, embarrassingly, pathetically sorry for myself. It is beyond pathetic.

And I hate it. Cue in the self-loathing.

I hate writing about that. I hate feeling it. I hate anyone knowing or even sensing that it's happening.

Cuz I ain't looking for pity. From others. Most of all from myself.

Confession: I have a hard time accepting random acts of kindness. Because sometimes I cannot tell the difference between that, and pity. I am still angry about the free ice cream from the cashier at the Ponderosa who knowingly looked at my balding head, my 12-year old face and conspiratorily whispered, "go ahead. You can have it. Don't worry about it..." Angry at her for thinking her fucking soft serve would make things better. Angry at myself for taking it.

See? See how ugly this is? You don't want to read this. I don't want to write it.

I don't even want to mention the shock and joy that M and I felt this morning when someone said, "measuring....7.2"

Because before it even registered, it was followed with a, "oh wait. hang on. I think that was just the angle. No, no, more like 4.8."

But it did. It registered enough. The hope sparked long enough for it for it to really hurt when it was quashed.

Suckers. That's what we are.

And then it all starts again. M and I laughing it off. Playing it cool. In truth, this isn't a bad read. It isn't anything other than what we expected it to be. In fact, it might even be better than what I expected for such a brief time on estrogen compared to the month-long session I had to get to 4.9 for the mock cycle.

Because, you see, our expectations are rock bottom these days. But still.

And then I remember the days when I trudged back to the train station crying to M. about a 6.2 or a 7 mm lining. Crying because we would have to wait a few more days, take another u/s...

Fuck me. Those were the golden days.

And then I remember how god damned hopeful we were back then. How we felt we had a chance. A real chance. And then I acknowledge that we will never. Ever. Feel that way again.

Cue the self-pitying, follow up with self-loathing, And running after it comes the "stop blubbering you stupid fucking baby. are you the only person in the world with problems??" inner voice.

Sigh.

So this is why I haven't been writing. I've been trying to handle all of this. Keep it under wraps. Work it out with yoga, breathing, acupuncture, other things. Anything other than thinking about how good we once had it. If only for a few moments. For the most part, honest to goodness, it has been working. I felt calm getting in the car this morning. I felt ok this week. I have been repeating to my body over and over again, "it's ok. It's cool. I'm not mad at you. We're ok. I love you. Don't worry." Every moment I think about it I whisper to myself, "My heart is open for what comes next. My heart is open...." hoping that I will convince myself.

Something has to be said for persistence, right?

17 comments:

Monique said...

Indeed.

I hate pity too - I'd rather have people laugh in my face than pity me. Don't worry, no pity here, just wading through the shit with you. xo

Barbara said...

Right..

On the other hand it IS ok to feel pathetically hopelessly miserably sorry for your self sometimes.

Hugs.
xxx

Lindsay said...

No pity here either. It all just sucks.
They say bad things happen to good people. In my experience bad things happen to everyone and the 'good people'seem to just deserve it less.
I hope you find your hope again.

Infertile In the City said...

I was recently told in a scan that my linig was 8mm (ha ha ha - it never gets to 8 - it never gets beyond 4) so I had that sucker punch - it is an 8 - from one tech - to a it is 1.5 from another. f*ckers. so not cool thing to do to you.
yes - something is to be said about persistance - tht is what I keep telling myself.

Just me said...

I'm a little like that too. I don't like favors (others doing for me- for some reason I never mind doing it for them) or pity. I get embarrassed. I get defensive.

I didn't think your message was ugly at all. It's real. It's how you feel. It's understandable. But I didn't feel any ugliness from it.

Sending you empathetic and understanding (but not pitiful) hugs. :)

forwardtumble said...

Naw. No pity here either, toughen the f¨¨k up! KIDDING! Ok bad joke, but yeah, me = another shit wader here too. Thanks for that, Monique, it made me smile and i am a feeling true sorry for myself *** tonight so it's the right thing to do IMHO to laugh...

Sending both of you lots of love

xxInes

Bluebird said...

Well, I'm glad to "see" you again at least!

I get what you're saying. When we got back from vacation I had to *force* myself to start writing again (and, even then, it was about "fluffier" things) because I knew that if I didn't write right then, then I very easily might just never write again.

But, I didn't want to write, because I didn't want to have to face it. Deal with it. Whatever. I wanted to just go through the motions and hang on to the fantasy of vacation. Sometimes it's easiest to deal when we just keep things under wraps. Do what we can and don't look too far in to it. I get it. And if that's what's working for you, honey - go for it! We'll all still be here should you decide that *this* works for you more. Take care of yourself, that's all - you and your DH. Ya'll have been through enough. . .

*Sigh*

But, I'm glad to see you again :)

Blondie said...

I'm new to your blog, so I'm not sure what all you're dealing with, but I am thinking of you! Infertility is such a hard road, and I'm afraid I'm really only in the beginning stages. I'm scared for what is ahead! Anyway, good luck to you!

Lavender Luz said...

Oh, M. This resonates with me so much. I am having a hard time now with the kindness I am receiving. I think I have layers of unworthiness I was unaware of.

But. You are doing a Good Thing by bringing your thoughts, even ones you deem "pathetic," into the sunshine for airing out. Often, just an awareness of our inner selves can clear the clouds.

I don't know about persistence, but I do think there's something to be said for an open heart.

I am sending warm thoughts to yours.

KuKd Chick said...

"See how ugly this is? You don't want to read this. I don't want to write it."

That's a sure way to keep us reading, dude. You had me at that line, that's for sure. ;-)

((hugs)) and hang in there. You deserve self-pity, and pity from others.

Sue said...

I'm always happy to see an update from you, whether it's good news or bad. Sending lots of hugs your way...

niobe said...

I pretty much hate pity, but also hope and basically the whole world right at this moment. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

M~

I'm like a crack whore. I check your blog every day to see if I can get a hit of your writin'. And today - I was rewarded. Go me with my persistance. :D Or maybe it's really more like an addiction.

Maybe you need a swim. And cocktails? Gin Slush? Have those kayaks been out much this summer???

I can't help it. I'm a fixer. SO much easier than dealing with my own stuff. =D

~m~

April said...

I'm amazed by your strength. This sucks and it's okay to feel bad about it. It's not fair. And you're an incredible role model. There is a place and a time where things are okay, wonderful even, and I hope you find that again soon.

~Hollie said...

There is SO MUCH to be said about persistence! You have every right to be angry or whatever you are feeling. Feel it girl! Let it all out. This hand just sucks, and like Lindsay, I hope you "find your hope again."

Kami said...

Attention? I can has it? Sadly, I will take it however I can get it although I don't usually think of it as pity, but rather as kindness. I think of it as one human being trying to connect with another and I think it touches both parties in a positive way. At least I thought so, maybe for some that is not the case.

So I can't say I know how that feels - to hate the kindness/pity. I can say that the feelings you are having seem perfectly normal to me.

I hope that helps. A little.

Kristin (kekis) said...

It all makes perfect sense to me.

I prefer to worry about everyone else & their issues to pretend that I have none. Nope, none at all.

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