Friday, December 4, 2009

You Probably Shouldn't See This

Sorry. I'm going nuts. And in an attempt to clear my head I am dumping all flotsam and inner voices here:

Dude, stop looking at FB. Just stop it. You don't need that crack.

But look! Everybody's so happy! So joyful! So thankful! And I'm so....not.

So? Who the fuck cares? Are you really going to type another debbie downer status update? Ohhh I'm so saaaaad. Oh, woe is meeeeeee. Ugh. Are you gonna be that person?

What's the deal with you and this whole "that person" I can be "that person" if I fucking want to be. Maybe you didn't know; its the anniversary of my daughters' deaths....

OMFG no fucking shit. Why don't you write it across the sky? You're a broken record. Do you think anyone in the English speaking world is UN-aware of that?

Uh, yeah, probably, like, my whole family, my workplace and most of my friends IRL. Not everybody reads blogs, you know.

The cool people do.

Yes. The cool people do.

What am I going to do with you?

Nothing. Leave me alone. Let me sulk. In fact, why don't you pour me a drink.

Why don't you get off your ass and do something to earn it. Remember this thing - it's called EX-ER-CISE....maybe you should try it. You took the rest of the day off work so, um, do something.

Ok, A.) cold outside. Just checked. Yes, definitely pink-cheek worthy. B.) There are other people at the gym. Maybe, I'll think about some pilates poses in the spare room.

Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. Step one. Get dressed. Please. And brush your teeth while you're at it? Maybe that will make you feel more human.

Ok....maybe I should just go Xmas shopping.

Oh? You and what car?

Hmm. Ok. Scratch that. So, you're saying moving will feel better?

Can you feel worse?

Never say that. You can always feel worse. And actually, I don't feel all that terribly bad right now. In fact, I'm cracking myself up.

Great. That's great. We aim to please.

Oh, if only.


Anonymous said...

*huge hugs* I know the girls anniversary is coming up and I just want to say I am thinking of you. *hugs*

I just wish I didn't look at facebook sometimes either.

Two Shorten the Road said...

I've been thinking of you a lot today and actually stalked your FB page to see if you'd posted any updates lately. You and M and Isa and Jovi are all in my thoughts.

Michele said...

Your inner dialog sounds a lot like mine at times.

Sending hugs...

Kami said...

I'm thinking of you.

You deserve a drink just because.

LittleWanderer said...

*sending hugs*
I totally get the FB thing and hey lets all have a drink

Molly said...

Man oh man I wish there was something I could say that would ease just a bit of your pain. Your inner dialogue is funny though so that's got to count for something. I know what you mean about feeling like everyone on FB and IRL has forgotten, is happy, and doesn't read blogs. Sadly in many cases that's true. Hang on to the few who get it and let you be you. You'll get through this time and feel better. Just hang on.

N said...

*hugs lots and lots*

And my own recommendation, not that it's worth the paper it's not written on - you can stay away from FB to protect yourself from other people, but don't worry about protecting other people from what you have to say, or the idea of it being too sad, or too much, or too long. It is what you need it to be. ♥

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Hey! Give me back my voice!

And hey! M thinks I'm cool!

And I also want to tell you that I think you are amazing, especially this week.

And also, you know how people joke about those happy-slappy Christmas letters? Well, that's FB all. the. time. The news is censored and spun.


Oh, and a glass of Merlot, too.

Nadine said...

fbook is worst thing on EARTH. WORST. THING.EVAH.
(and the word verification is facking).

Mo said...

Hey m. You sound completely sane to me. Thinking of you, of M., of the girls.


Amber said...

Totally agree- Facebook sucks. And guess what else sucks? Getting a cheesy Christmas card today featuring a "former" friend who is big pregnant by a complete loser. Awesome...

tireegal68 said...

Your inner dialogue is the truth. Those other 'shiny happy people' are just big fakers! Is thst even a word? !
I am thinking of you and your sweet girls and will sit with you and your remembering this weekend. And F the exercise! Those 'shoulds' are pesky little suckers

Skerry said...

I will continue to keep you and M in my thoughts and prayers as you face each day one at a time and remember Isa & Jovi every day.

Mash said...

My thoughts are with you :-(. If it makes you feel any better I'm a real Miserable Meltdown Mavis today. And brushing my teeth or hair or behaving in any way that is even mildly socially acceptable is not on the cards. Sometimes it's only the friends in the computer that understand...

Monica said...

Thinking of you on your babies' anniversary. You have SO earned the right to be "that person." Thank you for this little glimpse into your fascinating mental dialogue.

Catherine W said...

Facebook is icky. And I'll certainly pour you that drink.

Thinking of you and your family today. Remembering Isa & Jovi.

Barbara said...

Hey, you don't have to apologise for going nuts... not here!

Not that you are nuts of course.

No, just coping the best you can.

Thinking of you and your girls.


annacyclopedia said...

Thinking of you and remembering Isa and Jovi. It's super cold here and there is snow and hoar frost and somehow for me it all just magnifies all the love you and M have expressed for your girls, and all the loss and grief and anger. So know that everytime I look out my window today I am thinking of you and all the bitterness and sweetness and the sheer immensity of your last year.

Julia said...

I just wanted to tell you that I've been thinking of you, Isa and Jovi this whole week. Remembering with you.

Hope today was ok on you. Or that you had liquid help to get through it. Or both.

Delenn said...

Thinking of you. I loved hearing your inner monologe.

Write what you need to write. We are here for you.

clare said...

I'd totally give you a ride... or drag you on a run. I could use both myself.

thinking of ya

jill said...


Thinking of you and remembering Isa and Jovi with you.

nancy said...

I'm remembering your girls with you. ~hugs~

Lani said...

sending you so much love- i'm sure you needed it this weekend.
i've been thinking of you and the girls a lot.

most of the time fb is more damaging then not, but damn it its so hard to quit. and seriously, i say write what you feel and really, who gives a shit? we all need a little extra love sometimes and this is one of those times for you.

glad you put up the tree- i like angie's thoughts about it too. though we are boycotting christmas this year.

sending some virtual hugs your way.

MyLifeMyWorld said...

I saw your blog over at Lost and Found and just wanted to send an little internet hug. We dont' know each other, but I still feel for you as your approach this time of year. I'm sorry you have had to go through this at all, it just sucks. Your in my thoughts.

niobe said...

Yeah. That's it. Exactly.

Unknown said...

Wow. Yeah. I couldn't have written this post. I'm a big fan of the "hide" button on FB. You make mention of your cute little pregnant belly once, you get a free pass....twice and you are "hidden" until to give birth and then we may talk again...and for the record..bah humbug.

FET Accompli said...

That inner dialogue. It can spin us round and round and round. I have had lots of inner dialogues. They make me dizzy and make me want to lie down on the floor and scream.

I am thinking of you and send hugs. Know that so many of us want to give you big hugs and send you our love.

April said...

I took a little blogging break but have been thinking of you. Just caught up on your posts. You're strong and amazing. Wishing you peace, some good yoga, and an even better strong drink.

But what I really think? Is that you're GOOD and deserve GOOD and the world is unfair and shitty sometimes. For no good reason.

And that said, you do amazing things with it all.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking of you, M, Isobel and Jovita. I know this must be an awful, awful time, and I wish there was something I could do to take away some of the pain. Sending you virtual hugs and cookies, and hoping for you and M to find peace and strength in each other.

Molly said...

Hey, I'm just checking in to see how you're doing. I've been thinking of you and M and your girls.