Thursday, December 31, 2009

One Thing Worth Keeping

I will always think of 2009 as a Lost Year. Most probably the worst year of my life. The year in which on most days it took everything I could muster simply to function at a semi-socially acceptable level. The year bad went to worse and worse was redefined, as was our definition of "ok."

The year began with an exploration of What Happened, only to find our anger and fury dismissed.

Months and months. Consult after consult. Procedures, biopsies, HSGs galore, only to learn my uterus will never function as it once had.

Mock cycle
. Canceled cycle. Failed cycle.

Birth parent found - and rather than reveling in the discovery, I mourn the loss of my made up beginnings. My myths. I like them better. Can I have them back please?

Oh yes, and a broken leg.

What I am saying is 2009, you can go fuck yourself up your own ass and disappear. Fade away. Go away now and never come back. 2009, I am so done with you.

From all of this, there is one thing worth keeping. And that is the love and friendship, compassion and once again, simply unconditional love I have found among those that have also lost someone, and those that are still struggling to even conceive. It is not a misery loves company kind of thing, because around these women (and men) I am not miserable. I am revived.

Absent the pretense of normalcy, I see just a shade of who I used to be emerge.

So you see, I am still here. And that is a relief.

Last month I spent a weekend with Angie, Lani, Sarah, Tracy, Tash, Niobe, Julia, Molly and Laura. We hugged and cried and remembered and comforted and laughed and cooked and ate. My god did we eat. We spent a wintry weekend at the beach just like normal people would. As Angie, Lani and I sauntered down the boardwalk we decided on a self-portrait. Seeing us struggle with our aim, an older gentleman took the camera and took our photo for us.

"Look at your smiles," he said, "You must be such close friends." And we looked at each other and shared a knowing look and simply said yes. Yes, we are.

Because, my friends, it feels like I have known you forever. Longer than my sadness, longer than my grief.

And I want more than anything to know you once it has faded.

And to you, my friends in real life, thank you. Simply thank you for staying with us. Not once do I underestimate the challenge of that.


Yesterday, completely out of nowhere, M. said, "You know, ever since we went to that lady, things feel a little bit better. At least, they don't feel so bad."

Yes. I agree.

And so, welcome 2010. We've been waiting for you. Opportunity and hope, 2010, you seem to be ushering in all of this. It feels like some doors are opening, some possibilities are waiting to be explored.

Please let me be brave enough to walk through.

Welcome 2010. We've been waiting for you.

And welcome to you, Micah Amir. Brother to Ezra. Son to David and Sarah. Welcome.


Anonymous said...

like you I welcome 2010 with open arms!!

N said...

I hope nothing more than for 2010 to be a year kind to you, and to others.

Nadine said...

Many a year can kiss my arse (perhaps the first decade of this century?). I welcome 2010 too, and I hope that 2010 is kind and welcoming like a big hug.

Sue said...

I am so hoping that 2010 is a better year for you and M. Big hugs to both of you.

Barbara said...

I hope this next year is good to you. Or else.


jill said...

Happy new year! I hope 2010 turns out to be wonderful for you. I'll be here reading and offering support :)

Brenna said...

Please let 2010 bring you and M wonderful things! You certainly deserve it as you kick that crappy 2009 to the curb...

Molly said...

I'm so with you on 2009. It sucked and so I just have to hope that 2010 is better. But I also agree with you about the friendship I have found in this community. Thank you for being such a great friend despite all your own difficulties.

Hugs to you and hope for a better 2010!

dana said...

Hoping and wishing that 2010 is kind and generous to the both of you.

And thank you. Thank you for sharing your grief and struggles...and also your progress, no matter the amount. The two of you are truly amazing people and I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for you.


tge said...

You are a beautiful writer. I know your inkling good feelings about 2010 have got to be spot on :)

still life angie said...

Yes, 2009, don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Beautiful is hard to reflect on this year with any sort of compassion and beauty, and yet you somehow manage it. Amazingly. It is these relationships, I hope, that I remember first, before the shitty hands the universe has dealt. Much love, and toasting your beauty, grace and hilarity for a brave new 2010.

onwardandsideways said...

Wishing you a much, much better 2010. Thank you for all of your support this year.

Two Shorten the Road said...

I hope things only get better in 2010. <3

Lindsay said...

I truly hope that 2010 is a great one for you and M.

Dani819 said...

It's been an honor and a comfort to walk part of this road with you. May 2010 kick 2009's ass- and may we know each other in great joy for many years to come.

Catherine W said...

Welcoming 2010 with you (now I'm finally entitled to here in the UK!) and hoping that holds many, many good things for you.

I just love the gentleman's comment on taking your photograph.

Julia said...

That was one great weekend indeed. (And I have a picture of the three of you that also radiates that closeness.)
That fellowship is indeed something beautiful. Unexpectedly beautiful thing in the mess that is the after.
May 2010 be a good year for you.

Skerry said...

Still thinking of you....I hope 2010 will be the year that dreams come true for you:)

tireegal68 said...

My year sucked and I got fatter and older, but I found this amazing community that you portray so well and like you I'm thankful for that. Your story of meeting other special blog friends is life affirming, even in the midst of all the sorrows. I bet that picture is beautiful. Happy days ahead we pray:)

Bluebird said...

I adore you.

That just about sums it up.

Lani said...

happy new year to you my friend. i love that you wrote about our photo moment. its true. i wouldn't be here without you and all the other mama's out there in blogland.

2010 is our year - it has to be!

Anonymous said...

I found that, when my life changed forever, the year my dad died, the year the carpet was taken from under my feet, was also the year that the rose tinted glasses came off. And even though there was so much loss, through that raw pain, I was able to see the world in a different way. There was something beautiful in that. A lot of my "inner nonsense" went with the rose tinted glasses. It's like a clean new beginning. And I hope it will be for you too.