Friday, April 23, 2010

In Between

It is my birthday weekend. I'm on the train en route to a presentation I will do today. I'm feeling a blend of somber and serene. Do you ever get like that?

I was just sitting here contemplating what I might contribute to Project IF, thinking through those hard questions that always lie right under the surface, and this very pregnant woman ambles down the aisle. Ok no biggie. I'd like to think I don't get wiggy at the sight of bellies. But then the inevitable nosy old lady starts it up, "oh! when are you due? is this your first? boy or girl?" As if its her business and right to know.

"I'm expecting twins. End of August...."

And that's about all I heard before I rammed my earphones in and pushed play. The twin thing. It guts me. This was not what I was planning on writing about today.


Did you (do you) ever play a game with yourself where some feat of your amazing skill will determine your fate in a completely unrelated aspect of your life? As in, if I hit this tennis ball 40 times in a row without missing I am the best person in the world....ok starting, that one didn't count, I mean now.....Did I say 40? I meant 20,!

Do you do that?

That's kind of how I feel as I wait for my 36th birthday. The start of 2009 was supposed to be my start over. From this moment on things will be better. That didn't work out so well. Then it was New Years Eve 2010. Then it was the year marker of Jovi and Isa's presumed birth. Sigh. Ok, why don't we try my birthday - ok....NOW!

Don't get me wrong. Things have gotten better. (insert snark: because they could not have gotten worse.) No, stop. Don't be like that. Things can always, always be worse. You know this. More than that, I think I have reached that point where I just cannot sustain the anger and the grief 24/7 and so there is nothing left to do but put the cup down, wake up and try to live without it for a little bit. Lani says this so much better in a recent post. And as she says, "I'm fine. As fine as I can be."

And really, its more than fine for us. We have had forward motion on the gestational carrier front. Twice actually. After my November BFN (damn, we were so hopeful) and just before the beginning of the year, a friend (a friend of a friend really) called us up and said, this thing you want to do, this life you want to lead, I'd like to help you with that. I think you would make amazing parents and I want to make that happen for you.


My faith in humankind was renewed. We had a chance. A hope. A reason. And for a while, we were all pretty high on possibility.

Long story short. It didn't work out. Through no fault of anyone involved. It just didn't work out. And I was gutted.

And then, out of the blogosphere, another (another?!?) amazing woman said, dude, I've got a uterus I'm not using and I would love to help you. I may not even be paraphrasing.

Starstruck in love and admiration that's how I felt (feel) about this person. Completely humbled that someone (two people?!?!?) would even contemplate such an act, such a well, inconvenience to give us a chance to be parents to a real, live living baby.

Another not so long story short, there are a few more assurances our RE wants before we can move forward. I cringed at the thought of approaching this super lady and saying, oh hey, in your spare time between raising your own family and working and life can you go do this, this and this and did I mention one of those things is slightly invasive? Please?

And she said, sure. I'm on it. So she is in the midst of scheduling appointments.

But oh, the waiting.

This Waiting. This stasis. This Limbo. This constant state of "we're moving forward! We're gonna try! Oh scratch that, we're not" is, as Lani says, so fucking wearing. (ok, the expletive is mine.) For all of us. I think I speak for all of us (me, M., awesome woman, her incredibly supportive and cool husband) now when I say we'd really like to get the show on the road. With all of this waiting there has been just enough time for some what ifs to creep back in. At least for me:

What if our RE says NO? What if we can't move forward? Then what? Then what.....


In these childfree and limbo times, there are days when we (now meaning me and M) function almost as well as we used to. Days where we laugh and scheme and plot together. Just the other day we were scheming about a trip to a really far away place to do a really cool thing, something we haven't done since embarking on this babymaking journey 3 long years ago. We seem to be approaching normalcy, as normal as one can be. To an outside observer, we are living full and vibrant childfree lives. Look! They do whatever they want! They go places. They do things. How cool!

There are moments when I even convince myself.

But then I sneak a peak at a facebook page I shouldn't have, I accidentally click on a link or a document I've saved all about pre-natal something or other, I let my thoughts wander, oh Christ the longing is immobilizing. When this happens I can't even stand myself. I have to hope it passes before M gets home so I don't infect him too.

I have to learn to live with the limbo. The stops and starts. No one said this would be smooth sailing. Buck up! I tell the internal me. This is life, baby. It ain't easy.

- But why is it so much easier for other people?

- How do you know it is?

-I don't. Sigh. I don't.

But I have a hunch.


Barbara said...

This simply must work and that's that. (and I think I might be slightly in love and admiration with this person on your behalf too)

Sending easy vibes...


Barbara said...

Oh bugger... and I forgot to add Happy Birthday weekend vibes too!

FET Accompli said...

Thanks for the update - this lady sounds amazing. In some ways (and only some ways, I'll stress) surrogacy can be easier. This lady has a uterus that presumably has worked before and produced healthy babies. Your baby/ies will be in a nice place and that will give you some comfort, in a weird way. At least, that is how it felt for me.

Hope's Mama said...

Wow, this is amazing. Wishing you all the very best and..... happy birthday as well.

ezra'smommy said...

Wishing you a gentle and fun birthday my dear. All fingers & toes are crossed that the RE gives the go ahead for your super lady...and she is indeed astoundingly super.

Nadine said...

Happy Birthday hun.
Surrogacy is an amazing thing, where you can get that magical happy ending, but, it can also be ye know mind boggling hard (as you know).

IT's funny how we all get through things, me, when ever I feel that life is so hard for me and so easy for others I remind myself, no one can walk into my house and drag me into the street, I life in a safe country, where no one is bombing us, I know seems a little dramatic but has always helped me.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow, that really is super duper news! I'm very excited for you and hoping that things happen quickly for you. If you don't mind me asking, what made you consider surrogacy? Is it something that an RE recommends or is it more just a personal decision? I think surrogates must be heaven sent angels, how selfless are they? Phenomenal. Happy Birthday xxx

Sue said...

Happy birthday! I'm sorry you're still stuck in limbo. I know it's hard, and obviously it's hard for other people to see you there or they wouldn't be offering to help with surrogacy. And if this doesn't work out, something else will. You WILL be in a better place eventually, I'm just sorry you're not there now.

Jan said...

Happy birthday - and great good luck with the possible surrogacy!

Calliope said...

Been thinking of you so very glad you posted with this most kick ass awesome news.


Must get together again soon.

Mo said...


happy happy birthday. And wow - what a wonderful thing that someone is offering to be a surrogate. that's incredible. absolutely incredible. I will have all good thoughts sent your way that the waiting part is over with soon so that you can move forward to the pregnancy part. of all people, you and M deserve this. and soon.

thinking of you!


Allison (Ali) said...

it was my birthday weekend too!!! happy birthday!
i hope the GC works out this time!

stacyb said...

a little late's never too late is it.

you are awesome. you will both be incredible parents and hopefully that will be soon.

the incredible lady is also my hero.

happy birthday.

Lani said...

thanks for linking to me- you and i are in this same stinking waiting game. i feel your pain, oh so much.

glad to hear that there is a possibility but damn, it all gets so tiresome.

we need a real chat you and i. xo