Friday, December 2, 2011

Post Script

I've been having mixed feelings about hitting "publish" on that last post.

Thanks so much for your comments, and yes, I'm right there with you. "Cautiously optimistic" doesn't even begin to describe how cautiously we are approaching these possibilities. There are still so many variables in play. So many points in which the story will be over. Enough to fill a spreadsheet.

But being somewhere is better than being nowhere, right?

And did I jinx it by speaking aloud?

This is a constant struggle for me. At work, communication is so related to strategy - what to say to whom and when and who needs to hear it first so protocols are followed and egos are massaged. Communication is a constant dance.

At home, cohabitation with an undersharer has definitely made me more careful about spilling my guts to all I meet. Somewhat out of respect for him and his privacy, and also because as I've matured I do realize that there is such a thing as appropriate dinner conversation and my innards or my crappy day at work or the very detailed critique of your best friend's hair doesn't necessarily fall into that category.

sidenote: that realization does NOT prevent me from sticking foot in mouth:

We met another person who lives in our building last week. As we were chatting I ask (and somehow sensing where I was going, I hear M silently moan...)

me: "hey! do you think there's a stripper that lives on the 2nd floor? There's a girl there. She's really pretty and keeps odd hours. I see her all the time in the middle of day in sweats walking her dogs."
new guy: "You mean my sister?"
[M: audible groan. sharp kick under table]
new guy: "yeah, uh, she's not a stripper. We own a tanning salon together."
ugh. ugh. ugh.
Luckily, I also learned they don't really like each other. But still....

Ok, back to post. So as you can see, sometimes I worry incessantly about when to open my mouth. Other times, not so much. Yesterday's post was one that's been churning in my brain for a while but somehow I'm feeling, I don't know, a little exposed with it out there.

But I think we're all on the same page here: the cautiously optimistic page.

On the agency side of things, we learned yesterday that upon another interview, they decided this potential profile they mentioned was probably not a good match for us, but they hoped to have some next week to share. I was also told that finding a match for us was has become a "personal challenge" for the director.

And that left me a little chuffed. Maybe I was feeling emboldened by Mo's recent post on being made to feel a little high maintenance for simply exercising some patient rights, and perhaps I was wondering if we and the agency were each working off of some different expectations, so I wrote back:

"I'm struggling to understand what makes us such a challenge. How are we different from other IPs?"

This is something I had asked before and that response encouraged us to redo our profile (which I feel much better about this time around). This time, I received another quick and thoughtful response back. Our agency had been working from our "wish list." And two of the criteria they were using to select profiles were dead on. The other two, well, I'm really glad I asked.

They had been assuming we only wanted to deal with in-state GCs. Not so. We only wanted an assurance that wherever the GC was, their state was surrogate-friendly so we wouldn't encounter any legal issues with birth certificates, hospitals, etc. I assured her we are willing to do a nationwide search to get us to the person that can build our family with us.

The agency had also not been sharing any profiles of women who were stay at home moms with us, and SAHMs are pretty much the bulk of their database. This completely puzzled me, but when I looked through old email strings, I had placed an emphasis on wanting to be sure our GC felt financially independent (with or without the GC fee) and really wanted a woman who had outside interests and hobbies, someone engaged in furthering her career or educational goals. Pieces that we said we liked about profiles we had seen so far usually involved women who were pursuing higher degrees, working on promotions....I could see how our agency thought employment was a "must have."

But I wish we would have talked about this sooner. Our wish list was just that - a wish. Describing ideal situations, not eliminate-anyone-that-doesn't-fit criteria. And what the hell do we know about what's ideal? We've never done this before!

Communication = so key. Out of state carriers are fine. SAHMs are welcome. It seems that this will open up a few more possibilities for us to review as we wait for medical records to be obtained and sent from our friend. We're trying to stay on parallel tracks so we don't lose any more time lest one of them falls through.

Cautiously optimistic on both fronts. Braced for the next hurdle. Learning lessons on communication along the way.


niobe said...

This sounds very promising -- the more possibilities you have, the more likely one will work out.

Monique said...

That's good news on all fronts - wishing so much luck. xo

TracyOC said...

I keep trying to comment and then you put up another post and I have to recalibrate. At any rate, I'm so hopeful about all of your possibilities on all fronts. If it is possible for mind power to mold your potential GC's insides to make the most perfect womb imaginable, consider it done. Hoping so, so hard for you and M.

tireegal68 said...

I am so delighted ( cautiously of course) to read this news and am glad that you are re examining and re communicating and hopefully getting to the place where each party understands each other.
I love that you are an over sharer that has to do a funny dance between being a communicatrix and a foot in mouther. Your story was hilarious!!!!
I wonder what you do for a living? communications, perhaps?
After working in management for three years I am so over the whole dance of delicacy and who knows what and when to say things. I am glad that someone like you is taking care of those things - just not me. The word "political" makes me shudder in my socks!!
But I am really glad to read all your news and I am definitely on your support team 100%.
Friendly squeeze!
Oh and DW is an undersharer and I am an oversharer and it used to get me in all sorts of trouble - esp if I shared something about her or us that she was not into sharing - but I learned to not offend or piss her off too much. It did take time though:)

Anonymous said...

I only have occassional moments where the foot is actually out of the mouth. And trying harder usually makes it worse, so now I just live with it ;-)

You would think that really it's the agency's job to ensure they understand clearly what you want? It sounds a bit to me like they are the ones making assumptions without making sure they are getting it...

duck said...

Seems like good news on both fronts. Most GS's are usually SAHMs who sorta do it all on the side, but, it sounds like your criteria is ideal (as in ideal to have you find someone who won't be mad as a hatter). AND I'm super happy to read that your covering the whole legal front, the legalities in the states make my heart papillate, you should open it up to Canada, although it would take more work to get the child/children into the country, you also don't have to worry about getting healthcare coverage for the surrogate OR the babies born as they will all be taken care of by our wonderful socialist health care.

PS - loved the story of the stripper, so something I would say!

m said...

@lucky - you know, first I was frustrated with the agency for taking everything we put in our wish list so literally, but wouldn't I have been ticked off if they completely ignored it? Probably. Plus, I think our reactions were so negative to the first set of profiles they sent, maybe they felt they were way off and needed to recalibrate. I do wish we would have had a quick phone call to check the realities of the process though - you only want to see women with jobs? ok that's fine, but know that 80% of our DB is not that....

Like everything, this is a learning process. I'd like to give them a few more chances before we shift gears and start all over again with another agency. Ugh. Just the typing of that makes me tired.

m said...

And, for the record, our neighbor totally looks like an off duty stripper - sweatpants and flip flops but with hair, nails and face all did. I didn't think I was *that* off with my assessment.

dana said...

Sounds like things are moving along - which is wonderful!

ps we totally thought our neighbor was a stripper as well (same description as your neighbor)...turns out she's a firefighter, ha!

Mo said...

This is really promising! keep us posted!

Stopping by too to say thinking of you and M and the girls today.