Thursday, March 22, 2012

A lot - crammed into one post - that I am struggling to title

I wrote the most amazing post yesterday morning. It was poignant, thoughtful...I mean, bordering on brilliant.

I can say this because I wrote it in my head on my run and cannot recall a single sentence of it. So, nothing to prove otherwise.

It must have been brilliant.


I'm playing hooky right now. Taking advantage of about an hour that I have between pushing through some early morning deadlines (done!) and before I need to start getting ready in earnest to get in the car and go do a presentation this afternoon. I have about an hour drive between me and my destination and a car stereo that actually functions, unlike the past. I'm looking forward to the afternoon.

Right now, I made some tea. I just played a game of solitaire. I'm clearing my head. I feel decadent. Indulgent, even. I have a space of time to myself. And to spend with you.

So, how are you?

Today is the day we always thought our daughters would be born. Its not their due date. Its not the day they actually did arrive. This was the magical date that M and I always assumed they would come and be with us. A few weeks earlier than expected, but late enough that they would still thrive. The would come yawning and then squealing, marking the day M's sister was born (happy birthday, A!) as well as the birth date of their strong and resilient grandmother. An exclamation of the first 48 hours of spring. A punctuation on my decades of life living without cancer, but with its aftermath. Today would be the end of some stories and the beginning of others.

Today is a day you wouldn't know about if you didn't follow us here. Its not a date we announce, or commemorate or purposefully celebrate or mourn, although that has been known to happen. It is simply a day of remembering a date that's significant in this way only to us. March 22 is the day of our loves.


This day, this time around is colored brightly by hope. Oh friends, we have good news. A green light update, if you will. We met our gestational surrogate and her husband face to face for the first time last Friday....They rock. We think so. Our doc thinks so. Our shrink thinks so. People, all systems are go.

They were nervous, as were we. We promptly shuttled them from the airport through a major city (cue traffic, culture shock, trying to stay awake after a 4 am wake up to catch the plane, yowch). They were total troopers through it all. We had no idea they weren't on a direct flight, or else we would have insisted they stay the night. But tickets had been booked, there were return flights to catch. We spent most of our time in waiting rooms and in our tiny car, but that's where the most intimate conversations are supposed to occur, right? Didn't I hear a PSA about that once? Having trouble talking to your teen? Take a drive, talk it out.....

There were no uncomfortable silences, no awkward moments. Expectations were suitably subdued on both sides. I don't think any of us are looking for new best friends. We are looking for some folks with kind and generous hearts and open minds.

And I can only speak for myself, but I think we've found that.

We have contracts to finalize but our doc is already thinking through transfer dates. Which look like they could be as early as May.

May, people. May. As in 2012.

As in, soon.

I would love to tell you more but those are some conversations we still need to have together. Our family of two has just multiplied and pulled in another one to help us build ours. So if I'm skimping on details, I'm not being coy, simply respectful.

But what I can share is a feeling of optimism that seems to be completely taking over M and me. I'm feeling surrounded and overwhelmed by love, riding it like a sea swell, hanging on like mad.


Nicole said...

Very exciting news!!! I will keep my fingers crossed for you that all continues to go well :)

Danielle said...

Wow. Just wow for now. Sitting here feeling hushed and hopeful- what a great way to welcome the promise of Spring. Thinking of your girls and sending wishes for your growing family.

Heather said...

Holy crap!! May!

niobe said...

Thinking of you.

And, you know, I have a similar date, though mine is in December --the day I always thought my twins would arrive.

Misc Momma said...

Very hopeful for you!

Barbara said...

Oh goodness, hopes and wishes, wishes and hopes!

Thinking of your daughters and sending love.


Mo said...

I am thrilled to hear that you'll be moving forward with the surrogate in May. whoo hoo!!!



still life angie said...

Eeep! Cautiously optimistic with you both. Beautiful trees in bloom, remembering your girls with you. Sending you love and dreams of May!

Notorious BIB said...

wow wow wow. Very exciting. You know we're pulling for you! Love from BIB and fam

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Those are some beautiful trees. Err, loves. :-)

Green is a lovely color, especially fof a light. I'm glad you're seeing a lot of it and I'm hoping that things just keep on shining. In green.

P.S. I'm certain it was brilliant. Ask me how I know.

Margot said...


I am so glad I found your blog. I am thinking of your sweet girls today and pray they are smiling down on their parents who have so many reasons to cling to hope today. We lost our identical boys, Michael and Eli in June and just recently lost their sister, Kate. We are now in the ivf process, which is actually how I came across your blog. I can relate to dates, happy ones, whimsical ones, and sad ones. I will pray for your family as you continue your journey to bringing your babies home with you.


Carla said...

Beautiful......brought tears to my eyes thinking about the possibilities about to unfold.....hoping everything falls into place nicely and quickly!

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I have a huge smile on my face right now -- this post just removed my blue hue for the morning! :-)

This is such great news -- both the green light and the fact that you guys fit well together. May it be only smooth sailing from here.

And holding you in my heart a day late for your day.

Smiling said...

Thank you for sharing the trees... they were the perfect image to rest my eyes on as tears welled up.

And then I kept reading and suddenly I felt like dancing. That is a lot of emotion for a reader -- I can only imagine just how intense these days have been for you! Congrats on the possibility of May.... May.. WOW. I'll be hoping that all works out.... wow wow wow.

Sue said...

The trees are beautiful, and I hope the 22nd was gentle to you.

I'm so very happy to hear you think you've found your surrogate. Fingers crossed for more good news to follow.

Monique said...

That's very good news - I will remain hopeful with you. Remembering your girls with you. xo

tireegal68 said...

So many things. Thank you for sharing this hidden anniversary - I hope you were able to celebrate your beautiful girls while you missed them. Their trees are so
Perfect. Did they flower early because of the hot weather?
I feel your hope about the amazing surrogate family you have found and I hope and pray that they will lead you to your next child. Sending hugs and prayers:)

Hope's Mama said...

If I didn't know any better, I'd say this was HOPE. This post was full of it.
Wow, so soon. And I'm so hopeful for you.

TracyOC said...

This is like the post to rule them all. I've been thinking about it for a couple of days and running the gamut of emotions for you and M.

I'm thinking of your girls and those beautiful trees in bloom.

And I'm hoping so, so hard for you and your prospective gc. Fingers and toes crossed for a smooth transition into May (May!!!).

Let me know if there's anything we can do to help during your frequent trips to our neck of the woods.

dana said...

The trees are beautiful; so fitting.

and May. Holy...May! Like others, incredibly excited for y'all!


m said...

Thank you all! I feel like I'm reading my own emotions as I read through your comments. Hushed and hopeful, cautiously optimistic, smiles and tears and fingers crossed, thank you. I will tell you as much as I can as the journey unfolds.

Dear Margot, I am so, so sorry for your losses. I would love to talk with you more (if you'd like) at Welcome to the blog. I wish it were under better circumstances. But I'm glad you're here. I hope you find more voices and resources here that help.

luna said...

oh, cautious optimism, such a wonderful thing! holding out hope that this road leads to your future.

the trees are simply gorgeous. I love that they bloom in spring, for their special date. <3

Kami said...

Awww . . .wonderful, wonderful to hear. I have great hope that this time next year you will be taking your little one(s) to visit their sibling's trees.

Mandy said...

Have been lurking for years and this is so good to read. Praying for you.

Brenna said...

Thrilling news!

CoffeeBlue said...

I am very excited for all that's in store for you this Spring. Sending good thoughts your way.

Dora said...

Awesome, awesome news! First Mo, now you! Big smile here.