Thursday, May 10, 2012


Oh sigh.

I'm in a bit of a rut. Maybe not a rut, maybe more like a plateau.

Maybe a treadmill. The one where you drip and sweat and curse for what feels like hours only to look down at the numbers and go, What!?!?! Areyoufuckingkiddingme? I went nowhere?

That's where I am this sunny Thursday morning. Running in place. Seemingly going nowhere.

I'm stuck at the office overseeing painters, carpenters and various repairmen. Everyone else is off or working from home. I get to be the grown up in charge. But I donwanna. I'd rather get some work done, sip some tea without worrying whether or not these portly gentlemen are ripping apart the wrong room. But alas. Here I am.

But it's a distraction and distractions are good, because if I were working from home I would probably just obsessively refresh my gmail. Over, and over and over again, waiting for the latest news from our attorney.

This surrogacy shit. People, it's not easy.

Never mind the existential crises that come with it. (oh, and there's plenty.) The contract phase. Jesus, it's a bitch. The entire exercise is masochistic - planning for each and every worst case scenario you can imagine, and then figuring out what to do if it should come true.

Oh, and putting a price on it.

It's ugly. It's frustrating. It treads a very fine line of "oh that sound reasonable and fair," and "areyoufuckingkiddingme?" And it's 100% necessary. There is no way around it.

We've only been back and forth a couple of times with some revisions. And I suppose in the grand scheme of things, that's really quite normal. A contract, after all, should be about negotiation and compromise. A successful negotiation is one in which both sides feel like they've won, maybe not everything, but something substantial. I am really hoping for a win-win situation.

But M and I are both feeling like we are fairly close to walking.

I'm hoping that feeling fades. I'm hoping we're just tired, and ready for motion. I'm hoping that happens soon. I'm hoping this is the hardest part.

I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize without peering too far into the future. Mel's post reminding me I will get through this couldn't have hit my Reader at a better time.

Taking things day by day, hour by hour, carpet tile by carpet tile (I should really go check on them), push up by push up.

Can we talk about the push ups for a minute?

So, the good news is, I can actually DO one now. I'm feeling stronger, better postured, a tad slimmer, but not nearly as slim as M (damn him!!!) I can't say I don't feel good and fit and strong. I can say that I had hoped for the results of working out an hour + Every. damn. day. And removing beer and pizza and french fries from my life to be a bit more dramatic. This, people, this is where I want the drama in my life to be!

M is a champ - he compliments me every day and cheers me on (when we're not screaming at each other "you're doing it wrong!" "fuck off I can't breathe" "I'm just trying to help!" "then quit looking at me!!") Yeah, I don't really think those are the chants that are supposed to go along with moving asanas....

Anyways, day 25 of P90X. Down between 6-8 lbs depending on the day. My wedding ring is loose. My shoes are loose. Gah, who knew? Chubby hands and feet? I've let cheese slip back into my life as I run between meetings and grab whatever (still no dairy or meat in the house) and I'm thinking this is the next adjustment to make. M is looking seriously fabulous. He's my hero.

Exercise. It's so crazy. You start a routine. You go through the motions. Follow instructions. Wait for results. Every day. Unwavering. Tweaking diets and habits, hoping to get a leg up. Do I get on the scale? No! No! Not yet. How about now? No! Stop! You have to wait until at least 10dpt.

Oh wait. (blush) Sorry. Wrong routine.

photo credit: me.


Nadine said...

I'm glad about the p90, we just started on monday(after running that half on Sunday). I like it, but my husband sees his former athlete and I feel is pushing himself too hard.

When your infertile, we question every step, everything could be a sign(good or bad), I probably told myself I wasn't meant to be a parent about a thousand times, and through third party reproduction in there and it becomes harder. Contracts is the hardest part, it determines how you will work through differences and sets up how things will go.

Have another thought, but will emailing to you.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Watching paint dry sounds kinda appealing now, doesn't it?

I hope that the marathon you've been running is ready for it's next level. May the contract work out in a way that meets all your needs, and may you need none of the worst-case clauses.

Bug hugs, you hottie, you!

Carla said...

oh, the contract phase is no fun at all! It was the worst part! Hopefully nothing is so extreme that you all walk away. If you get through this, then all the medical craziness, then the REAL fun begins! Getting baby(ies) made and transferred and growing! Looking forward to hearing that this stage is complete!

Heather said...

Whoa - you mean you are going through all this WITHOUT pizza and beer?

You're getting closer every day.

Happy (early) Mother's Day to you. :)

m said...

Nadine, you are a machine!!

You are so right about questioning every step and I confess, I have been near the "maybe this just isn't meant to be" admission a lot in recent days.

Luz, you, my girl, are the hottie. And I was mistaken - painters don't come until Tuesday. It's all carpet, all day today. I hope we're ready for the next level soon too. I cringe at the thought of going back to start.

Carla, oh thank you so much for weighing in here. So it's not just me? I feel like this part is neverending, when everything else has been so seamless. I really appreciate knowing its a challenge from any angle. Thank you.

Heather - yes! But its possible some glasses of red wine are smoothing the way. And a happy early day to you as well, my friend.

niobe said...

Our surrogacies went pretty smoothly, but there were definitely rough spots, especially at the negotiation phase.

What I did was concentrate on the goal -- a healthy baby and tried to let the other stuff go. Here's how I thought about it:

If things didn't work out, I would have a lot more to worry about than the fact that I didn't get exactly what I wanted on clause 2(b)(ii) of the contract.

And if everything did work out, I'd care even less about the terms of the contract.

Anyway. It's not easy.

Nicole said...

Good luck with the surrogacy stuff. It sounds like A LOT and I am sure there are lot of tough moments.

Since I had invasive cervical cancer, my options are now limited to surrogacy and adoption. At this time, I am not interested in making either of those leaps, but I am glad that I am learning more about surrogacy through your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your story and this process with all of us. I really appreciate it more than you can know.

Smiling said...

Yay about the push up... the exercise routine and sticking with it without the dramatic results you're hoping for. It'll come, check some photos of your in a few weeks with some from awhile go...:)

Good luck with the contract and surgagacy journey. It sounds really draining to price out and think out everything that goes wrong. My heart shutters a bit...

Just a thought... but I know with every project and every exercise session there is a phase where I am 100% convinced I need to walk away. I just can't do it. It is too hard, boring, tough, outside my skill set, worthless, un-fun, not what I signed up for... Pretty much always hits me at the 10 minute phase of exercise and at the "things are really getting vague and unstructured" part of a project where the scope is only growing but progress hasn't begun.... and then (if I decide to push through) a shift happens. And I am no longer wanting to walk away.. I want to tentatively go step by step forward with the knowledge I considered opting out and chose not to (rather than having life just happen to me). This is just me and may have no relevance to your situation.. but it came to mind when I read your blog today..

Hang in there!