Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Blog by Numbers

  • Baby M/m is doing great. At last ultrasound, was measuring right on time. Which means today is 9 weeks 2 days.
  • Heartbeat was 175 (and our gestational surrogate is placing bets that it's a girl. How about you?)
  • Today is day 44 of my running streak. 
  • 30:48 was my finish time for a 5K this weekend. A personal best, and also the very first time I've ran with the woman who inspired me to run, my girl S.
Now, the last number is the one that's affecting my life the most right now and the one that is the most unknown. How many more days does my dad have to live? Are we talking months? Weeks? Days?

This weekend was a rough one. M and I were both exhausted, but we got to leave on Sunday. Mom, she gets to stay behind. And apparently things got worse when we left. Cancer is clearly pushing into his brain and he has equal moments of lucidity and talking straight up nonsense. He thinks he's mobile but he's not. He fell twice when we were there and thank god for M because I wasn't getting a 200+ lb man off the floor.  His weakness is making him frustrated. His frustration is making him mean. His meanness makes me snap back...none of this is pretty.

He's spending a few days at the hospice facility now, which will be a relief for my mom, who is crumbing under her own exhaustion. I'm debating renting a car and heading down tomorrow for a few days, but the problem is, once Labor Day weekend hits, their little beach town will quadruple in size. I'll need to make it back before the weekend rush or my 3+ hr drive will turn into a 5+ one. Guaranteed.

So we'll see.


still life angie said...

I'm so sorry to read about your dad. You spelled out that frustration/meanness/snapping cycle perfectly. I have a large father who denies his limitations, and used to fall over and over again, and then cuss me out when I was trying to pick him up...it is so exhausting. And then right in there, there were lots of yips and eeps at nine weeks! And girl! I'm going for girl too. Love you and miss you.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. This end of life business all sounds so exhausting and so sad. I wish you strength over the coming days/weeks and hopefully a few nice moments with your dad when he is lucid.

And baby! And running! These are exciting bits of news. Congrats on the PR and CONGRATS on the growing baby! My boy/girl intuition is pretty accurate with my babies but is crap with other people's babies. I'll go against the grain and say boy (and will probably be wrong).

Anonymous said...

Sorry, that's an impossibly difficult situation with your dad's declining health. It just doesn't happen in a tidy manner, instead loads get stirred up and I can see that you're all suffering. Hugs to you.

Glad you have your babe2b and husband to keep you believing in your bright future.

Paz said...

Sorry didn't mean to post anonymously just then. Paz

dana said...

When everyone involved is frustrated and tired, it becomes an almost impossible situation. I'm so very sorry you're having to go through this - for all of y'all.

So very proud of you on the running! Awesome! And baby. Sweet baby! Sending you love and hugs xo