Sunday, November 4, 2012

Where I say "oh sh*t." A lot.

A few days ago, I seriously contemplated joining the NaBloPoMo party.

A post a day for 30 days, how hard could it be? I mean, I run every day. This wouldn't even require sitting upright. And would be over in 30. Hell, Keiko's doing it times three (ps. you HAVE lost your mind, girl). I spent most of Friday drafting a few posts in my mind. And then I regained my senses.

And this morning, as I'm overcome with a pile of "oh shit oh shit oh shit" thoughts about the things I need to do, like yesterday, I'm feeling pretty thankful I didn't add one more thing to my list.

We are one week away from my work's annual conference, where we are down more than a couple staff and deadlines are looming and anxiety is rising among those of us that remain. (I thought) I was trying to keep a "don't worry! Everything will be fine! demeanor in the office, but I've been told I'm not doing a very good job of it. As in, my boss told me to take a cold shower in the middle of a staff meeting last week because I was getting so overheated about a particular item. Sorry, sorry.

Not really. But whatever.


Earlier this week, our baby mama sent us a picture of her 18-week belly. And that hit me like a ton.

Holy shit. This shit is real. Our baby2B. Right there. In there. 

"Yeah, good thing she wasn't faking it," texts M.

Hardy har (asshole). Of course. But seeing it is something different, isn't it? It was for me.

And with that pic, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with an, oh shit we should really start to like, do something, to get ready, shouldn't we? Should we?

Baby gear - we have very little. Other than a few things we bought for I and J that never made it out of their wrappers. A few onesies. A few socks. A gorgeous (and nonreturnable) crib set. No crib. No car seat. No nothing.

But the week we bought the crib sets was the week things took a terrible turn. The week I bought paint for the would-be-nursery was the week we no longer needed a nursery. (and I really can't even link back to those posts. You know where they are).

I am torn between wanting to nest in a big and wonderful autumnal way, and not wanting to count on my little chicken until its hatched.

A friend asked me about future childcare plans the other night. Holy shit. I am so not there yet. I'm still trying to think about where to put baby2B once he/she joins us. My mom was talking about buying diapers the other night and I was like, huhhh? And don't misread this. I don't have a sense of foreboding, or any reason to believe baby2B won't be here in four months. All is well, but I don't want to do anything that appears presumptuous.

Or over-confident.
Or cocky.

And if you think I'm bad, M is worse. We still haven't told the vast majority of the people we interact with daily. We think his mom knows, but we're not sure? M is begging for no public announcement until at least after I and J's day next month. And I can completely understand that.

But I'm not crazy about this feeling of being completely unprepared, when we have had such ample time to prepare. Months. Years, really.

I think I just need to get through the next few weeks, and then revisit.

In ten more days, this conference will be over. For better or for worse. In twelve more days, we set out west to go meet baby2B in person (via ultrasound) and we shall know whether we are expecting a he or a she. In one month and one day from today, we will honor the day that Isa and Jovi came to be, and then left. Four years ago. Four. They would be four.

phhhhhhhshhhhhhh. That's me. Remembering to breathe.

I think this is my cue to go run.

baby2B - 19 weeks today
the streak - 16 weeks today


A. said...

I am so excited for you and happy to see a good update :) I have no good advice about how to plan or not to plan - I am feeling incredibly optimistic for you but I completely get the conflict. On one hand being unprepared and not having all the gear you need at the last moment sounds like a pretty good type of problem to have as far as problems go - on the other hand, it would probably be nice to indulge a bit in some happy-go-lucky behavior and have fun and lots of time to pick stuff out.

jenicini said...

It's seems like a ball of excitement, nervousness, and disbelief all wrapped up in one. :) With E, I was nervous about buying things, we were moving to Alaska, and then I was in the hospital on complete bed rest. Since I couldn't go shop, I simply added literally everything I needed to my registry/wish list. When I finally got past 32 weeks, I went ahead and started purchasing. This made me feel better that I had already done my research on what I wanted and was organized, but didn't actually have to see the boxes. It helped me get through it. :D

Danielle said...

You'll know when you're ready to plan. One day it will feel exciting and hopeful to buy a "taking baby home from the hospital" outfit, and you'll do it. Or it will feel too weird to do, and one of your many adoring fans will supply one. (I took baby J home in the outfit Sarah bought for Ezra and used to take Micah home, which was way more special than anything I could have bought myself). The nursery will be painted or it won't, and you'll hang lots of colorful things on the walls as they are. Trust your own timing on this one. The baby needs you and M. Everything else can be outsourced to people who will be more than thrilled to help welcome your little one home.

Anonymous said...

Just keep breathing!

And even if you can't bring yourself to buy much/anything, remember, B2B doesn't need much of anything for quite a while, and you'll all deal together. ♥

jjiraffe said...

I am so impressed by your streak! Wow.

Esperanza likes to say that the baby gear business is there to sell us stuff we don't need. Which I think is definitely a good point...I agree with Danielle's advice that you'll know when you are ready.

m said...

Oh @A too right! A baby with no gear is a pretty wonderful problem to have. But then there are these pangs of, "dammit, I'm an expectant mom, too." The yearning for some happy-go-lucky behavior, mixed with the apprehension that comes with loss.

@jenicini, I couldn't have said it better: excitement+nervousness+disbelief, with a little dose of work-stress on top. I really like the idea of building a secret registry and then unveiling when it feels right. That sounds like a very, very sound plan. Thanks!

@Dani - I love you. And I thank you for stopping by today of all days. And you share some excellent advice. The nursery will be painted or it won't. Indeed.

@twohotmamas and @jjiraffe - I like how you think, and have been wondering just what of all of this stuff that one sees is a true necessity and what isn't. From what I can gather, a car seat, a place to sleep, some clothes, diapers, cloths and food are needs that are real. Everything else can fall into place, or not.

Again, just what A. said: "being unprepared and not having all the gear you need at the last moment sounds like a pretty good type of problem to have as far as problems go."

Monique said...

What Danielle said...I could not prepare for George and he was fine. We all muddled through and everyone bought stuff for him (we were overloaded in fact). It was like everyone let out a collective sigh of relief and wanted to shop.

Four years already without your girls. Sending love. xo

Two Shorten the Road said...

You have more time than you think to get ready. All you really need at first is a place for the baby to sleep (and some bedding), diapers (which you can easily get between the delivery and the homecoming), a car seat, and some mechanism by which to feed the baby.

So if you want to wait a while longer, it's probably not going to set you back that far.

luna said...

I built a secret registry late at night when we were hoping for our first via adoption. I never got to feel like I was "expecting" because that seemed too presumptuous. but I am a planner and researching gave me something to do. it was a good outlet for a lot of nervous energy; plus I got to go shopping (online) and get what we needed. we never really shared the list with anyone but a few family members.

btw, I'd add a baby carrier to the short list of things you need. I still carry our 1yo in it almost every day.

so. very. exciting!

Nadine said...

We told people after 28 weeks, because we were like that, even then we dent do very much until 34 weeks, except paint their room.

You can totally wait, the only things we even did, and all very late was buy a crib, cars seats, stroller, all after 34 weeks.

Hmm big day down ther today.

Unknown said...

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Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...

As the other's said, you can buy everything you really need in a day. Looking back I was lucky. The baby after Henrick was a girl who had a big sister whose stuff was stored away. It was all a matter of when to bring it out and clean it. I don't think I fully appreciated that until now. I believe I got the car seat out and washed the cover two weeks before my scheduled c-section. Prior to that I didn't want to look at it. I felt confident that Elin would arrive ok, but seeing baby stuff laying about in a house with no baby had bad memories.

However, the child care thing is a different story and it isn't a bad idea at all to start researching. We used the EAP program through my health insurance to aid in the search for an in home daycare and it was a great help. We LOVE our daycare provider. LOVE.

I'm beyond thrilled that B2B is growing so well.

Anonymous said...

Friends of ours got a new born baby girl two weeks ago through adoption. Called (as in found out) on the Monday morning, fetched her Monday afternoon. They really had NOTHING and they are doing OK :-)

Make a list of things you will need, and then you can literally go out and get them a few days before!

It's exciting, really awesome.