Saturday, November 24, 2012

One Step Beyond

Are you sure some of you didn't vote twice? Because I really wasn't sure I had that many readers these days. But JP is right. the "tells" have it. So, I am here to tell you that as of today, our SON is one day older than his big sisters, I and J.


One day shy of 22 weeks.
One step closer to viability.
One squeak closer to talking about this freely in real life.
Thankful. Grateful. Quietly ecstatic, if that is such a thing. 

But today is a windy, grey day of some mixed emotions. Yesterday, M and I both were on a cleaning spree. I finally dug into my boxes of hidden baby items and maternity clothes that were tucked into a space closet and decided what to keep (the baby stuff) and what I will never need (items with expanding waist-lines and A-line cuts).  I was surprised at how things were so tightly, neatly, perfectly packed. How many things still have the price tags on. How many baby books I purchased and never even cracked. I have only a vague recollection of packing these things away. Zero recollection of some of those purchases.Selective memory.

It felt good to itemize the items that will find their way to the local YWCA. The saying farewell and moving forward was liberating and cleansing. Freeing. I'm glad I waited until I was in a place to say goodbye gladly before venturing into these boxes. It felt even better to find some onesies and socks that will actually be put to use.

Today is day two of the cleaning frenzy. We have a huge apartment. Big rooms. Tiny closets. Its the storage space that is presenting some challenges today. So we're shifting and shuffling and throwing out and giving away, all in the hopes of finding some order and some more livable comfy spaces here. Re-purposing some nooks and crannies that could fit a rocking chair and soothing light, as opposed to just stacks of kitchen appliances and unused canning jars.

In the midst of all of this, I may have accused M of hiding "my" books and CDs in order to give his own top billing in our shelves and cabinets. I might have gotten a little proprietary over certain portions of our living space.

You know when someone just kind of stands and looks at you with that "what the fuck is wrong with you???!" look and at that same moment you're kind of overcome with that "what the fuck is wrong with me??" realization?  Yeah. Cue the mixed emotions.

All of this. This is exciting. And terrifying. We've never made it to 21 weeks and 6 days before. And here we are. And we have a sense that everything is going to be ok. Our surrogate - rock solid. Awesome. Confident. Assured. And meeting the people who will care for her (and us) in a few months - was nothing short of amazing. M and I are at risk of bursting into tears talking about how kind and caring our future caregivers seem. How readily they welcomed us and how open they are to being a part of this experience with us. Our trip truly was one of giving thanks.

But there is still that feeling of walking into the unknown. Going one step beyond where we've even gone before. Exciting. Terrifying. Exhilarating. Exhausting.

So, I think I just need to turn the music up. Roll with it. Roll with me, people.


Heather said...

I'm so so happy for you.

Lori Lavender Luz said...


Of course, that smile is for the 21-6, not for the lack of storage space.

Anonymous said...

I am TOTALLY rocking and rolling with you. Congrats!!

tireegal68 said...

Big armoires! That's what you need! And shelves!
And cubby holes!
It sounds like you are all making great progress!
Psyched its a boy!!! Glad your trip was great!
Thinking of you, the baby boy and I and J, his beautiful sisters.

Carla said...

wonderful news!!! Boys are so much fun! Very happy for you!

Mo said...

oh m! What wonderful, wonderful news! A son!! So so happy for you!!



luna said...

hooray for NESTING!

this post makes me SO very happy.

believe me, I know how you feel when you count those days. I'm just SO happy. your son is on his way to you!!!

I know how I was with certain things when our first was born (ie, some things had to be new, other things I didn't care), but I probably have some baby things if you are into hand-me-downs. just let me know.


TracyOC said...

Thrilled to hear this excellent news. Hoping hard for a smooth second (slightly less than) half of the pregnancy. A little boy! How exciting!

dana said...

So, so happy for y'all! xo

Monique said...

I'm thrilled for you - a son! xoxo

loribeth said...

Woohoo!! : ) : ) : )

JP said...

Such a hopeful post. Thank you fr sharing the news of your SON with us.