The Visit

We said: "Why are we still so sad?"

She said: "Still? My goodness, it's only been a year. I'm sorry, but you have a long way to go in your grieving process. Another year at least."

And went on to quote the "literature" which give 18-24 months of hardcore grieving for a loss. And that assumes a loss is a parent or a spouse, in other words, someone not unexpected. And that assumes the loss of one, not two, people.

We said: "This is strangely reassuring. Now, please share those time lines with the rest of the world."

She said: "Don't worry about the rest of the world. Worry about you. Worry about each other."

We said: "We are so angry." And went on to explain all that occurred leading up to the birth and death of our daughters.

She said: "Of course you are. You have a right to be angry. You should be angry. Now what are you going to do about it?"

We are going to consult with someone about a potential lawsuit. This is what we are going to do about it.

I said: "I punched a wall last week. Who does that? Who above the age of 13 does that? I feel so violent. All I want to do is punch and kick and smash and break."

She said: "Why do you think that is an inappropriate response? I think you should punch something. Both of you. You need the release. Now, let's think of a way for you to do that without harming yourself. "

I think Santa will be bringing us some pretty cool boxing gear. No shit.

He said: "I just don't see the point of anything."

She said: "Have you considered anti-depressants?"

He said: "That is not going to happen."

She said: "Then punching something becomes imperative."

I said: "I am so tired of failing. For so long. At things so important. I am tired of dealing with bad news that I cannot change and situations I cannot fix. I am sick of things getting worse every time we try to make them better. And I am sick of the assumption that we are ok and the anger when we are not."

She said: "I want you to change your language. You have not failed. There are situations that are beyond your control."

I said: "That is not acceptable."

She said: "Too bad."

I said half-jokingly: "When will we get better?"

She laughed.

I said: "When will we get better?" And meant it.

She said: "I'm sorry. That is simply an answer I do not have. Do you want to work on it together?"

We said: "Yes. Please."

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On Friday December 5th I gave birth to our beautiful twin girls.

The two hours they were alive with us and in our arms was the most joyful time of our lives.

We are home now, taking things moment by moment. Trying to celebrate their birth and existence. Trying to manage the pain of not having them here.