Two days ago marked 20 years cancer free for me, and I wrote about it a little bit here.
But what isn't apparent in that pretty upbeat post was the deep, deep sadness that consumed me for the entire day. It started creeping up on me as I was writing the post, then just kind of got worse and worse until hubby found me in my office a weepy mess. What the f%^& is wrong with me?? I asked that question, he didn't. I didn't think I had an answer. I just assumed it was a typical malaise that we all encounter every now and again. I was surprised by the words that came out.
20 years later and what do I have to show for it? What have I done with the life that was given to me? How have I helped anyone else besides myself? Who have I lived for beyond me? My life could have ended 20 years ago but it didn't. How have I shown my gratitude?
That was part of it. The other part of was based much more soundly in self-pity. 20 years later and I still have a drawer full of meds I can't afford. What's changed?? 20 years later and I am trying to undo what's been done to pieces of me that were never diseased in the first place.
But hang on a second. That's awfully presumptuous of me. What makes me think that hubby and I would have zero problems conceiving if cancer weren't in the picture? What makes me so sure that we wouldn't be in the same boat as so many of our real and blogging friends - testing, trying, testing again, trying to figure out why what should be so easy sometimes isn't? Cancer is an easy, easy (and deserving) scapegoat for us. But it has saved us from the months and months of diagnostic hells that so many of you go through - Do not pass Go, go directly to Egg Donor Program. We didn't have the unknowns, the unexplained, the maybe this, maybe that diagnoses that I know would have driven me crazy. So, I'm thinking for that I should be thankful.
Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our first consultation with the RE. One year. That's a long time, but then again, it isn't. One year later and what do we have to show for it? Well, we now have our families and most of our friends fully invested in (and thankfully supportive of) our desire to have a family. It's no longer a secret, something whispered wistfully between us. I have this blog and this one which have turned into vehicles for empowerment, advocacy, and most importantly, have put me in touch with some kick *ss amazing, phenomenal women.
I have two little embryos that I hope are growing inside me as I type. Tune in Thursday for the first Beta.
And for that, I am thankful.
6 comments:
I think about the pieces of my world that you inhabit and selfishly say thank you for being here 20 years later because it would be like opening that 120 Crayola crayons box and finding the tangerine-yellow missing. It's a single colour, yes, but without it, the rest of the crayons don't stand right. And you can't draw this one version of the sun. So if you're ever wondering what these last 20 years were about, they were about filling in the crayon box, giving the other crayons support. Just being you.
first let me say 20 years cancer free is fantastic. i don't know you except through your blog and I can say that your words and thoughts have often gave me food for thought and helped me too...it seems to me that by sharing what you've gone through and are going through in this one aspect of your life you are going beyond yourself.
still keeping fingers and toes crossed for you and the two embryos.
While I don't "get it" firsthand (your deep sadness), I do understand a reevaluation of one's life brought on by a milestone.
I bet you have left a trail of goodness just by living an honorable life. You really never know what affect one act of kindness -- which you do daily on your blogs, nevermind your real life -- has on the world.
May you see yourself the way others see you. I think your sadness would then be vanquished. Because darlin, you are something special. I can see that, and I can be pretty dense.
I hope to hear wonderful news on Thursday.
What Lori said.
I think it is human nature to wonder if we have made enough of our lives. In better moments, I am just happy to be alive and enjoy a Spring day. In other moments I wonder if anything would be enough.
Congrats on 20 years! I bet there are many, many people who are happy that you are just you and in their lives.
Wishing good thoughts for your embryos!
Yeah, what Mel and Lori said!
I'm sure your dear hubby is glad you are still hear and that you have made his world a better place. Milestones make us question ourselves - that is why they are so valuable. I'm certain there is much you have contributed to this world, and likely much more to come.
Hoping for excellent news for you soon.
just thinking of you and hoping for good news tomorrow.
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