I did it to myself.
If I hadn't crawled back into bed this morning after pilates class, I never would have fallen into a deep sleep that produced this hum dinger of a dream....
Hanging out with hubby in an examination room at the RE. Doc comes in and I suddenly realize that instead of a fully anesthetized semi-surgical procedure that I was expecting, there was a last minute change and the doc's gonna go up in there with no sedation, no numbing, not even a local.
"It'll only take a minute or two."
"Yeah, no it won't because it's not happening."
I take this moment as the moment to freak the F out about everything and anything that's been happening and not happening on this journey.
Nurse hugs me, hands me 2 aspirin and then starts giving me instructions on how to examine my stool in the mornings.
Huh?
"Well, yes. This is the new method we've been using to determine depression. You see, we've found that sometimes this process makes people a little sad."
You don't say.
Meanwhile, I notice that doc is still here, preparing what looks like yards and yards of tubing and other apparatus that it seems will be getting up close and personal with me sooner than later.
Oh hell no.
This is where I call to mind every expletive I own (and believe me, my repetoire is vast, spanning several languages) and end it with a resounding, "F*CK THIS BABY SHIT! JUST F*CK IT!!!"
and I wake myself up with a sob/gasp/shout.
D*mn. That was rough. In real life, the plan for a hysteroscopy actually has changed to a less intrusive (they say) and much less costly (they say) procedure. This happened last week when my doctor realized I was private pay. Ok. Thanks, I appreciate that. But frankly, I was looking forward to sedation. I am guessing that is not part of the plan for this new direction, hence the apprehension so apparent in my early morning dream.
Since their decision, I've been going on a week's worth of phone tag with my Nurse and financial advisor, so, no meds yet, no projected date for anything.
And I turn 34 on Friday.
F*ck.
Unlike last year, this one snuck up on me. No big plans, no band to usher in a new year. I think I could probably rally the troops and pull together a decent bash. I'm just wondering if I want to.
34.
How does that happen?
8 comments:
I have to say, of all the dreamers I know, you have the most revealing ones.
Happy 34th birthday. Your Christ year (as I've heard it called) is almost over.
Hey, you can still get in under the wire (with me) before "advanced maternal age" officially sets in.
Good luck getting things set up for next steps. Talk to you soon,
Sarah
You're in a good place, plenty of time left, don't worry. 34 is "young" to your RE, I bet.
Enjoy your b-day!
The hysteroscope isn't so bad.
34 is young...and in the IVF/DE world it's like being a teenager!
happy almost bday.
Ah, 35 just sneaked up on me as well... I don't know how it happens, I just know that the alternative to getting older isn't one I would care to explore just at the moment. Ha!
BTW - love the nightmare - good one. I like it that you can swear in your dreams. I have epic length dreams, and very vivid, but I can't remember swearing! I'll have to try that.
happy birthday lady!
Hey, happy belated birthday. I hope it ended up being a good one. Except for the infertility stuff, 34 hasn't been too bad for me. ;)
BTW, I almost passed out too during my HSG. I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or vomit or what. I think that if things aren't "normal" your body stops and goes WTF, BITCH?!
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