Monday, June 16, 2008

Am I a Weenie?

If the comments on the NY Times article starring the beautiful and brave Pamela Jeanne make me cry?

Because they do.

Part of me is compelled to speak. To add my voice to the din. The rest of me wants nothing to do with the conversation. Wants nothing to do with this "lifestyle choice" called infertility and the drama and the angst and the anger it creates. Not to mention hostility. Since when was wanting to have a child an offensive and egregious act of selfishness? Since when was adoption this simple, cheap and only morally correct way to build a family? And more importantly, why is medical intervention absolutely applauded in every other aspect of our bodies and our lives.

Except this one?


I am just trying to make a baby without no drama.

Well, why don't you just adopt?
-I am an adoptee and I don't want to adopt. I just don't want to.

Well, why did you wait so long to try to have a child?
I didn't wait. I waited until medical technology caught up with and was able to deal with the fact that my ovaries and eggs were destroyed by medical technology 20 years ago. So, unless you wanted me to try to pop some kiddies out at age 12, (which would have brought out a whole different set of condemnations) waiting ain't the issue.

How can you mourn/be sad/bitch about something you never had?
-How can one ask such a ridiculous question? We ALL mourn things that we don't or can't "have." And define "never had." Ask when life begins and you will receive very, very different answers from different individuals. To judge when and how someone should mourn is almost as offensive as judging their desire to be a parent and the path they choose to take.

We could all add to this list. It goes on and on and on. And you know what? For every query or accusation that is thrown my way or in the direction of another woman wanting to conceive, we have answers. A response.

I wish someone would grant us the same courtesy.


Kami said...

Amen sister!

I almost commented several times myself. If it is so easy to adopt, why has it been so hard for me to accept DE? More importantly, why didn't I realize how hard it would be until I was actually confronted with it?

Compassion seems to be a very limited commodity.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

You are most definitely NOT a weenie.

I kind of think that people who make such judgments (about infertiles or about any other situation not experienced firsthand) will, in some form, get to experience it.

Maybe karma, maybe reincarnation, maybe something I can't even fathom.

It is, I believe, the only way to experience Oneness -- to see something from all perspectives and release all judgments.

Smiling said...

You are not a weenie - I mean you survived cancer and infertility - that is double not-a-weenie points.

I clicked over and read a bit - Yikes. It really hurt. I am fine with a few flammers here and there, but it seem like dozens of everyday of people who don't get it.

Keep sharing your voice where you feel safe doing so. I don't think the people who need to hear it on that comments page are in any place to hear it at the moment.

Pamela T. said...

Thanks, honey, for the sweet words. You are in no way shape or form a weenie. There are simply some people on this planet who have a long way to go when it comes to having a heart or developing some empathy. Don't let the ignorant comments get you down. For every bad one I've gotten at last one or more good comments or emails coming in privately...the good will is outnumbering the ill will. (And we have each other!)

nancy said...

I felt the same way about so many of those comments. It just makes me sad that there are so many ignorant people out there.

stacyb said...

you are not a weenie, not even a teenie weenie bit. sorry. couldn't help myself...

i think that there are a lot of people who are just not able, for whatever the reason, to have empathy/sympathy. luckily there are many others who do.

Two Shorten the Road said...

I love how people who have no idea what they're talking about toss out the "why don't you just adopt" thing. Because adoption is SO easy, right? It doesn't take years and tens of thousands of dollars and repeated rejections and dashed hopes again and again. Adoption is not the easy answer. There is no easy answer for us.

I want those asshat commenters on the NYTimes site to get hit by the karma bus, hard.

Kristin said...

I'm here from Mel's extravaganza...

There is nothing easy about infertility. Treatment isn't easy. Not getting treatment isn't easy. Adopting or not adopting isn't easy. Surrogacy isn't easy. I wish those commenters (or any of the irl commenters we have all met) would get a clue.