Monday, February 16, 2009

I Don't Want to Talk About It

One of the problems with having such a wonderful circle of support in real life that are used to being pretty well informed is just that. There is an expectation to keep everybody in the loop.

And I have been feeling very quiet these days. Protective. Not all that willing to share. Because there's not a whole helluva lot of good news, ok? And we are still in that place where if you wake up and can sense that today might be an ok, maybe even good day, you just don't want to do a damn thing to jinx it. Or shift it. Or alter that very, very precarious wind of emotion that you know could easily shift on its own, without prompting.

I've already mentioned that the one thing that I used to have going for me, a clean and clear uterus, is no longer that thing. So there is surgery scheduled this month. And it could be no big deal. Or it could be a very big (you may not be able to get pregnant again. Ever) big fucking deal.

And there is no way of knowing until we get there.

And yes, I have already ruined my own day just talking about it.

Retained tissue and/or scarring from a D&C. Typical after-effects of a missed miscarriage, pre-term delivery, or abortion. None of which I ever, ever wanted.

Surgery could remove the placental tissue. A dose of estrogen could heal the lining. We could be off to the races as early as another month. Or it could find my uterine walls have fused together with scarring, which can also be cut apart, might heal. And may also grow back together again. Meaning the words get uttered, you may want to discuss a gestational carrier in the future.....

And listen, I am so excited for so many of my blogger friends who are on that route now. But I don't have the luxury of thinking about a piece of me growing in someone else. I don't have the comfort of knowing that I would still be a very big part of the equation. I don't have that. Being able to carry my baby, to nurture it with my body, soothed me and made donor eggs so much more palatable. No, it wouldn't be my eggs, but I would still be there.

I am not ready to no longer be a piece of the equation. Someone else's eggs, growing in someone else's body. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing for me to hold on to. This is not a conversation I can have with myself. Not one that my husband can bear. Not yet.

We are trying to stay positive, and on most days, are pretty successful (or at least fake it pretty well). But talking about these things out loud brings back more emotions than we can navigate sanely. Anger, grief, love, frustration, hurt. Hurt. Mostly, it hurts.

And does it help to wrap it tight. Shove it in a little space in the back of my mind and not let it out? Yes. As a matter of fact, it does. So, please, just for now, please let me.

It is not my intention to shut people out, or be ungrateful for love. Or to try and hide what it happening. I am just trying to get through to the next point. And if I start to talk about the what ifs, I can't breathe. I simply can't breathe.


30 comments:

Brenna said...

I'm so sorry. I understand the need for silence at times, and I'm sure all of your friends will respect that. I'm holding you in my thoughts and hoping that surgery turns out to be a successful course of action for you all. Hugs~

Bluebird said...

I am so, so sorry. Your feelings make complete and total sense - I'm just sorry that you have a reason to have these feelings! You're at a hard point, and I can't even imagine. I think its great that you know what you need and try to listen to yourself, whether that be talking or silence. Just remember that there are so many of us who care and who are here to listen if you want to talk. ((Hugs)) sweetie.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry. When you keep getting kicked in the teeth, it's hard to keep standing up.

And it does seem like everyone is getting pregnant again.

Monique said...

I am so sorry. You do what you need to do to get through each day.

luna said...

i totally know what you mean about not being able to talk about it, not wanting to jinx anything, not being able to breathe until you know what is going to happen. I have a hard time sharing those things at that stage too. too much uncertainty makes it difficult to ponder so it immobilizes. that's the fear...

you do what you need to do. no need to think so many steps ahead yet. one day at a time.

just remember to breathe. deep belly breaths, in and through your nose. repeat.

PVED Mom said...

Hi - I can imagine how worried you might be at this juncture -- especially when there's no much up in the air.

I like yourself tend to be quiet and protective when things aren't great with me -- regardless of the reason. I think it's natural. Your feelings are right on, I just wish I could hug you.

As a mother via egg donation myself I get where you are coming from -- and when you are ready to have that conversation with your spouse about your feelings about gestational carriers you will.

I wish I had your email I'd love to email you off blog. Feel free to email me if you'd like:
marna@parentsviaeggdonation.org

Take care -- and know I am rooting for you!

~Hollie said...

You just take care of yourself. Lots of love and prayers.

Michelle said...

My thoughts are with you and your husband as you try to make sense of it all; the journey you have been on and the paths that lie ahead whatever they may be. take care of yourself ok?

Mo and Will said...

m,

makes perfect and complete sense to me. i hope that you can have the surgery soon and be reassured. Till then, try not to spend too much time in the total panic/fear of "what if" place. It's too painful. There will be time to go there later if you need to.

Thinking of you.

Mo

Anonymous said...

you have every right to hold it close. it's yours and m's. not gonna ask until you tell me to. you know i have your back no matter what. and that's enough for now.
xoxoxo. L.

Lori said...

It is a very, very, very hard thing to come to terms with, especially after the road you've already traveled.

It can take the breath right out of you.

We are here. When you are ready to talk. Or not.

Foreverloves said...

I just started reading your blog after finding it through others and remarking at the sad similiarities to our stories. My twins were lost at 21 weeks 0 days, almost the same time and under similar circumstances (preterm labor, probable infection, which came first? who knows). I guess I was 'blessed' that everything went so smoothly in terms of the labor and such, and I was able to conceive again (through the use of frozen embryos and IVF) so yes, I am pregnant now, which you may not find comforting or may prevent you from reading about me.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer concern and support for your own situation, and profound sadness at your terrible loss.

Amy said...

Oh, m. I'm so sorry. We're here when you want to talk, and here when you don't. I imagine your real-life circle is willing to be there in the same way. Take care of yourself.

Dani819 said...

Of course- talking can be healing, but so can silence. There are days when I can only let new information in for a second at a time, because that's all the strength I have to cope with it. Whatever you need to do to get through this part, we will all still be here.

dana said...

Not only am I so incredibly sorry for what y'all are going thru but I'm pissed that you're feeling like maybe you have to justify your feelings and/or the way you & M are handling things right now. You (and M) do whatever it is y'all have to do to make it thru the next hour, day, week, month. No one else matters right now. They'll be there when you're ready. And so will we.

Hugs.

Kami said...

I am in full support of shutting it out for a bit. If you can't be hopeful, go for neutral. If you can't think about it without worrying then don't think about it.

I will be holding you in my thoughts.

nutmeg96 said...

When is your surgery? I hope from the bottom of my heart that it turns out to be easily fixable and you are off and running again. XOXO

nancy said...

I know the outcome of the surgery is scary. But do remember I had 70% of my uterus sealed shut with scar tissue from a horrendous previous pregnancy. Ittook surgeries, but I'm proof it can be fixed. So don't hear any results and immediately feel hopeless, okay? Feel pissed, but not hopeless.

Skerry said...

I still keep you & M in my thoughts and prayers. I hope with all that I am that your surgery is successful.

Audrey said...

This post resonates so much for me. I am normally so silent that I just lurk. Ironically, your post about silence encouraged me to break mine. In friendship and deep respect...

Coming2Terms said...

Sorry that you're facing such a painful and difficult set of decisions and emotions...it's understandable why you'd want to tuck it away and not dwell on it.

Life in Eden said...

Oh m, sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Brenna said...

Hi, I'm back to post that I nominated you for an Honest Scraps award because your writing is very much from-the-heart. Hope you're getting the chance to take the quiet time you need.

stacyb said...

when you want to let it out we will be here.

chicklet said...

I'm doing the same, and people are asking questions. But I just don't feel like opening it up to everybody, to having them in my business, to even hearing opinions cuz I don't want them. I just need to sort through it myself first. It's so hard when they keep asking and you keep just thinking NO NO NO, I DON'T want to talk about it!

Mo and Will said...

you hanging in ok? thinking about you.

mo

onwardandsideways said...

Take care of yourself, my dear. May you find your way soon. Or whenever you're ready.

dana said...

thinking of y'all....*hugs* from the ATX.

Sylvia {+ Mark} said...

Been there. Done that. Suffered it. Truth is one day I realized that my uterus was not superior to a birth mothers; blood did not equal mother love; and I was satisfied {elated actually} to never have my legs in stirrups or my hormones jacked up ever again. And it was pretty great to come home from the hospital fully rested raring to go.

You'll get there. When there is nothing else there is always hope.

Just me said...

I'm struggling with this as well... and I'm not even as far along in the process as you are!!!

But I'm generally a 'sharer'. So people expect me to tell them all about where I'm at in this process.

Many, many of my friends have adjusted well, and will ask "How are things going?" leaving it open ended. If I want to talk about it, I can, if not I can give a short, vague answer.

One friend doesn't get it. She asks me VERY specific questions. "What cycle day are you on?" "When is your period due?" "Are you having a procedure this month?" To add insult to injury, she is 12 weeks pregnant herself, and it's pretty much 95% of what she talks about...

This IF process drags so much, and it makes me want to curl up in my bed and not talk to anyone. I certainly don't need people prodding for info when it's the last thing I want to give... I'm just not sure how to tactfully express that feeling to them.

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