Monday, February 2, 2009

Hair Trigger

Just FYI.

Everything today is making me cry. Ask me how I am = I will cry. Give me a hug because you haven't seen me since before Xmas = Tears. Inquire as to what I am listening to on my mp3 player = yep. sniff. snivel. Really doesn't matter. If I have to open my mouth, my tearducts respond. Sh*t. Keep it together, girl. I really didn't wake up this way. It just happened. It just happens.

And you know what is worse? What can possible be worse than feeling like you want to scream/cry/shout/lash out/throw something? Seeing your partner in the same predicament. This is what breaks my heart.

M is a mess. At least he was this morning. As usual, I couldn't determine if it was work/life/missing girls or a combination. Even before the days of attempted babymaking, M would get a little pocket of frustration/ennui and the like that we would have to deal with every few months or so - I am pretty sure I've talked about this before. So its not a new phenomenon. But it is harder now. Much harder. He often beats himself up because he feels like the job he is in does not coincide with where he should be, or where he thinks people think he should be given his education, opportunities, etc.

He often forgets that neither of us chose a straight career path. We spent the last decade doing pretty much what the f*ck we wanted. We avoided 9-5 jobs. Defiantly so. I happened to fall into my current job. M took a while longer, only currently figuring out a way to get paid for the things he does so well. So, no, neither of us are lighting the world on fire with our career trajectory. We're getting there, but we're a little late. M. is now trying to come to grips with the fact that he is one of the older members of his team (in an industry that skews pretty young, if you ask me). He plagues himself with this idea that he should be more ambitious, should care, should see work as more than something you have to do to get health insurance. He thinks he should be someplace else.

I asked, as I often do, tell me then about this mythical position that you think you should have. Tell me what you think you should be doing.

"I think I should be a father."

And after I caught my breathe I responded. Yes. Yes I do too.

12 comments:

Bluebird said...

Oh my - way to tug at my heart :) I can only imagine standing in your shoes and hearing such sweet but heartbreaking words. Its so hard to concentrate on things like work when the one thing we really want is out of our reach. I'm so sorry you're both going through this. But how beautiful is his honesty and the fact that you're going through this together. That has to count for something - right?! ;) ((Hugs)) to you both.

Dani819 said...

Now I'm tearing up. In the rare moments when I'm not grieving my own loss, I look over at my husband, and I am just so sorry for HIS loss.

M sounds like a real keeper.

Mrs. Spit said...

Hugs.

Brenna said...

At least now you have a whole bunch of us tearing up with you! I can relate--my husband recently told me that it's really all he wants in life, to be someone's daddy. Lots of love to you and M~hopefully we all get there!

Duck said...

hugs to you today. So hard to deal with all of it, but, it's great that you are there for each other. THe hell with normal career paths (I too get fustrated at times with this - I went to uni for a decade, I should get paid more than an auto worker) then I remember, age is in my head, and no one else's

Barbara said...

Looks like we're all shedding some tears here.

I SO want Ray to be a daddy, sometimes even more than I want mummyhood for myself.

As for careers? I fell into my job and now I'm happily falling out of it and looking forward to the next step. Ray does what he likes doing, until he doesn't like it and then he'll do something else! We're far from rich but we're so much happier this way! But then again we don't have to pay for healthcare...

Thinking of you and M.

xxx

ezra'smommy said...

Some days are just crying days. I have mine too. I agree, it breaks my heart all over again that my husband is as sad and sorrowful as I am.

Cara said...

Hey! Just catching up on your posts. I am so moved by your quest to say / write the right thing after loss, yet even we- the people who KNOW what we want THEM to say, can't figure it out.

And yes - you both should be parenting. Instead you are both grieving. (sigh)

nancy said...

Wow. That kind of a comment even made me cry - while I was trying to think of something I could comment with that wouldn't make you cry (I was thinking of mentioning toe-jam). And then you end with that. ~hugs~tears~hugs~

Chhandita said...

((hugs))) sweetheart....I can understand how your DH must feel...my DH is the same, emotionaly as well as career wise...Our guys deserve to be daddys..and they will be.

JP said...

I hope for both of you that M gets to have that sooner rather than later. Hugs.

Amy said...

That just makes me cry. Yes, he should be a father. It's not fair. He should have two beautiful little girls, and I'm so sorry that he doesn't. That you don't. All of my heart aches for both of you.

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