Friday, April 17, 2009

Spring Sucks Ass

How DARE everyone be so fucking happy and cheery. I want to kick your stroller. And your dog. What nerve of the sun to shine NOW, after leaving us wallowing in darkness for months? I needed you weeks ago, not now. The cherry blossoms aren't making me smile. They make me want to weep because they remind me of the trees we planted for my dead girls. My husband broke down into sobs last night for no reason. Yet somehow all you fucking happy people are busy getting giddy over the weather. Fuck you.

And while I'm at it.

Fuck my dirty apartment and the fact it is making me crazy fuck the pile of work in front on me and my filthy kitchen and the fact I can't decide which matter is more pressing fuck the weight on my husband's shoulders which a massage unknowingly dislodged and fuck the raw pain and sadness that was unearthed fuck the sweatpants I still haven't changed out of fuck my still-flabby gut with a hollow inside. Fuck the words I don't have to make M. better. Just fuck it.

23 comments:

Sue said...

I'm sorry. I wish I could come over to clean your apartment and give you a hug.

Mer said...

I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. My wish for you is simply that one day this gets even a fraction easier.

ezra'smommy said...

Amen sister. I'm laughing because I could have written this myself, and otherwise I'd cry. Fuck it all.

Anonymous said...

fuck everyone and fuck everything. sometimes rage is better than sadness. well, most times actually.

~Hollie said...

I hate to see you in such pain. But I'm glad that you have this avenue to vent your frustrations and hopefully receive some great support. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Peace to you, my friend.

Lori said...

You should come here today. It's cold, snowy, dark, bleh.

I would make you some hot cocoa and talk with you about kicking strollers. One way or another, we would end up laughing. Not necessarily from happiness -- maybe from sheer snarkiness -- but laughing somehow.

Oh, and out of respect for you, I would also wear sweatpants. Instead of the usual designer suit, pearls and heels I'm usually in. Because I'm that kind of friend.

XOXO, M

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Sometimes saying fuck it all is the only way to get through. Thinking of you and M.

Cara said...

Rant it...nature doesn't deserve a break either.

annacyclopedia said...

Abiding with you, and keeping you and your husband in my thoughts today.

angie said...

Oh my goodness, I just came inside from raking because it is too happy out there, and I need my fortress of solitude. Is it wrong that this made me laugh? I am along with you on the Fuck you to the universe rant. Still, sending you a ((hug)), or a shin to kick, whichever you might need.

Barbara said...

I want to kick the woman pushing the stroller...

Yup. Sometimes all that is left is "fuck it all"

xxx

Amy said...

I'm here and I'm listening. I wish I could do something more.

Ryan's Mommy said...

Nothing much to say to that, except that I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of you. You'll be in my thoughts.

Sarah said...

You said it all to well!

jaded said...

i am in the same 'fuck everything' mood. i am sorry you are feeling this way, but feel better knowing you are not alone!

musicmakermomma said...

Sorry you are in this bad place. I hope things get better for you both, my heart hurts for you missing your girls.

Smiling said...

so so sorry. Thanks for trusting us with your anger and pain as horrid and huge as it sounds like it is.

It isn't spring here if that is any minor consolation... definitely headed toward winter down here, heads down black coats donned preparing for the blast of antartic winds

chicklet said...

Ugh, I so get this. I think I wrote this a few times myself - the fuck this, that, and everything post. What you've been through is just too fucking unfair.

Kami said...

Yes. If there was any grace, the world would stop until you could appreciate it again.

Fuck it all.

Bluebird said...

Yes. All of it.

areyoukiddingme said...

I'm sorry. Spring does suck this year.

What IF? said...

The pain and rage is so raw, and I admire you for channeling it through this post. I'm with Sue - I wish I could come over and help clean your apartment, because it's better than feeling helpless and just commenting while you're struggling with so much pain. I do hope it gets better. *hug*

April said...

I think of you often and am so sorry. Yes - fuck it all.

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