Thursday, May 28, 2009

To the Beach, Bo-oy!

So, in a few hours I will saunter down to the train station and make my way to the next crossroads in this adventure - does she or does she not have a busted endometrium?

Feeling much calmer about it all since my post last week. Thanks to conversations with many of you and the belief that my RE really does have some more tricks up her sleeve, and a vested interest in our success. Even if today blows, it does not have to be the end of the road. That is what I am telling myself. Not fooling myself, but not freaking myself out yet either. Because what is the point of that?

That isn't to say that I didn't go grab a last minute acupuncture session last night. Damn! Has it been that long? Did I get soft? After the 3rd or 4th jab I finally said something offhand to my acupuncturist about the stabs, which I was noticing a LOT more than usual. And she confessed that I was "bringing out the little old chinese lady in the redhead today" and she had decided to be a little more aggressive with the points and the needles. Jeez. Ok. Whatever works.

I can never tell where my mind is going to wander when I'm lying on the table. Some days I try to be really, really mindful and do deep breathing exercises or repeat some mantras. (I am really, truly sucky at meditations. The best I can do is visualizations. not the same thing, but an exercise nonetheless). Yesterday, I decided to just chill. Just Be. And I was rewarded with just an amazing technicolor experience - all kinds of mental images of me with a big belly floating through my brain. Big posing for belly shots. Big waddling down the boardwalk. Big in a big mumu dress that M would hate. It was delicious.

My belly never got that big.

But it was in my mind yesterday evening. And rather than get all slumpy and sad about the what is in my head vs. what IS, I decided to just enjoy it. Just enjoy the show.

I wonder if the images were aided by the fact that I am feeling quite bloated, my belly distended. I can see that my face and my body are far rounder than usual and although I did have potato chips for lunch a few days last weekend, I don't think I ingested enough to justify the gain. It has to be the estrogen, right? My belly is tender and slightly achy. Similar to how I have felt in previous cycles. Again, seeing it as a good sign.

And my acupuncturist felt a kidney pulse in both of my wrists. Good, right?

All of this to say, this week has felt different than last week. We'll see what any of that is worth.

Once the appointment is over, I'm meeting M. (not sure where yet) after work and we are making our way down to the beach to see my parents and take some time off. Just a long weekend, but just the thought of it has had us sufficiently distracted. So, its already been worth it. We loaded up the car this morning with the kayaks, our coffee mugs, some clothes, extra pillows (because my mom's beds are horribly uncomfortable, y'all) and a bag heavy with books and CDs from the library. You would think we were going on a damn excursion. But no. Just a few hours down the road. For less than 72 hours.

I can't wait to stuff my bloated self into a bathing suit. I'm not even being sarcastic.

I already know what appetizers I am going to order from which restaurants and which arcade will see my quarters. I can feel the sand scratching my feet stuck in my sandals and I can smell the vinegar from the fries we will order once M. finally caves in and realizes he can't possibly make it through the weekend without them. Oh you know the ones.

I can hear the crappy band(s) we'll probably end up seeing and sense that they don't matter because what matters is that we are on a deck and I'm sleepy from too much sun (but trying to rally because I won't admit that I am getting older) and my skin is tight and my hair is wild and fun from the salt air and we'll probably have to tiptoe in when we get home because my parents will be sleeping so before we do we'll have a last beer on the porch and reminisce about the day and about the time that M. ran their golf cart into the neighbor's house (sorry, Aunt Bonnie) and know that even if things are shitty today, they will be ok.


April said...

I believe that for you - that things will be okay. Soak up the salt and sun and just be. Enjoy!

lostintranslation said...

I'm glad you are trying to be upbeat about what's to come. The beach get-away sounds great! Enjoy it!

Bluebird said...

Oh my goodness I can't imagine a more perfect weekend. I'm so jealous of - I mean happy for! - you. You made me long to be there too . . . can I come with!?!!

And thanks for sharing about your amazing technicolor experience :) I can't imagine what I'd look like really and truly big, and I never allow myself to think about it - maybe it'd be a little fun to day dream, though, huh? :)

Enjoy, dear friend!

Kami said...

I smiled as I read this post. Those are some beautiful images of your big belly!

Enjoy your time at the beach. I think water can be very healing.

Finally, may you get nothing but good news today.

annacyclopedia said...

Hope your weekend is blissful and that the appointment went well today.

Amy said...

I do know those fries. Eat some for me, and take good care of you and M.

Anonymous said...

OMG r u gonna see Love Seed Mama Jump

Sarah said...

Ha ha. I've been thinking beach thoughts since January. So glad to hear you are headed there. You've been in my dreams this week. Have a wonderful weekend.

jill said...

Great description! I hope you both have a wonderful weekend :)

Anonymous said...

Sounds lovely - enjoy!

Cara said...

Hope you had a wonderfully relaxing time...

Nadine said...

Enjoy the beach, and I'm always here if you need me!