Saturday, May 30, 2009

Measuring Heartache

  • lining measured a whopping 4.9 on Thursday. A whole .2 mm more. How about that.
  • My estrogen level is above 2000. Off the charts. So, its not a matter of my body not ingesting the estrogen. It's a matter of my endometrium simply failing to comply.
  • lining is neither thick nor trilaminar - the 2 things you shoot for for a successful cycle. There are little white spots on the ultrasound which indicate little pieces of scarring. So, 0 for 2 with a little extra punch in the gut. Things don't look good.
  • what now? this officially turns into a mock cycle with 10 days of progesterone (shots and suppositories, hey!) leading up to an endometrial biopsy around June 11.
  • if, despite everything, the lining is "in phase," we will move towards an FET. If it is not, we will not. There would be no point.

But we're here. At the beach. Managing to eke out a few smiles and laughs over the heartache that really has just become a familiar part of our lives. It is not going to go away, so we might as well acknowledge it. Yes, yes, I see you. You're right there. How could we miss you? And then take things from there.

Comment from M. on the beach after we dodge seagulls that have gathered behind us because a little boy thought throwing his french fries to them was funny (discarded french fries! blasphemy!) and a big rubber ball that came loping down the sand from a game played by another bunch of young 'uns:

"You know, truth be told, I actually liked kids a lot less before. Now I can actually tolerate them. Well, not tolerate them, but I don't hate them. I know some of your friends have trouble seeing kids these days. For me, it's kind of the opposite."

Are you telling me that your kid aversion was really sour grapes?

"Yes. I hated them because I didn't think we could ever have them. But we did. We do."

9 comments:

jill said...

And he's right, you do. I'm just so sorry they can't be here with you :(

Sad to hear about your lining. I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts and *hugs*.

Duck said...

I loved kids, and worked with them for a long time in my life, but, when the reality that is the super infertile, I didn't want to be around them (or more specifically I didn't want to be around their mothers - the kids I was fine with - but the mothers I had a problem with). some days are better than others.
0.2 growth is better than nothing - perhaps scar removal and another go with the dreaded vi*gra? let me know if you go that route and we can swap stories. hugs to you.

Monique said...

It does go with you everywhere, doesn't it? Hoping you both have some good times at the beach (and wishing I was near one myself...)

Smiling said...

its funny how this changes how we perceive the kids running around and sometimes into us when we are out and about.

I'm off for a beach day myself. Take care and so sorry to hear that the estrogen isn't working its magic

musicmakermomma said...

Sorry you got such depressing news at the appt. Maybe they will find out something helpful from the biopsy - maybe this is just a bad month for your endometrium! Back when I had regular periods (G-d it has been so long since I just cycled normally instead of with pills and shots being part of it!) I'd have very different flow each month, so maybe some of those linings were better suited to baby hosting than others...

Glad you have some time on the beach to unwind. I love the ocean, we are far from it but just the endlessness of it is so calming, my insignificance comforts me in a way. Hope you find some peace there.

Barbara said...

Bah... crap... shit ... etc

Wishing for better days for you two, lots of better days.

xxx

Mick said...

I'm not going to pretend that I understood a word of the medical part, but the rest I understood perfectly. Thinking about you two...

Kami said...

M is just amazing, but I suspect you know that.

I am very sorry about the news. I just can't believe that. How? Why? I hope you learn something, fix something, or whatever and you are able to get this FET to work.

Bluebird said...

Ah. Beautiful comment from M. And I definitely see truth in it. Perhaps it's bittersweet, for me. Bitter, for obvious reasons. But sweet, because I have been exposed to this huge wonderful capacity to love that I really never understood or appreciated before our babies. I "get it" now. Thank you for sharing.

And I'm sorry for the rest :(

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