Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Where I Get Totally Vulgar

So, as of about 2 weeks ago, I can now "run" 5K and not feel like I'm going to die.

Run is in quotes because if you saw me, it would probably look more like a shuffle. And I'm still pretty shy about it so I choose a less-traveled path which this week has become an obstacle course of goose poop and hissing daddy geese (sorry, sorry. yes I see your babies there no I'm not going to shuffle on them. relax! please!) And when I say 5K it is probably more truthful to say that I run 2.5K, stop, say hi to Isa's and Jovi's trees. Touch them, pant on them, walk around for a few seconds and then run the 2.5K home.

I love having a reason to see the trees. And I really do like the time alone. I wish I had a recorder for my brain on my runs because I think anyone else listening would think I was: a.) hilarious or b.) nuts. We all have our inner voices and the one that seems to work best for me running is one that encourages, teases, threatens, negotiates, yells back and then resigns itself to keep going. It always has to be a combination. I don't do well with people telling me what to do, even if that person is myself.

One of the things I do while running is compose blog posts in my head. I usually "write" a couple on a run (me: think fast. run slow. except, of course, when being chased by geese.) You can imagine my disappointment when I get home and the screen is blank. Sometimes I actually could have sworn I wrote something. But no. That was just me talking to myself again. Which, in hindsight, is probably better for all of us sometimes.

But this is something I have to share. I can't hold it in.

This weekend, I had the craziest dream. I know I've said that before but this time I mean it.

In my dream, I was waiting to talk with a new specialist at the hospital about our next attempt at babymaking. She was young and pretty and looked pretty sharp. She brought me in and said, "just hang on for a minute," she said. "I have a call into a specialist. A proctologist"


"Yes, well, we've already tried gearing up your p*ssy and that hasn't gone very well has it? Might as well see if we have any better luck with your ass."

Yes. I swear.to.god. that's what she said. P word and all.

And I was left sputtering and speechless and then I woke up and started to laugh.

And my husband thought I was crazy (and I haven't even told him the dream yet) so I went for a run.


ezra'smommy said...

thank you for just making me laugh out loud in the middle of my work day! hilarious!

Bluebird said...

Love it love it love it love it!

Mostly because
a) Crack me up re wanting a recorder in your head, and the hilarious vs nuts debate. Been there :)

b) I also hate being told what to do even by myself (?!?)

c) I love our trees and totally relate

d) I also write blog posts in my head. Usually I consider them rather genius :), so go figure when they don't get typed out that way, right?!?!

But, um . . .yeah. The dream. You're on your own there, friend!

Jill said...

Two things:

1. Good for you! I don't run. at all. ever.


annacyclopedia said...

Um, M? I love you! That is the funniest dream ever, and I love you because you just laid it all out here, p-word and all. So indescribably awesome.

jill said...

Hi there :) I don't think I've ever commented before but I've been reading for a couple months now.

I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS! on being able to run a 5k. Even if it is just a shuffle - hehe. That is awesome - such a great accomplishment - and to push through being injured as well! You should be so proud of yourself :) Running a 5k is my goal. I've been doing a similar program (to the one you found in your book) and am almost 2 months in.

Thanks for giving me some inspiration to keep at it!

Mo said...


re: your dream...

I am SHOCKED, just shocked!! and you insinuated vulger language in the comments section of my blog too. What has come over you?! : )


Barbara said...

So funny and yes indeed, totally vulgar!

I'm inspired. One day I'll blog about the porno dream I had when I was pregnant... maybe.


Smiling said...

that is hillarious!

Yeah, my head says some funny thing to me in my dreams and while running.

Two Shorten the Road said...

OMG. Hilarious!

Cara said...

Ha! This is a classic..."you know you are a blogger when..." post!!!

too funny - but hey, whatever works, right?

chicklet said...

That's hilarious!!!!

And on the running, I shuffle too. Whatever, at least we're out and doing it! Pat yourself on the back miss 5k!!!

FET Accompli said...

That's hilarious!! Too funny!

Skerry said...

Congratulations on your shuffle.:) I continue to think of you often and keep you in my prayers.

still life angie said...

terrifying and hilarious. i would be very nervous at my next doctor's appointment.

(you are a rock star with the 5k.)

Anonymous said...

I love dreams, especially vulgar ones. Good on you for the 5K no matter how you do it.