Tuesday, August 9, 2011

back on the grid

Right now, I'm in St. Louis pretending to be an executive. I'm getting wined and dined by vendors and dutifully attending sessions on Board ethics, improving non dues revenue and all kinds of topics around "Innovation!" Innovation, it seems, is always followed by an exclamation point. Innovation! Can't you just feel the excitement!

This time last week, M and I were running around the streets of Sydney pretending to be Neo from The Matrix closing up almost three weeks wandering through a new country where we remembered how much we love being in motion, being together. We had the use of an old station wagon and someone's camping gear and it was amazing to see how easily we fell back into our old travel routines. M drives. I navigate. We break down the tent. I fold. He packs...In between there and here, there was a kickball game and about 48 hours spent in close proximity to my own bed.

I think its finally catching up with me. Because a full night of a Beatles tribute band with Boomers drunkenly dancing and whooping it up around me was all it took to send me into an existential crisis.

What the fuck am I doing here? This is not my life. These are not my people.

I never thought I would say this: I have eaten too much free food. I have drank too many free drinks. I feel indebted when I shouldn't have to. The excess and consumption is scraping off layers of my soul.

I have to do lists pages and pages long with ways I can improve how my association works and how I can make my own resume better, my career prospects brighter. I look at them this morning, remember what it feels like to wake up at dawn in a tent by the ocean and want none of it. None of it.

I have so much more to say, but I have to force myself into a session or two this morning and I wanted to let you know I was back on the grid. For now.


Smiling said...

Station wagon, tent, and Australia. Ah that was my August 2001. Sounds like your trip was equally great.

Sorry your return 'home' was to excess and people who are not your people. At least you can see that.. but still it sucks when you are going through the motions and you know you want something different. And you just had something different that was great...

Hang in there -- sometimes after these crises, there is an open door that you can run through. I hope one appears -- that or they start serving beer at the morning sessions:)

TracyOC said...

Welcome back...to your existential crisis, I guess.

Glad to hear you had an excellent trip. Hope to hear more details about it...

Two Shorten the Road said...

I think you and I are similar in that we do well at our jobs and for the most part are ok with them, but we really would rather be creative on a daily basis. I'm still on having that paycheck, but I hope one day to have the guts (and savings) to walk away and just write and explore the world.