Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Sadness

Early this morning, I dreamed that I I had a child. A boy.

In my dream, he was just pushing himself up to stand, perhaps even attempt a step or two for the first time. I looked at a person who was witnessing the event with me and we both just stared in wonder. "Isn't this amazing?" Yes. We both agreed. Amazing. What a wonderful moment.

Later I picked up the little one. He hugged me. Put his head on my shoulder. Called me by my first name. "No, that's mommy," someone corrected. "Mommy," he dutifully repeated. I was heartbroken. Still am.


This gestational surrogacy - it is doing my fucking head in. And we are not even close to starting.

After a long talk, a lot of tears, several attempts at a letter, and some soul searching, we are not going to draft a letter to family and friends to see if anyone wants to come along on this journey with us. We may change our minds, but right now moving forward with an agency seems like the best approach.

A, because of timing. To reach out to family or friends feels like it would prolong this process indefinitely. Because it's their time line, not yours. You can't ask someone to get their medical records in the mail and then be angry with them when its taking a while when hey, they are doing YOU an enormous (understatement) favor. Plus, I am just not sure the average person knows what an IVF pregnancy entails. Why would they? It's not, oh put your baby in me and I will hold it for you and we'll all feel great about it. It's more like, go out of your way to drive to a clinic or lab to have your blood levels monitored before and after a transfer, take lots of drugs and ps, did anyone mention you've just committed to shooting yourself in the ass with inch long needles? For three months? That's the best case scenario. It is a lot to ask (understatement) and I really don't want someone we love to start to hate us and curse us as their butt becomes painfully sore and hormones overtake their senses.

I think we may rather have someone who knows what they're in for and has already said, yes. I can do that. I can handle that. I want to do it.

But now comes the next set of dilemmas. Who to use? What agency to tie your hopes to? I may have mentioned we're working with someone, and they are fine. The first two profiles they shared were meh, but the next one was better, not quite there yet, but closer. And I am hoping they may come ever closer now that we've been a bit more descriptive about what we are looking/hoping for.

We made the mistake last night of wondering, well, who else is out there. What other people/agencies might we contact if this one just can't find a match?

JFC. The choices. They are overwhelming. And vary in price in incomprehensible ways. The fee for a gestational carrier is more or less standard. Shockingly steep, but is it really, considering the task you are asking? And truly, we are resigned to that. But agency fees above and beyond lawyers and setting up escrows and trusts and all the other such that goes with this? Are you really asking me to pay you to speak to you? Before we even select a carrier? And then hand over a five-figure check, before you even offer a single service? I am shocked at what some agencies, particularly those with well-known attorneys at the head, feel they can demand.

And no, we're not even getting into the ethical issues and wondering who is legit and who will break our hearts and put us on the cover of the news and ruin our lives forever.

Because that's a whole other mindfuck.

So, yes, I think we will stay with our little boutique of an agency referred by a friend and see what they can do for us. We may also directly approach one particular family member who has mentioned this in passing before to see if there was any seriousness to the offer. Maybe. Still thinking about that. So, that's where we are.

Meanwhile, I am struggling mightily with anger and bitter and bile and rage. And sadness. Just a terrible sadness.

M has made it clear. He sees no purpose, no function, no point in being if we don't at least TRY. Me, I am so sick and fucking tired of trying. There are not enough expletives to shower this post to say how very, very tired I am of trying.

I would just like all of this to be over and to have a real, live, breathing, healthy baby in my arms. One that someday may even call me mom.


TracyOC said...

I am hoping so very hard that this next try results in that baby boy you dreamt. That's all.

Anonymous said...

I'm so hoping that one day soon you will have just that, a living, breathing gorgeous little baby that calls you mom. It is tiring, but I think it's the kind of tiring that you will look back on with such gratitude that you took it on. I also told DH recently that I need to see the end of this marathon in sight, baby or not, because I just can't anymore. But it isn't true...

On the trust thing. I've recently come to the conclusion that I have to just trust. There will be no guarantees that the people I deal with are above board, but on some level, I have to just trust that the majority of them are doing the best they can. There is no other option.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

May all the doors open effortlessly for you, m.

Abiding with you. Holding you in my heart.

Serenity said...

I never had to deal with agencies and surrogacy - just lots of failures and cycles. And I remember being in that Dark Place myself. It's an awful place to be.

Abiding with you and sending you energy and hope to keep you putting one foot in front of the other. I hope this is the last try, hon.


Ryan's Mommy said...

Standing with you in spirit. I am sorry it's so very, very, hard. But I'm with M on this one. Never give up.

Catherine W said...

Hoping for you so very, very much.

Monique said...

I hope beyond hope everything turns out the way you want. I only want good things for you, my friend. Sending much love & luck.

Sue said...

I hope things get easier soon. I know it's exhausting.

Melissa N. said...

I, for one, think dreams are very powerful. Yes, they might only be projections of what we want, our minds playing mean little pranks on us, like dangling a carrot in front of a horse, but what if it's a projection of the future? I will continue to hope that this is true, because if we lose hope, we lose everything. Don't lose hope. Not yet. Not when your heart and mind knows what's possible and have shown you a glimpse of what's to come. Hugs to you!

Kami said...

Oh, what a beautiful and heartbreaking dream. May that dream become reality so much more easily than you are imagining right now.

My 2 cents . . . put yourself out there and let family and friends know you are looking. Someone might volunteer and be ready and willing - perhaps even eager to help out. In the meantime you look into the agency.

Interestingly, surrogates can't be paid in Washington state. I wonder how they get paid then . . . I suspect they get very nice gifts.

good luck, m

still life angie said...

What a powerful dream. And fuck, those last few paragraphs made me cry. I am just so angry for you, so tired for you. Wish I could give more than love and support, but since it is what I have, know it is coming your way. XO

Hope's Mama said...

Huge lump in my throat reading this. I can only begin to imagine how this all must feel. Like Angie, wish there was more I could do, say or give to you to make this a teeny bit better.
So I send love and hope instead, because that's all I've got. And I figure, you could use all you can get at the moment.

Danielle said...

Oh, Lord- the exhaustion of TRYING instead of HAVING. It is just so draining, having to gear yourself up over and over again for something that, if you're very lucky, will get you a shot at maybe someday having the thing you already should have fucking had. How can the idea of that not be exhausting, let alone the process itself?

I hear you, sister. And in many ways I am right there with you. I will trust for you if you trust for me. And I am still hoping to meet and do that trust exchange in person.

Silver said...

Just want to send you a hug through the ether -it's such a hard, exhausting journey. We needed donor eggs and had the same dilemma as you on asking family - we didn't ask, but spoke about the fact that we needed this and a couple of relatives did offer but sadly they were not suitable. My sister told us she felt she couldn't do it, which was very painful at the time, but I totally understand her reasons and I think it could have caused strains in the family had we taken that route. I hope that you find a place of peace with it all regardless of the path you choose.

Smiling said...

You tagged this sadness, but it is just heartbreaking from my point of view.

May doors open and dreams come true -- and in the mean time beer and friends and other things to help you bid the time and get through the hard days.

Heather said...

Man, I want you to have that baby and to hear him/her call you Mom. It is then that you will realize that all of this shit, all of it, really was worth it.

In the meantime, I am trying to figure out my coworker, just in case. You never know who will be the one.

Heather said...

Ok, the words 'worth it' aren't sitting well with me, but I hope you know what I mean.

jill said...

Those baby/child dreams are so tough. I always walk around in a daze the day after.

I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. I can't even imagine the complexity that comes along with surrogacy choices but I'm wishing you and M luck figuring everything out.

luna said...

oh it is all so overwhelming. wishing you some clarity and peace as you approach the next steps.

and that dream!