Tuesday, November 29, 2011

All the Married Ladies....

That B*yonce, wow, she rubs me the wrong way.

From her sly musings on taking a break and wanting to have a baby in so many magazines to her public announcement at a music awards show (which ruined M's week) to the smugness in which she bares her voluptuous preggo breasts in one of her latest videos.....

Ooooooohhh it just BURNS me!

Not that she's pregnant. I get that. I understand the world procreates around me. It's the assumption that all is preordained. It is this beautiful woman's destiny (as it were) to become a beautiful glowing mother and gift the world with her offspring. Because this is how it should be. And in her case, she appears to be right.

I'm facing a very similar presumptuousness in my personal life. I volunteer with a young woman who's in the midst of planning her wedding. She's being very careful not to overextend herself in the days leading up to her ceremony (smart) and giving everyone a heads up about when she'll be MIA for her honeymoon (practical), but then it extends into - I can't make any promises to do this or that because we'll be popping out babies.

Just like that: I found my man. We're getting married. Of course, the next logical step is to push out some kids. Of course this will happen. Of course it will happen on our timeline. Because we're smart people. We've worked it all out.

The first time this happened, my jaw dropped, I nearly spit out my coffee. I was tempted to try to turn it into some kind of teachable moment (ugh. that phrases oozes condescension) but I didn't want to be condescending, and I didn't want to rain on her parade. At least not that morning.

But it keeps happening. She makes these statements with such assuredness. Such confidence. Ah youth. It's grating. But it's also misinformed.

Or is it? Is it ME being presumptuous that this won't happen for my colleague? Am I the one being self-centered?

Just because donor eggs, IVF, several frozen embryo transfers, a real pregnancy, and at least three beautiful women offering their own wombs to us in this journey has not resulted in a living, breathing child for us....

Doesn't mean young women around the world shouldn't assume that life is as it should be. Sex will be had. Babies will be made.

So what do you think? What would you do? Would you say anything to a colleague who assumes the world goes 'round, women have babies, and hers will come as soon as she wills it so? What would you say? How would you say it?


Nadine said...

Oh yeah, I can't keep my big mouth shut. I have said in the past something along the lines of "hopefully that works for you, but, for lotsof people sex doesn't equal babies.". My husband is the same way, and has been known to say something like "good luck with that" with the eyebrows raised, and he is super nice.
For me, its the same as someone saying that their drunken slob good for nothing husband will suddenly "change". We have the same reaction, good luck with that.

Nadine said...

I finally got around to leaving a comment on the social anxiety post,it's a bit long, but, I have had experiences on Both sides (person with social anxiety and dealing with others anxiety).

Developing the skill to see it coming does help, I know with my mother my response of " I won't feed your anxiety, that is something only you can fix, you can sit here and obsess over it or move on with your life. That's your choice, hurry up and make it, life is getting shorter by the second". Once she figures out that none of us will play her games anymore she does deal with it, and gets better, then relapses and we have to do it all over again. May sound cruel, but, we are helping her become a healthier person.

Anonymous said...

Ugh. People like that make me want to punch them. And then run and cry.

I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut, but would try not to make it into a big deal. But say something like, I hope so, but remember that not everybody has it that easy. Or, in fact, just point out that some people don't have it that easy, so perhaps she ought to be careful who she's saying it around.

Because I'm sure you're not the only person hearing this stuff from her that has battled infertility.

Monique said...

I don't know...truthfully, I usually just roll my eyes and keep my thoughts to myself but that's me. It sounds like talking to a teenager - for all your wisdom and good advice, it'll likely fall on deaf ears. I used to think that way, that things worked out according to plans, until they didn't - you know what I mean?

cwdurbin said...

I think it's the mentality of ~ that won't happen to me ~ that gives these women the confidence to say something like that. I've lost 3 babies, after I heard their hearts beating, and it makes me sick to think of other women going through what I've gone through and much worse. I've held my tongue for all of my pregnancies because I only wanted to explain to those closest to me what was going on because the comments after loss are never what you want to hear.

I also think that part of the reason why women do this is because you almost never hear about the losses. I just read an article recently about pregnancy misconcenptions (I know, I'm a glutton for punishment) and the first misconception was about miscarriage. The article played it off like so few people miscarry, and even when they do it's so early you won't notice, so it shouldn't even factor into your thoughts! I seriously almost wrote a nasty letter to the magazine.

Every time I hear someone say (or read on facebook) as soon as they've peed on a stick that they're pregnant I want to shake them and say WAIT A MINUTE! I think a lot of it comes from the phrase "ignorance is bliss." I guess if you are ingorant about what goes on in the world the better off you are. I just want to shout from the rooftops that 1 in 8 couples experience some form of infertility. 1 in 8. I know so many people (not even from these blogs) that have either experienced loss or difficulty conceiveing that I think even that number is skewed.

I guess I'll step off my soapbox now. I don't think you are being self centered...just realistic about what happens in the real world. My comment is usually "I'm happy for you, good luck" because in the end I really don't want them to experience what I have. (I reserve the nastier comments for thos who ask me about my family making skills)

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), she's probably right. Because for most people, things do work out just like that.

Which is why I never say anything at all.


dana said...

We got married young (I was 23) and 4 other couples married around the same time, and we all thought the same thing. Nine years later, only one out of the five has a child - and they are currently dealing with secondary infertility. Recently, the second wave of marriages has begun...and not one mention of the guarantee of having babies. I'm not sure if this is because we haven't really hidden our infertility (we don't exactly shout it from rooftops, either), or if it's more of an assumption based on the pro-creation rate in our circle. Either way, I find the shift interesting.

That being said, I don't ever say anything when one is excited or all-knowing about becoming pregnant. I don't feel the need to rain on their parade; sadly, if they experience infertility in any way, that'll be enough to dampen their spirits.

Mo said...

She probably will be just fine and pop those babies out right on schedule. but I agree with Nadine and twohotmamas about ways to handle. she could at least learn not to be so insensitive to everyone around her, even if she doesn't ever truly understand.

And thanks for your comment yesterday on our blog. It meant a lot. I know that you're one of the ones who "gets it." It helps to know that we're rooting each other on across the blogosphere. More than you can know.


Dave said...

Well, I think for lots of people it does work out generally. And, even when one's plan doesn't stay intact, we humans have an amazing ability to fool ourselves into believing that reality is what we had planned all along.

Obviously that isn't the case for you and M or for me and A, but you know what I mean.

Now, to what I really want to say, which is that I hate Beyonce. Absolutely hate her. Not for anything you've mentioned above, but for the amazing crassness with which she describes male-female relationships. If you liked it than you should have put a ring on it...what the hell is that? So, men should effectively buy women when they like the sex? This is the same a-hole who wrote "Bills, Bills, Bills", wonderful refrain that starts with "can you pay my bills", and "Bugaboo", a song that included the line "So what you bought a pair of shoes, what now I guess you think I owe you". She has a knack for boiling all relationships down to being judged on the financial transactions involved, which is just thinly veiled prostitution. And the worst part of all is that it is wrapped up in pop packaging and pushed to girls and young women as empowerment.

Some might ask why it bothers me so much? Because I have a daughter who sings these lyrics and I'm trying like hell to raise her to be better than that.

loribeth said...

Oh, I SO understand... you know, even before I ever started thinking about ttc (never mind had to deal with infertility & loss), I never talked about it with anyone. I always figured that how, when & even whether we chose to start a family was our business & nobody else's -- & I'm always just amazed at people who blather on about this stuff to all & sundry.

I generally do keep my mouth shut when I'm confronted with clueless women like this (& privately roll my eyes)... especially when they're young. It's annoying, but you know what, life being the unfair thing that it is, it probably WILL work exactly as planned for them :p and (as Dana said) why rain on their parade? If I said anything, it would probably be along the lines of, "Well, I hope everything works out for you" with a slight edge in my voice ; ) -- but I love Nadine's husband's "Good luck with that" too.

Anonymous said...

I've had it happen a few times, and sadly, some of those people ended up experiencing IF in one form or another. I find the denial stage people go through at the beginning of IF more frustrating, just because I don't want them to wish they had acted faster.

Ryan's Mommy said...

I have been your situation with people so many times. I have also opened my big mouth and later regretted it. Having learned from this, I now just say, "I really hope for you that it all works out like you've planned." And leave it at that. I am sure she has no idea how insensitive she is being in light of what you've been through. Which, of course, sucks.

Two Shorten the Road said...

Deep down, I always want those people to have hardships. And then they never do. They announce the pregnancy before the pee dries on the stick and they sail through the whole thing.

I do not understand why some people are so clueless - and then end up getting the privilege of living in blissful cluelessness to the end of their days.

FWIW, I hate J.Lo more than Beyonce, because J.Lo won't cop to her infertility treatments - and it would help a lot of people if she would. The coward.

Stephanie said...

I just smile and say "I hope it works out the way you want it to". But in my head I'm thinking "me too, me too, I wanted that too". I was pregnant within a month of getting married. It was all too perfect to be true. Literally, since I lost that baby. It changed me. Now, when people announce a pregnancy, my first inner thought isn't "how happy for you!". It's "oh, I hope it doesn't die". I honestly don't think that people can understand the complete shift in perspective until they're experienced infertility or miscarriage themselves.

Mali said...

I remember a friend and his partner heading to Italy for a vacation. It was, he blithely announced, to be their "conception trip." Six years later, after IVF and ICSI, they had their one and only child. He wa crass enough to announce they were pregnant in an email, with an attachment of the scan photo, that was sent in response to my "I've had my second ectopic" email! Some people don't learn, so i don't try to educate them.

sharah said...

Raised eyebrows and kept my mouth shut as she announced they were having a baby THIS year -- right after I had told her we were stopping treatments. 3 years, a slew of early miscarriages, and 2 IVFs later, and she's finally getting her baby. No one thinks it will happen to them, even when they realize that it's a possibility that things won't work out.