Thursday, December 1, 2011

On the GC Tip

As you know, we've taken quite a long and winding path to gestational surrogacy. We never expected the process to be quick. We also never expected to be in the running for hardest couple to match. ever.

Part of this is our fault. I know. Word of advice: intended parents, read. Reread. Then ask other people to read your profiles before hitting send. Ours benefited greatly from the eyes of some wise women once we realized, hmm, maybe we haven't put our best foot forward here.

So, new profile for us was entered. We received one potential carrier profile after that, it was good.....but not quite there yet. Received another that made me pull M out of meeting at work to make him read it. It felt like such a fit. I loved the voice I was hearing in the writer. I saw humor, pragmatism, intelligence, love. I love the city where she lives, found encouragement that she worked in a medical setting. We emailed the agency right away with a "YES! Let's do this!!!" They were thrilled. We were too. We waited to hear what the potential carrier might think.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally, our agency started to gently prod. We know this is a big decision, but this couple have been on this journey a very, very long time. Can you tell us what you're thinking?

She was thinking she needed some time to think through timing. She feared having to be on meds over the holidays. And I thought that was fair. In fact, that made me like her even more. How responsible! How forward thinking!

And we waited, and waited even longer for her to say yes so we could move forward with the papers, contracts, all the good stuff. Finally, our agency gave her a deadline. Which she promptly missed. Weeks after our initial "let's do this," we all agreed this carrier, for whatever reason, was not going to happen.

Funny thing is, at this point, we are pretty un-fazed by things not working out.


In the midst of the waiting, we were hanging out with friends and talking about that other decision - to house or not to house. One of our good friends, who is also our mortgage broker, was walking through the finances with me. And I confessed that there was this one major variable hanging out there that we had to always keep in mind. And that variable was pretty expensive. She furrowed her brows and gave a what the hell are you talking about look and I ended up spilling the whole sack of gestational carrier beans - how we had friends who offered, that didn't work out, we moved to an agency, we've struggled to find a match, we found a match, she seems to be getting cold feet....

Our friend asked tons of questions, I thought because she was fascinated by the whole process. What does it take? What does a carrier have to do? How do the meds work? And out of nowhere said:

"I would totally do this for you."

Hunh? What?

"I need to talk with [my husband] and I need to be sure he is ok with this, and you need to talk with M to be sure he's cool (yeah, he is) but this is something that I would really want to do. What do we do next?"

Well, first, M and I pull our jaws up from the ground. And then we say thank you. And then we think about what we will need to present to her very nice, but very overprotective husband to see if he would be on board. We talked for the rest of the night. About Isa and Jovi. About her family. About ours. About her feelings around pregnancy, About the b*tch that is infertility.

And that's where we are now. Putting some assurances together for hubby (who is ok, not thrilled, but ok) with his wife's decision, and presenting another set of medical records to our clinic for inspection.

As you know, this has been the "do not pass go" point in two previous attempts.

Again, we find ourselves with another amazing woman who we know and love and would LOVE to have as a part of our extended family. She has a teen son, whom we adore, and a brother, who has been M's best friend for decades. Her family is nontraditional, but full of love and acceptance. We can't get ourselves too excited because, you know, shit happens.

And just to be safe, we're not letting go of our agency. Who, in fact, emailed yesterday to say there is a potential profile for us to review once background checks are made.

A couple of irons are in the fire. (and I don't know where to go next with that idiom).


still life angie said...

Cautiously optimistic for both you and M...YAHOO! Wait, was that cautious enough? I love you very much.

Monique said...

Woo hoo! Fingers crossed and hoping things work out.

Barbara said...

Wow. Crossing everything crossable that this works.


niobe said...

Wow. Hoping that this works out.

Anonymous said...

I have cold shivers all over... I really hope this is it for you! Would you prefer someone you know over someone you don't?

B's Mom said...

I have a good feeling about this one...

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I was not expecting THAT!

Like Angie said, I'm also cautiously optimistic. Things are crossed!

Brenna said...

I haven't commented in forever and a day, but read all of your posts and this gave me goose bumps. I'm so hopeful for you all! I'll be sending tons and tons of good vibes in your direction.

dana said...

oh, man. i am so hoping, like others, that this is ~it for y'all!

Two Shorten the Road said...

Oh wow. Good luck - I really hope the third time is a charm for your GC.

Catherine W said...

Feeling a little weepy. Also smiling. So pleased for you and M and, like Barbara, crossing everything crossable.

Danielle said...

Wow. Just wow.

Hoping hard for you- but, besides that, smiling at how very much you are loved by so many.

bibc said...

Oh friend, hoping that whatever happens, you two have a babe in arms soon!

Sorry I've been distant, haven't even signed into Reader. I know you read my post but I still feel the need to apologize for my lack of presence.

Wishing all the luck a new year can bring and sending love and peace.

Smiling said...

I too am cautiously optimistic... there are so many 'wouldn't that just be perfect' thoughts. 'all that waiting for this!' kind of thoughts. I have had that moment several times with friends (re: donor eggs). It is such a wonderful feeling what you realize someone would offer. They want YOU to be a parent. It has always felt like a wonderful vote of love and confidence and belief in us and our dreams... I really hope one of the irons pans out (or whatever that phrase is)

Hope's Mama said...

How did I miss this! Simply thrilled for you guys. Know it is very early days, but I will hold tightly on to hope.

m said...

"Would you prefer someone you know over someone you don't?"

Great question! And I think it 100% depends upon the someones. I see pros and cons to both. I think the biggest pro for using someone we don't know is that they've signed up for this. They know what they're in for. They are part of a contractual arrangement. There seems like there would be fewer negotiation points because expectations are clearly outlined at the beginning - they have to be.

One of the questions they ask when you are seeking a GC is what kind of relationship you would like to have with them in the future - again, we said this depends on the person and what THEY want as well. As long as lines of communication are open for a future child if they want/need that information, then we don't have to be best friends, but we wouldn't be opposed if a friendship developed.

Using someone we know has all kinds of pros (trust, proximity, relationships already there). In fact, one of the things that was so heartbreaking about our last "no go" was the fact that we all were kind of already planning extended family outings and envisioning our lives intertwined in a new way.

But one of the things our potential known gc is concerned about is how might a loss affect our relationship? How might it affect hers with her own family? We've already discussed building in counseling before, during and after for all of us. So, a lot to gain, a lot to potentially lose with a known GC.

I think this might be worth expanding into a larger post at some point. But I appreciate your question, and its one we ask ourselves a lot.