Thursday, July 5, 2012

Post-Budget Blues...and Some Lighter Hues

Hi! Hey, over here. (waving) Here, right in front of the computer where you last saw me.

I just look a little more dazed today than usual. The state budget season is over for another year where I live. After a race to the finish line that ended minutes before midnight on the last day of my state's fiscal year, it's done. I've been waiting for this moment for at least two months and now that's its here....meh.

I'm feeling like someone just threw a big bash at my apartment with people I didn't invite and don't really like and now everyone's gone and I'm left staring at dishes I don't want to do and trying to remember where I stashed all my valuables so they wouldn't get broken or stolen. In short, I'm feeling worn out, and more than a little exposed. And dazed. Did I say dazed already? 

You could look at the budget and the pieces that I fight for and think, hot damn, you all fared pretty well. And yes, we did. Compared to other years. Compared to other equally worthy pieces. Compared to what was originally proposed. But damn, it got ugly. And personal.

Maybe that's a sign of when you know you are a "real player" when you're on the radar enough for people to talk shit about you. Me, personally, I don't much care for being above the radar OR for people (that I have never met) questioning my integrity. Yeah, I don't think real players get teary when big mean jerks act like big mean jerks. I think my thin skin eliminates me from real playerdom. Oh well.

I'm taking some time off.

Not as much as I'd like and there are no exotic or foreign destinations lined up, and there's a week of meetings I actually need to come back for in the middle, but for the most part, July is mine.

Now, what to do with it?

There is a transfer coming up. I'm hoping you'll forgive me for not being more specific than that. But I'm feeling a need to keep some things a little close to the chest right now. (see also: feeling exposed). A few of our friends know. We haven't said anything to either set of parents. My boss knows I'm taking some sick days. That's it.

I've spent some time "managing expectations" at work lately. The habit has stuck. I'm trying to manage expectations. Especially mine.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking through numbers. And this is such a useless task, isn't it? But it fills my brain up nonetheless. Thinking about what transferring two embryos to our surrogate and one to me could mean. It could mean one baby. Or two. Or three (faint). Or none.

I dig the first two options. The third one gives me pause. The fourth and final outcome I don't care for not one bit. We've talked about different strategies - maybe just one for her. Maybe I'll sit this out. But maybe nothing makes the thaw. Maybe the one we don't put in was THE one......

It's been so long since we've thought through numbers. So long since a real cycle. I am rusty at this. Some of it is like riding a bike. Oh, you stick that there? Ouch. Ok. Next. That goo goes where? Oh. Alright. But some of it never gets easier.

Cue the radishes.

This cycle, our cycle. Me and my cycle sister, our surrogate. It feels good. Good to know I've done everything I can to be ready. Even better to know there is another safe womb ready for this adventure. God does that feel good. We'll know by the end of the month whether one or both of us is pregnant. And I promise I will show my cards then.


Catherine W said...

Nice to see you waving over here. Don't let the b******* grind you down. Sorry that you feel exposed.

And I'm hoping, hoping, hoping. I'm rubbish at managing my expectations. Just can't help hope bubbling up. For you x

Danielle said...

I know the feeling of fighting hard for something at work, getting it, and thinking, "Damn, that sucked. Was it really worth it?" But the people on whose behalf you work are much the better off for having you in the fight. Hope you can keep that in sight while the bruises are fading.

As to the rest of the month- I am here and hopeful and quietly, but unstintingly, in your corner.

Nadine said...

Oh lady, we kept it all close to our chest, all the time, told our my 2 besties(and remember he whole fakes pregnancy where my mother thinks I was knocked up). Yeah,

I'm cyber stalking your surrogate cause I'm that kinda crazy(and I like to think resourceful!).

You need to come to Canada! Immigrate, come for the free health care stay for the crazy socialists! And good beer :).

Carla said...

Hugs to you from me! I hope you get some relief and relaxation in the days ahead. I look forward to news when you are ready to share. Good to see a post.

jenicini said...

Hugs. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Positive thoughts all the way around. Gives us "lurkers" something to look forward to all month long.... and take our minds off of this oppressive heat !! Now... you can tell yourself that you're going through this for the betterment of mankind :)

Heather said...

"Yeah, I don't think real players get teary when big mean jerks act like big mean jerks. I think my thin skin eliminates me from real playerdom."

Something I've noticed about 90% of 'real players', is that they got to this elevated status by being an asshole. They may have a nice smile and be able to talk the talk about visions and personal branding, but deep down they are assholes. So, you have feelings and care and aren't an asshole. Oh well. :)

Sending all my good vibes/energy/positive thoughts your way!

TracyOC said...

Congrats on surviving the budget wars and, as a resident of the state where you do battle, thank you for fighting the good fight.

As for the transfer, I'm going to be unabashedly hopeful for you. Sending all of my good vibes positive energy your way.

dana said...

hoping and wishing and praying, like everyone else.


Clare (smiling scar) said...

I am overwhelmed by all the news.... i've been out of town at a fiddle/violin camp. It sounds so exciting and intense. Sending you really really wonderful thoughts for all that you have going on right now.

and i think the work you are doing is so so important.. not just for the work.. but showing others how it can be done without being a complete jerk about it:)

luna said...

wow. double transfer action! very exciting. wishing you all well, along with some of your future tiny travelers.

until then, enjoy some well deserved time off!