Monday, November 17, 2014

#Microblog Mondays - 3 is a Magic Number

One. Two. Three. A family of three we shall be.

Official beta isn't until tomorrow, but our surrogate is an obsessive pee-on-a-sticker. When I hadn't heard anything last week, a quick email on Friday confirmed my suspicions, and ruined a good chunk of our weekend. Sigh. Last chance. No dice.

During the transfer, M and I were feeling a sense of relief. Whatever happens, we saw this through to the end. We explored every possibility. And now we can move on with our lives. With however many children the fates have fated us to have. It felt good to have closure. To be on our final transfer.

Friday, it didn't feel so good. Just...Final.

M is crushed. I'm more like numb. Denial? Perhaps I'm still waiting for that miracle beta. Perhaps I'm feeling pragmatic. I'm trying to remind myself that I wasn't really sure I wanted to go through this final round in the first place. I'm re-reading passages of Lauren's One and Only to reaffirm that there are distinct privileges and opportunities that being an only affords.

I'm sad there won't be more to love. I'm happy we can focus all we have on D. I'm sad there are mountains of baby clothes eagerly and tenderly saved that we'll now have to give away. I'm happy we can get bolder on our weekend adventures together, without a tiny baby to slow us down. Sad/happy. Happy/sad. Mostly just resigned and getting used to the new reality. A family of three we shall be.


13 comments:

Non Sequitur Chica said...

I hope that you get your miracle beta tomorrow but if not, I would bet that the hope of having another child is going to take a while to grieve.

Northern Star said...

Oh I'm so sorry. Hoping you find resolve and peace with this. Hang in there.

m said...

Yes, I think it's going to take a while to work itself out. But there's always been a "maybe, just maybe" lingering out in the distance before. Not so this time. This could be the suckiest BFN ever (at least for us). Thanks so much for your thoughts.

sharah said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Thinking of you two.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sending a lot of good thoughts for tomorrow, and a hug to get through whatever the news will be.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I wish I could be there in person to deliver a big hug and just abide with you.

Sending love to you and M.

Noemi James said...

I'm so, so sorry.

Abiding with you.

Keiko Zoll said...

Oh oh oh. My heart just hurts for you, abides with you, and wants to wrap you up in a huge, huge hug.

Kathy said...

Abiding with you and so sorry that things are not looking positive (as far as the Beta goes). I appreciate your thought process and know that you will make the best of whatever will be. But I get how bittersweet that is. xoxo

Monique said...

I'm sorry. sending you much love.

Jamie said...

Sending thoughts your way.

Danielle said...

I am sorry. I am just sorry. I wish there were something better to say. My heart is with you as you take it all in.

nicoleciomek said...

hugs, hugs, hugs!! 3 is a beautiful number and no matter what you all will have an amazing family.

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