Monday, October 27, 2014

#MicroblogMondays - Eating My Words

This morning, I am feeling like the cruddiest crud of all crud. And conflicted. So conflicted.

Last Thursday, on work trip, my boss and I were "discussing" a person who is very hard to deal with: A big bully of a man who puzzlingly also has a little man complex. A career bureaucrat who seemingly finds pleasure in creating obstacles to good policy and sharing half truths when the truth isn't what he likes. Let me be frank, I think this guy is a jerk and one of the few people I haven't moved past actively disliking on a daily basis.

That same day, he and his wife lost their baby. I just found out this morning.

I have no details other than Loss. I think it was a little girl. She was nearly full term. Due Election Day.

And my heart cries for them. I mean, how can it not?? This is nothing you wish upon even the greatest of enemies. But now here is the quandary - how to reach out? How to get beyond the "god I can't stand you" feelings to get to his wife and to his grief? What do I say? What can I share? How can I write this so he doesn't immediately rip up the card when he sees who its from? (because I am sure the feeling is mutual). I am also sure CVS does not have a card for this occasion.

And of course, I am eating my words. Wishing I never piled on to the awful that this person was in the midst of, right as I was saying, "maybe being a father will make him a nicer person....." oooof.  It's not possible to feel like more of an ass than I do right now.

So many of you are so sage, and have taken hard spiritual journeys through your grief and ended up at a place where I am hoping you have some wise words for me. Help?

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Monique said...

That sucks. A thoughtful hand-written card expressing your sadness over their loss is never out of place. He may be a jerk but he's probably reeling and grieving, regardless. Sending love.

Karen said...

I agree with Monique. I usually go with handwritten/blank cards for something like this; it's more personal.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I would keep the message simple. Few would turn away comfort regardless of its origin, and you're in a unique position to know what helped you when you were grieving and to do that for him.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Good advice here. You don't have to like someone to offer (and accept) comfort. Underneath all the other stuff we are all humans just trying to get through (some more gracefully than others).

Anonymous said...

Grief makes the unlikeliest of companions. Two local friends I have spent a great deal of time talking to after my loss I connected with because of their own losses. Previously we were at best aquaintence that I was not terribly fond of. I think a card and the offer to talk is appropriate.

Anonymous said...

There are very few people in my world that I dislike - lucky me- but on occasion I've had to rub elbows with them for a creative project or they're a boyfriend/girlfriend of someone I care adore. I take great care to be as sincere with them as I can possibly be because I know that insecurity (or jealousy) can make all of pains in the asses. I would deliver a handwritten note addressed to him and his wife to his office/cubicle at a quiet time and let him know you are sorry for his loss and understand uniquely what it is like. Offer your shoulder if either him or his wife would like to talk about it. His hopes and dreams have been shattered and he may not be capable of receiving your care. Then just let it go.

m said...

Very sage advice. Thank you, ladies. Handwritten card sent. I don't know when he'll be at his office again, and it's not an office I go to often...stopping by isn't really an option. But we will definitely find each other in shared work settings. Thank you all.