As Requested

by Kami and for a long time now by my buddy Audrey. Sorry for the wait.

And for the lack of composition. These were taken this morning. Mid-run. So, I'm kind of pointing my droid blindly as sweat drips into my eyes and hoping I get something. The tree to the left is J's and the one to the right in this picture is I's. At least in my head. We never named them as such, and I think M. was a little surprised when I actually referred to them that way the last time we walked here together. But, that's what it is. According to me.

As I've mentioned before this is the exact halfway point of my run. A place where I'm always thankful to stop for just a minute. Say hello. Look at the river. Share the view of the trees.

Today

Is your last chance to vote!

Here's a friendly reminder from RESOLVE:

Have you voted for the Team RESOLVE™ Choice Awards for Best Blog, Best Book and the Hope Award for Nursing yet?

On Tuesday, September 28 in New York City, NY, RESOLVE will present the Team RESOLVE™ Choice Awards for Best Blog, Best Book and the Hope Award for Nursing and we can’t do it without YOU!

• Click here to vote for your favorite infertility book and blog!
• Click here to nominate your favorite infertility nurse for the Hope Award for Nursing co-sponsored with EMD Serono!

It goes without saying that I am stunned and humbled to be among the company of these ladies, each with her own story to tell. Just like you.

Thank you for the emails I've received this week. Thank you for the love and encouragement you've shown me, and for letting me vent. Thank you, truly, for sharing your stories with me, and for sticking around as we continue our quest for a happy ending to ours.

Now go click on some buttons!

Running It Right

As I crawled out of bed this morning and perched on the couch next to an already dressed and ready M (our morning routine), he looked at me and asked, "Aren't you running in the mornings anymore?"

And at first I was annoyed (because that's how I am) automatically assuming M. was inferring I really should get my tubby ass out of bed and on the sidewalk because, well, you know, last night's pizza doesn't shake itself off, right?

But as you know, he's been down, so I kept my caustic tongue in my mouth and just shrugged and said "we'll see" as I gave him a kiss and sent him out the door.

And then I sat down and wrote this morning's quickie, and then I realized I was having a little trouble getting into the swing of things. I checked my calendar, saw I was uncommitted until about 10 am and said, Aw screw it. I'll run.

So I ran. And I realized I was having a pretty nice run. And that it is a beautiful day. Beyond beautiful. Cool breeze. Sunny, not scorching. And I said hi to the trees and damn they look great (funny how one is tall and thin, the other shorter and a little more, how shall we say, filled out? Both gorgeous. Both unique. Both thriving. Kind of like how I imagined...)

Anyway, I made it back in record time (for me). And excitedly sent a text to M. telling him he talked me into it. He replied, "that's great. You're always so much happier and livelier afterward."

Which made me realize that his hints this morning had nothing to do with my flabby bum, and everything to do with him wanting to shake the sulk. And wanting me not to fall into it. And wanting a helping hand to pull him out once I got my mind right.

I think I'm alright. Not all right, but alright. ;-)

Vocalization

And finally, he speaks.

"Everything is just so far removed from where it should be."

And I can relate.

I bet you can too.

The F word

I can't speak about father's day. I can't. Not out loud.

I can't talk about M. coming home from work on Thursday and sobbing. Not anywhere but here.

Out of nowhere, huge, wet tears rolled down his face and into hands that couldn't contain them and soaked his shirt. That expression of frustration, helplessness, pain - how long has he been holding that in? What in the hell triggered this? Who or what unleashed this? My brain demands to know, to deliver vengeance on the offending item or offender, but I know better than to ask. Because I won't get an answer. And I'm pretty sure I already know.

Things have been better since Thursday. There have been multiple distractions. People to entertain and things to do. But today is quiet. And that always makes me a bit nervous.

We are at his parent's house. With his dad and 2 of the three dogs. His mom and dog #3 are away. The boys are reading the Sunday papers, watching the W.orld C.up - it could be any other Sunday.

But its not.

The hallmark words haven't been uttered. They probably won't be. M. is not the kind that finds comfort in the assurance that he is, indeed, a father. That makes it worse. That he will make a wonderful father....worse yet. This essay in the online NY Times wishing for a daughter #2....for M. made it all much, much worse. His isolation now becomes palpable.

One of the dogs is freaking the f*ck out right now. She can't understand where her sister is or where she went. She can't possibly comprehend that her playmate is having a lovely time visiting M.'s sister and her family. She can't understand that her longing will go away in a few days. All she knows right now is the absence. That something isn't quite right and she doesn't know why and she can't do anything about it.

I look at M. right now and that's what I see. That all he sees and feels these days is the Absence.

Only this one will not be resolved.

**

This weekend hasn't been bad, its just been tenuous. M. will pull himself out of the funk. He always does. And for once, I think the prospect of Monday could make things better. Because then it won't be today, and we'll have a 364 day reprieve.

On Awareness, part 2 - Reader Participation Requested

Back in April, I decided that the desire to be a vocal part of the infertility community, the part that would rather as Mel says, light a candle than sit and curse the darkness, was stronger than my fear of reopening my book of what ifs.

So I wrote this post.

On Friday, I learned that based on that post, RESOLVE chose this blog (this blog right here!) as one of the five in the running for their best blog award.

OMFGHFS

(I hope they don't deduct points for cursing.)

The point of the post was to recognize National Infertility Awareness Week. As you know, I think awareness only counts when its connected with action. So....

When you have a minute, please go to www.resolve.org/vote. Have a look around. Read some posts. Bookmark some new sites. Make your choice for the best infertility blog and best infertility book. you don't have to vote for me. But it would be awesome if you would vote. And if you felt like spreading the link around, well, that would be great too.

Voting is open until June 24th. So don't dilly dally!

To My Cancer Peeps

If you happened upon this blog because you are a childhood/young adult cancer survivor and

• you are between 17 and 35 years old and
• are done with active treatment and
• are currently living in the U.S.

Might I suggest checking out the The SAMFund's website? Part 1 of their Grant and Scholarship application is available and will be until Monday, July 12th at 5 pm EST.

The grants and scholarships are for post-treatment, "real life" needs such as rent and other living expenses, tuition and loans, car and health insurance premiums, residual medical bills and prescription co-pays. And yes, there are even some funds available to put towards fertility options/procedures.

I know this because I was one of their grant recipients in 2007. Here's just a little peak at the essay part of my submission.

If you are NOT a childhood cancer survivor, I bet you know someone who is. Pass this along.

And....if you are so inclined, perhaps consider making a donation to this amazing organization? Sometimes people are so focused on curing the disease, there's little thought left to actually surviving it. The SAMFund was started by young adult cancer survivors. They get it. And they can help you get back on your feet and focus on living, not just surviving. Seriously cancer peeps, go check it out.