Sunday, February 3, 2008

Same as It Ever Was?

Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I haven't had much to say. Since we received the BFN, my daily routine feels like it did a year ago, before the whole maybe baby adventure. No shots, no forgetting to take my pills, no hesitation before I eat something. No denial of caffeine or alcohol. One could almost be lulled into thinking it never happened. One could think that I am exactly the same today as I was February 3, 2007, 2006, 2005...

But I'm not.

What's changed? Gosh, well, for at least a few days, my womb had the pleasure of hosting some little guys with potential. I know they were in there. I saw them as they were being placed. And having that responsibility, that honor, that joy, that feeling that I might be creating something, if only for a few days, is an experience I thought that I would never, never have. And I did. If things fell to sh*t right now and we decided to not try again, to leave this dream behind, I would have no hesitation saying that the exploration, the process was all worth it. I was pregnant, if only for a few days.

That's what I would say today.

Catch me at another time and I might rue the day that I ever started to question my childfree life. It wasn't/isn't so bad, is it?

No. It's not. And I bet I could keep living it and be ok.

But that's not something I want to explore just yet.

It's CD4. We are patiently awaiting cycle instructions from Nurse, who will call us after the docs have their weekly pow wow and decide what to do with us and our remaining embies.

Stay tuned for Maybe Baby, take 2.


Lori Lavender Luz said...

May 2 be your lucky number, M.

stacyb said...

if you wanted to stop now you're life would certainly be more than ok -- as it will also be if you want to try another cycle.

i'll be interested in hearing your update on the docs meeting this week.

hope take 2 comes sooner than later.

also...thanks for your comment today M. i really appreciate your support.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I am SO sorry that I am just catching up.

And I am really sorry for your BFN. I am impressed by how quickly you have pulled yourself back together. The odds are still in your favor that you will get pregnant with your frozen embryos.

But you are right, if your life does not include a pregnancy, you will be ok. We all will be, no matter what. It's the hardest thing to remember.....

I have my fingers crossed for cycle #2!!


Stacie said...

So sorry about the bfn. It is amazing how much an ivf cycle (and the disappointment of a bfn) can rock your whole world.

I am awed by your inner strength. You were pregnant for those few days, and I pray that round 2 will bring the baby you so rightly deserve! I'll be here cheering you on, too.

MLO said...

I'm sorry for your BFN.

Anonymous said...

Akin to that one love of your life that knocked you on your ass but also tore your heart out, the absolutely joy of knowing that you are pregnant, even for a day, is truly astounding and worth it. And you would have that with you for the rest of your life, if you stopped right now. But I am crossing my fingers for you for #2.

Josée Martens said...

Just found your blog. Got my BFN on Jan 29th. I like the way you write and how you think. I wish you a great weekend and better luck next time.

battynurse said...

I'm sorry about the BFN. I know what you mean about changing your mind with all this stuff. I've been wondering the same myself if my IVF (that I said would be my last try) ends up not working. But I don't feel ready to stop. It sucks big time. I hope try number 2 has much better results.

Pamela T. said...

I so totally hear you. The three times I was "pregnant" with my embies, I was on top of the world.

Childfree now and looking ahead with enthusiasm rather than dread for the first time since the treatments didn't succeed, I know we gave it our best shot and I feel better knowing we took our efforts as far as money, sanity and science could take us.

Here's hoping that MaybeBaby take 2 brings a different outcome for you, but know that there is life after treatments regardless.

Anonymous said...

You're not the same. Each prick changes us a little. Maybe making us stronger, maybe making us sadder, maybe making us closer. Wishing you luck and success w/ #2!

Nearlydawn said...

You GO GIRL! I am so glad you and hubby agreed to say No.

I really do think that the Drs don't have to go through all the daily shit of a cycle, they don't pay for the meds, they don't get the headaches and mood swings, so they really don't understand what they are asking for when they say "mock cycle". To say they take a cycle for granted is a real understatment.

I sure hope your cycle goes smoothly, and that having YOUR NURSE remains a constant comfort to you.