Friday, March 28, 2008


Oh hey, what's there? Oh, I see. It's NOTHING.

Yes friends, it is a BFN which, frankly, took hubby and I a bit by surprise this time. I've been cramping all week which I felt was a sure sign of something, right? Nope. It's nothing.

Angry. Sad. Angry. Resigned. Angry (at whom?). Confused. Relieved? (at what? Finally knowing?) A little Lost. Maybe a lot Lost. What am I going to do with myself today?

While I sift through these thoughts amidst more soul searching which I fear might be coming on, I need you, my friends, to do me a favor.

I need you to tell me the worst joke your know. I mean, the one that makes your friends groan and your husband furrow his brow whenever you try to tell it because it's so bad.

Here's mine:

What's red and invisible??

No tomatoes.

I love that joke. Instead of sympathies, please send me your crappiest, worst joke. God can't be the only one with a f*cked up sense of humor, right?


Anonymous said...

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its dick.

I was drunk in the middle of the day in a bar in Haight-Ashbury. I told the bartendress that joke, and after I saw the look on her face, I went in the bathroom and cried.

I'm sorry, friend.


m said...

oh my dear. These are better than I ever could have imagined. Thank you.

So much.

beagle said...

I'm sorry.

My bad joke is lame, but I guess that's the point:

What's green and happy?
-A Glad garbage bad.

Owen B said...

i think this is a four terrible joke day...

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrot?"

What's an archeologist?
Someone whose career is in ruins.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? -- a very cross penguin

What do you call an avid gardener? -- herb

stacyb said...

strange...that was me, stacyb who posted those four terrible jokes...someone else must have been on my computer.

might as well give you another...make terrible one

How do dogs order eggs at restaurants?

Anonymous said...

What did Spock find in the toilet?

The Captain's Log.

hahahaha I LOVE this joke. no one else does. :)(from guess who? lb)

Stirrup Queen said...

How do you make a hormone?

Kick her in the knees.

This didn't show up on Google Reader today! I just came over here by chance (and I'm signed into my work email so ignore that this says Stirrup Queen instead of Mel).

Pamela T. said...

I wish I had a better memory for jokes. This is the only one I can remember at the moment:

Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a Snow Bank...

wifethereof said...

1.What does toilet paper and Capt. Kirk have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Kling-ons.

2. The Department of Fish & Game is merging with the CA Highway Patrol.
The new name is FISH & CHIPS.

That's the best I can do on a Friday afternoon.

Jamie said...

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

You have no idea how much my husband hates that one . . .

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I wish I had one to add. But I'm taking away some really fantastic ones!

So sorry about your news today. This is a novel way of dealing. Kudos and hugs to you, M.

Anonymous said...

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...


Kami said...

I'm sorry I am late . . . sorry for the bad jokes. They are my standby bad jokes.

Why do elephants have flat fee?

Because they jump out of trees.

Why should you not walk through the forest between 10 and 2?

That is when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.

Why do beavers have flat tails?

They walk though the forest between 10 and 2.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red, green, yellow and orange?

So they can hide in jelly bean jars.

Have you even seen an elephant hiding in a jelly bean jar?

See how good it works?

Anonymous said...

I have no jokes. You have no good news. Which that weren't the case for either of us. I'm sorry.

LJ said...

Oh - I am so sorry - that just sucks balls. However:

What kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?


Becks said...

I am about to face my 4th IVF failure and so dont want to post it as I dont want the sympathy...had it all before. Think we'll eventually head for DE, so your blog has been a big help. Thanks.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

Carrie said...

How do you kill a circus?

Go straight for the juggler!

I'm so sorry to hear the outcome. It just isn't fair

luna said...

variation on mel's...
how do you make a hormone?
don't pay her.

ok here's another really bad one...

what's the most insensitive part of a penis?
the man.

my favorite is the humping dog though...

annacyclopedia said...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Paranoid said...

Here's a nice, long, terrible joke:

Guy walks into a bar carrying a box. He sets the box down on the bar and opens it up. Inside is a perfect, foot-tall gentleman sitting at a tiny piano. The bartender says wow, that's cool! Where'd you get it?

The guy says "I got it from this genie," showing the bartender an elaborate lamp.

The bartender says "Ok, I'll give you free drinks for a year if you let me have that genie." The guy agrees, drinks a few, then goes home.

A few days later, he comes back to the bar. The place is overrun with ducks. Ducks on every stool, on the bar, all over the floor, just everywhere.

The bartender looks up, sees the guy and yells, "Hey, I think your genie has a hearing problem. I asked for a million bucks and look what I got!"

And the guy looks at him and says "You're telling me! I didn't ask for a 12-inch pianist!"

Rachel said...

What's the difference between a corvette and a porcupine?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


Kim said...

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your door step?

What do you call a girl with one leg up against a wall?

What do you call a girl with a wooden leg?

I know really bad. i am a horrible joke teller - I always say the punch line too soon!

Skerry said...

Newbie here...

Mr. Jones is the light of the nursing home, he always has a smile and all the ladies love him. The nurses are suprised to see him walking down the hall with a glum look on his face...They ask him "Mr. Jones, why the sad face?" His response..."My dick died" The nurses were shocked and dismayed but expressed their condolences.
The next day the nurses see Mr. Jones walking down the hall with a sad face and his pants unzipped with his dick hanging out. The rush up to him and explain that he can't walk around like that and ask him why he is exposing himself. Mr. Jones replies..."I told you yesterday my dick died...well today is the viewing."

This one always makes me laugh even if it types offense intended.

So sorry...Kerry

Jendeis said...

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Long but good, as in terrible. A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, Patty Black, for a loan. She says, "Fine, but what do you have for collateral?" The frog pulls something out of his pocket and says, "This. Here's my collateral." Patty doesn't know what it is, so she goes to check with her manager, who tells her, "It's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

Shinejil said...

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish.

Clover said...

I'm a day late and a dollar short, but I'm really sorry it didn't work this time. Thinking of you and DH.