Saturday, September 6, 2008

Can It Be?

Holy writers' block.

How ironic. I once joked about the perceived notion that pregnant women's brains must turn to mush - and now it's happening to me.

It's not that I don't have anything to say. Believe me. The list of bloggable topics is piling as high as plates of leftovers in my fridge. But where to begin? How to start? After a bit of an absence, what would be the most appropriate post?

What if I've forgotten how to write? What if I am so caught up in the lingo of marketing a conference (which is what has had me going nuts all week at work) that I'm no longer funny, relevant, interesting even?

Adding to my hesitation is the fact that some of you have pumped out some simply stunning posts lately. I mean, gorgeous. Perfect combinations of words that have had me laughing and crying and going, "holy sh*t, that [your name here] is a great writer."

And now I see that I have several paragraphs down about how I haven't been able to push out a paragraph. Writing about not writing. A post about not being able to write a post. How Post Modern. How very meta...

Let me start by saying all is well.

We had our second ultrasound on Thursday and saw two pulsing kidney beans up in me. Measuring in at 8 weeks 4 days, at exactly eight weeks and four days. We could see the beginnings of placentas and little umbilical cords the size of dental floss.

It was stunning. And I don't think I've been the same since.

We had a teary goodbye at the clinic with our Nurse who has been with us since the day we started, through the canceled donor cycle, on to the new donor (who she helped pick out) past the first BFN, then the next BFN, on to the new doctor, the hysteroscopy and now here. Where we are now. Which is a pretty new place.

We have officially "graduated" from the university hospital where our donor egg adventure began (which is kind of funny, since I almost did go there for college.) All week I've been exclaiming, "I graduated from ____!" Really? I thought you went to ____? I did. I'm making a funny.

Hubby's level of excitement has reached an unprecedented level. Seeing the heartbeats has made it real. He's giddy, hopeful, still kind of shocked.

Me? I'm caught between these desires to clean (which room will be theirs?), to nest, to plan (how many sick days do I have left? what are our benefits?), to prepare (where do we start?) and the need to just sit down and stare into space, trying to take this all in. Add to that the occasional, "Hey, wait a minute. What the F*CK have I done?" moment. Which I have been told by my trusted co-worker and confidant L. is totally normal.

I feel as if I've been plaguing L. with my need to be reassured that things are "totally normal." We've discovered the wonderfulness of skype and now her days are filled with these lovely lines from me:

"Hey L, I feel like I'm gonna puke but I never puke."

-totally normal.

"L. is it normal to be hungry and nauseous at the same time?"


"L., my pee smells."

-dude. TMI, but don't sweat it. Totally normal.

It's funny. L and I have about the same level of patience - which is none. And that is why I love her. but she has been unwaveringly patient with me. I feel doubly blessed with a BFF who has just had a beautiful baby boy and does not mind talking me through the ups and downs of their first weeks together. Add to that a SIL who has helped her little one transition from a preemie who cried and cried and cried to a funny and fun-loving, curious and thoughtful one year old. And I don't think I could ask for a stronger circle of support or set of women to help me through this strange new world.

And I know that circle will grow as we continue to share the news. Which we will. In waves. As it feels appropriate and my belly starts to show.

Nine weeks, as of tomorrow.


Skerry said...

Continuing my stalking, so glad you posted an update. Congrats! on your graduation..haha..and on your healthy beans. My very best wishes as you and your husband embark on the most amazing, tiring, wonderful, stressful, did I say amazing journey of your lives. I am looking forward to reading your updates.

Amy said...

My brain is mush, too. I'm so excited for your two healthy little beans!!! Isn't it strange that all of this bizarre stuff is normal? Wow...none of that was connected...

stacyb said...


Ryan's Mommy said...

holy sh*t, that [your name here] is a great writer.

Seriously, you are. So excited that the beans are sticking! Hooooray!

Sharon LaMothe said...

I am so happy for you!! I will now join everyone in Stalking you through your journey!! LOL


Anonymous said...

Yay for showing! You KNOW I am hooking you up w/ all the Gap/ON maternity goodness you can stand! :) I can imagine what a transition it is after trying so long to actually being the real deal now. And I'm even more excited that I can be here to share all of your maternal goodness!

I <3 you and your beans.

~Hollie said...

Just fabulous! I'm so ecstatic for you. Keep us posted, even if the preggo brain has you all twisted up. I would love to hear more about your dh and his emotional stuff. It might help me with my struggles.

Anonymous said...

it was so much easier for me to write before i actually got preg too. now that kai is here its even harder. so many thoughts in my head and can't seem to make them flow into sentences on a blog. all i know is that cancer can kiss our asses baby! we got our kids anyway! neener neener neener!
love you babe