Sunday, November 9, 2008

This Moment Right Here

A few days ago I was twittering and saw that Sassy Cupcakes twittered this: Man on tv just said it's nearly Christmas. I want to punch him in the face.

I teased, but sitting on my balcony this beautiful autumn morning sifting through the stacks of Xmas adverts that were stuffed in today's newspaper had me feeling the exact same way. It's not nearly Christmas. It's not even close! Can't I just enjoy these gorgeous colors and dark blue fall sky just a little bit before I have to start thinking about holiday obligations? What is wrong with this moment. This moment right here? I put the paper away, took a few deep breaths and tried to refocus on what I should have been focusing on in the first place - the quiet of a Sunday morning spent with my sweetie capturing that last few warm days of fall.

And as we are want to do with a few quiet moments, I had a little revelation.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been immensely disappointed with the size of my belly. Sad that no one can really tell that I'm pregnant. Bothered that the reason I am tired or not game to go out isn't obvious to anyone asking. Maybe I've even been prone to sticking my gut out a little bit on purpose after comments like, "my gosh, I can't believe you're carrying twins!" And maybe, just maybe, I've been secretly wishing that these weeks would move a little faster so I could justify my growing stash of maternity duds and secret stash of chocolate in my desk drawer.

But what is wrong with this moment. This moment right here?

I feel great. And while the changes in my body might not be readily apparent to many, they are to me. My boobs are huge! My belly is firm (a feat unparalleled in my non-pregnant life, teases hubby), a linea negra is beginning to appear and damn if my feet haven't grown a size which is challenging when you are wearing size 10 boots to begin with. Why is it, that once you reach the size 11 aisle in most shoe stores, they assume you are a tranny or cross-dresser and stock accordingly? Yes, I need size 11 shoes. No, they do not need to be clear-heeled platforms thank you.

I am thinking that this is probably the golden period of pregnancy. Besides an obligatory bathroom break, which almost always occurs at 3 am, I sleep through the night. My legs get tired, but by no means has my mobility been disrupted. I can still fit into most of my favorite things and, as previously mentioned, now have no shortage of clothes to fill in for the ones that have taken a back row in my closet for now.

I am thinking that these moments will not last forever.

I have been fascinated by this pregnancy from the moment the two sacs appeared on the monitor. Overjoyed and a little awed at the changes taking place in my body and within our marital relationship. But that doesn't mean that I haven't been nagged by this constant, "this is cool, but I wonder what happens next" mentality which is similar to the thought process behind peddling Xmas decorations before Thanksgiving. Meanwhile there is a perfectly wonderful pregnancy/autumn sky happening right in front of one's eyes.

Which I do plan to savor while I can.

[week 18]


michelle said...

I have followed your blog for awhile and I love this place you are in - happy, content, in the moment, JOYOUS! What a beautiful thing and truly inspiring fo rmore "In-the-momentness" in my own life too.

SassyCupcakes said...

This is a beautiful post. The reason I was bitching about Christmas being forced upon us is because I feel it cheats us of what else is going on between now and then.

I'm so glad you've been able to sit back a bit and enjoy your pregnancy. Take care.

Fate's Granddaughter said...

Not more than a month ago I was feeling exactly the same way you are now. I was so eager for my pregnancy to be visible to world (and I think perhaps needing to see constant evidence myself, as I could hardly believe it was real).

The beauty (and sometimes bain) of pregnancy is that the changes come so quickly and unexpectedly that there is barely a moment to catch up. I literally went away for a week in size 8 jeans and came back wearing pyjama bottoms 5 days later because I had grown so much.

I can't tell you how many people warned me to enjoy the moments you're having right now and not wish yourself into the future. I am glad you seem to be wise enough to know it for yourself already. But do look forward to the moment when you can feel them moving. It is far more satisfying than any visible bump.