I have to post something else here. My last few posts are bringing me down, down, down.
And I wanted to tell you that we are feeling better. (I know I have probably said this a hundred times between December and now only to roll back into some sad) But hey, today is ok. Roll with me.
Ever since the nadir, we've been trying to pro-actively nip this funk in the bud. And I wanted to share some of our strategies. Not saying they'll work for you, or will even work for me every time, but sometimes a combination of them eases my shoulders back a little:
1. ) We've been using these acupressure points - on ourselves and each other. The head points were actually a mandatory home work assignment from my acupuncturist after she witnessed my full meltdown on her table Friday afternoon. They help. I swear they do.
2.) Today is the fifth morning in a row I've gone to the gym. Not just gone, but worked my ass off there. M and I went on Sunday when neither a long walk nor the pressure points helped and I've been going ever since. Instead of crawling back into bed when M leaves for work, I throw on my gear and walk out the door with him and keep walking to the eliptical machine. No weight loss or muscle tone to report just yet (I may even have some weight gain - damn you, pro.vera) but M. swears he can see a noticable difference in my attitude and energy level. I think I can too. Cool.
3.) I have been trying to listen to what people are trying to say to me - not in their words, because let's face it, if I really took all of them at face value, I would get mad every time (no, I'm not going to "get over" this. And yes, we are trying again but I could have a hundred babies and I would still never have Iso.bel or Jo.vita. And no, this isn't "just life." Why should it be?) - so, no. Not the actual words, but what they are trying to tell me when they search for the words. Because there isn't a handbook on this shit and this isn't easy for them, either. I think what everyone is really trying to say is, "we love you and we are here for you, you silly girl, even when you aren't willing to see it. We love you."
4.) I have been reading and re-reading and then reading again your comments on the last few posts. And then sharing a good number of them with M. Particularly those on how you have handled your own memorial services. It is so easy for M. to dismiss other people (see #3) with a "they don't get it" or "they have no clue what we are going through." Ah ha! Those excuses don't work in this little forum, do they? Your words and thoughts have proven invaluable. And I've been meaning to email each and every one of you privately. I hope to get to that soon....
5.) We are going to bed at a rational hour at night - for some reason, we were staying up until past midnight on most nights without any good reason. We used M's freaky work schedule as an excuse, but that's normalized now, and so have we. I think that has helped a lot. Sometime I sleep through the night; other times not so much, but at least I now have a fighting chance at getting a few hours' sleep.
6.) We are planting okame cherry trees by ourselves (well, us and the sweetest retired park service employee you'll ever meet) this weekend. And I feel so relieved. This feels right. What to do on April 11 is still undecided. I think that will work itself out closer to the date. Everyone we have talked to so far has been so kind and understanding about this. Why did I think they wouldn't be? I'm an idiot.
So, there you have it. Nothing really new or revolutionary here. I guess it boils down to trying to eat, sleep and act right with a little bit of acupressure thrown in for good measure, but wow. Hey. It's working. At least for now.
Thank you for sharing, I may just use some of your strategies. I am so proud of you, for going to the gym everyday! That is awesome.
Please if you or M ever need anything just email.
I love you and I am here for you, you silly girl, even when you aren't willing to see it. I love you.
I'm so grateful to know that you and M are finding ways to get through the dark stuff.
I'm also going to start going to bed at more me friendly hours. Learned a lot from the accupuncturist yesterday about that very subject. Will be trying your accupressure points too.
It smells like dirt outside today. I love that smell. Definitely good planting weather.
I am so, so proud of you. DH and I need to do many of these things ourseleves (mostly the gym and going to bed at a reasonable hour!), and I know how much determination it takes to actually make them happen!
Please post pictures of your trees after you plant them :) Its no secret how much we love ours! Our sweet parks employees planted them for us, but DH and I were there. After the parks people left we gave them some water and took pictures. . . it was special. We considered inviting people down, but I thought it could be weird with the parks people there. In the end, they were planted on a Tuesday so no one could come - but it really worked out best for us, I think. I'm hoping you find the same peace. Its bittersweet, for sure.
((Hugs)) sweet girl.
Not that I understand or know what ya'll are going through, but I am so glad you are planting the girls' tree in private. that is what i know we would do in that situation. the 4 of you are always in my thoughts - seriously, every day. not saying anything lately, but you should know that doesnt' mean i'm not thinking of you all. happy spring; happy tree planting. xoxo L.
Keep fighting the funk, all you gotta do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Its great you are taking proactive steps in your healing process. Good for you!! Lots of ((((HUGS))))
I think I need to take lessons from you.
I love the idea of the cherry trees, they will be so beautiful.
PS. Ray tells me he's not depressed but he will be if I don't stop poking his head.
I don't know what you are going through, but I am so honored that you choose to share your journey here. I think your strategies are great for anyone in a funk - even if it isn't catastrophic (like yours) Hope you find a better way every day, one day at a time.
The okame cherry trees sound like the most beautiful idea. I am sure the rest will make it self obvious as the time appears. Until then continue to be kind to yourselves. I am thinking of you guys.
thanks for sharing the strategies. we will try some of them. we're already doing the gym one, and it's a life saver.
i also like the idea of trying to listen to what people are trying to say, rather than the stupid stuff they actually do say. quite sage, that insight. i will try to hold onto it.
glad you were able to come to a decision about the trees. i think your idea sounds lovely. and you'll figure out april 11 later. no hurry. people should be understanding - so i'm glad they are being so.
welcome back from the nadir.
You are amazing and I'm so proud of you for taking such good care of yourself. And I'm taking a moment to say some lovingkindness for you, right now.
May you be happy and peaceful.
May you be healthy and well.
May you be safe from inner and outer danger.
May you live with ease in this world.
I've been taking a much needed break from blog reading and am only now just catching up on the January, February & March posts. I'm glad to see that you seem to be mentally in a better place than those dark, dark days after you lost the girls. And that going back to work seems to have been good for you. I didn't realize how much we had in common (the cancer thing yes, but our job stuff is amazingly similar too). I think of you and M. often (strange I know because we don't really KNOW each other) and I'm so sorry that your little girls aren't here with you this spring as they should have been. But I'm impressed with your strength and your grit and your ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I really liked that story about holding the glass of water- what a great way to think about burdens and grief. I hope that M. is finding peace these days as it sounds like recently its been hitting him incredibly hard. Thinking of you both. PS- used to be Leggy, not sure if I ever shared that I changed my name.
I think exercise always makes a difference. My attitude was the first thing my husband noticed changed too - it just gets out a lot of the anger for me.
And the trees decision - not that you want my opinion but I think it's perfect. This is about yours and M's needs - nobody else's.
I was amazed when I figured out that the days I could cope better were the days after I got a good night's sleep. An hour too little and I was a basket case. Glad you've found some strategies that work for you and M.
excellent strategy ... the benefits of the steps you outline are hard to track in the early days but the fact that your DH sees a change in your energy level and attitude is proof positive that you're getting the upper hand with the funk. meanwhile, we're here for you...
These are all great things. I think that exercising every day in the years after Ernest was born probably saved my life. Sometimes it was just a nice, long walk; but it was so important. So is everything else you are doing.
May you continue to find peace and healing. I wish I could offer you some shortcuts.
Going to the gym really doesn't help doesn't it? I notice a big difference in myself after I've gotten some exercise. I just feel better. Happier.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things to help in the healing process. I am a huge fan of accupuncture- I know it has helped me with the depression/ anxiety that I had experienced(and still sometimes do). I think that the biggest factor is time, unfortunately, as you face the fact that these are the cards that were dealt to you. I can say for me, it has been close to 9 months since I delivered my Sally Ann prematurely. I am definitely still very sad, but I can actually talk about it now without a melt down. I think that therapy has helped me a lot too- especially because I see someone who specializes in this type of grief and loss.
Know that I am here for you...
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