Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Nadir

We woke up this morning and told ourselves today would be better. A day would never be as hard as yesterday. I hope we're right.

You see, on top of everything else, this weekend was the time we had always assumed Iso.bel and Jo.vita would arrive. A few weeks early, but still ok. Here in time to help us welcome spring. Obviously, that didn't happen.

Instead, we spent the day picking out invitations to use to invite people to a "memorial celebration" and I spent the afternoon writing them. Only for M to decide a few hours later that he didn't think he could make it through one. And perhaps we should rethink it all. Not planting the trees, just having others present. All the invites are sitting in their envelopes. Unaddressed, unsent.

The celebration dinner never happened. We got all gussied up, made it to the restaurant, and got as far as bread on the table, one cocktail ordered. M. simply crumpled into tears and started saying something about wrestling magazines and San Diego. And I couldn't understand a fucking word but it was pretty clear that all appetites were lost.

It seems that when I was in San Diego in August trying out the "P" word, M was walking home from the store with magazines in hand and a car pulled over to the side of the road to congratulate him on the wonderful news. That person was the owner of the restaurant we tried to be in last night (and also the girlfriend of our super smooth next door neighbor who looks like Clint Eastwood. That's how she knew.)

And being in a place that reminded him of those happy times was simply too much.

So, we put money on the table and drove to his parents house because we didn't want to go home. Gourmet meals turned into pizza and subs and our company became 3 loving standard poodles who curled in around us, fancy clothes and all. And that helped.

I woke up feeling hopeful this morning, but that feeling has faded and the sad remains. I can keep it together, until I think about interacting with anybody in any way other than email or skype. I don't want to use my voice because I'm afraid it will crack and once it does its all over.

So we are practicing some radio silence today. Over and out.


What IF? said...

I'm thinking of you during this difficult introspective and retrospective time. Guarding your space is important while you grieve the life that would have been. Thank goodness for standard poodles and the unjudgmental, comforting snuggle therapy they provide.

Be good to yourself and M.
Hugs to you both.

Anonymous said...

I wish they were here with you. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel, and I am so sorry. My DH had a complete meltdown at the local mexican eatery, it was awful, it consisted of chips being tossed and him running out of the door.
I know that the memorial will be rally hard for you both, but for us, we are so thankful that we went through with it, it isnt easy, but it gives some closure, at least it did for us.
Keeping you and your hubby close.

Just me said...

I'm sorry you and M are having such a rough weekend. With any loss, there are these milestone moments to get through. "Today would have been the day that..." "It's our first holiday without..." "A year ago today is when it happened..."

Those feelings never go away, but they do tend to appear less often and less sharply.

I think a day of 'radio silence' is a wonderful idea. Love and support each other and just get through the weekend. I hope you'll both feel better on the other side.

Amy said...

I am so sorry that the girls aren't here with you. Take care of yourself and M. I'm thinking of you.

Bluebird said...

There is such a fine line, between pushing yourself to "get out there," and just holeing up inside of yourself and protecting your heart. It seems that you're definitely entitled to do the later right now and I hope your radio silence will allow you to clear your head a bit. Sometimes silence (and poodles, of course!) helps more than anything else.

As for the memorial - I'm sure it goes with out saying, but only you two can decide what will be best for you. Sometimes I wish we had done something like that - but mostly I'm glad we didn't. That just fits our personalities better. We're private people, and I can't really just "be" when there are others around. Maybe you could still plant the trees, and have people get together, just in two seperate events? I think you know that we have trees for our Babies and absolutely love having somewhere to sit and just be with them. I hope you find peace and comfort whatever you decide.

I'm sorry this time has come for you. Sometimes I wish I could just set a calendar on fire - it seems to be filled with nothing but bad (or, at least, bittersweet) rememberances.

lostintranslation said...

Lots of love and hugs to both of you. You're in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

This is my first time ever posting to a blog that I frequent, but want to wish you my support and strength.

I had my loss at 21 weeks in Sept 2008 and I want to tell you that it will get easier. Please know that everything you feel and experience right now, however terrible it is, will not be how it is forever. You will get past this milestone, to face the next, and you'll then you'll get past that next one. It's a long journey, but small steps are still progress.

What is so great about you and your DH is that you're being honest about your feelings and letting them rise up, flow through you and rush out. While this is so, so painful as it's happening, in the long run it's the best thing to help you heal.

Your strength together will get you through. I just know it.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Abiding with you both, M.

Big, big hugs. BIG ones.

chicklet said...

Gawd, the stuff you two are going through is just... just too much. I get why you can't use your voice, why you'd want to hide behind email. You're brave for even trying to go out - seriously.

ezra'smommy said...

I wish things were so very different for you, for all of us. xoxo

annacyclopedia said...

Abiding with you and keeping you and M both in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you all the time and silence you need, and ample access to those wonderful-sounding poodles.

Mo said...


i am thinking of you and your husband. i will have a lot of thoughts about your last two posts. but words are failing me just now. will comment properly soon. i am so very sorry it is such a rough time right now.


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. I'm so VERY very sorry to have not been paying more attention to your blog to have known what was going on this weekend. And to be so selfish to want to take you to H's and have some time with you. Like the last thing you need is any kind of guilt feelings for not wanting to go anywhere.

Several people asked about you last night, also having not been passed the word on Isobel and Jovita. They were very much shocked and saddened to hear what you and M have been through. Liz was in and I shared the announcement you sent with her. We were both teary.

I love you so much and wish I could make it so the pain didn't hurt so much. Didn't come up and smack you on upside the head as it seems to - sometimes out of nowhere. Why the FUCK doesn't this get easier???

I hope that you and M can find some peace and comfort in your online community - and when in you're ready, IRL too.


Smiling said...

sending love through the radio silence. My voice cracks just from reading your post. Oh there are no words. I am so very sorry.

Even if you don't send out the invites, all of us are standing a few paces behind you quietly in memory when you plant those trees

SassyCupcakes said...

I'm thinking of you and wishing there was something more I could say. Take care.

dana said...

You are both in my thoughts and close in my heart.


Cara said...

Thinking of you during this really challenging time of grief. Defining how you memorialize is definately a choice you will make together. In time...lots and lots and lots of it- you may find some bittersweet kind of anticiptaion knowing your special days are coming.


loribeth said...

I'm sorry you weren't able to go through with dinner, but it's understandable. Dh & I ordered in Chinese every year on Katie's anniversary date -- partly because that's what we did when we got home from the hospital, but also because it didn't feel right to be going out to "celebrate" such a sad occasion. Last year we actually did go to a Chinese restaurant instead of ordering in -- but that was after 10 years!

We've never been able to get up the nerve to share her day with anyone else either. Sometimes I wish we had. But sometimes I'm glad that we've kept it as something special for just the two of us. You will eventually work out some rituals that feel right for you. (((HUGS)))

Busted said...

Thinking of you and wishing you had your little ones with you. I can relate to so much that you wrote, we also had tagged a certain time as one when we expected our twins to arrive and it held as much significance as their actual due date. I hope the coming days bring more peace.

Kami said...

My heart breaks for both of you. My thoughts are with you during this horrible time.

You are doing all good things to keep going. Good for you for noticing what you need and didn't need that night. I wish you peace.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I know it has been a few days and I hope that you are starting to get your voice back a little. I'm so sorry - sending my thoughts your way.