Saturday, March 14, 2009

Honest Scraps, Sisterhood and More

(holy crap, this post took forever to write)

In what world does "ASAP" translate to "over a week later"?? Mine, it seems.

First, sincere THANK YOUs! to lostintranslation from We Say IVF They Say FIV , Brendan and Brenna's Mom at Living Without Brenna and Brenna from the Real Bean who nominated me for an Honest Scrap award. lostintranslation also threw in a Sisterhood award there too. Cool! Next, a sincere apology for not having my act together to share the love sooner.

Before I get started, a quick update: we are better. At least better than my last post. Better than this one, too. Trying hard to talk things out, trying to say "yes" to invitations and to minimize our time on the couch, in front of the TV, wine in hand. Don't get me wrong, that course of action was incredibly healing for a while, but maybe that while has passed. Warm weather is helping. Planning for the tree planting ceremony we hope to have on Easter weekend is, strangely, helping. Thinking about what I want Barbara to make for me in her new Tiny Moments of Pure Joy shop is helping.

Some days I am so agitated, sensitive, annoyed and aggressive all at once I cannot stand myself, and I am sure I am pushing the limits of others (I am sorry L. I am sorry John).

Note to self: having babies that die does NOT give me a free pass to be an asshole for the rest of my life.

I should probably write that down on a piece of paper 100 times.

But when I'm not being an ass to the world around me, lately I have been struck by this other very strange feeling. The only way I can explain it is a sense of knowing. Almost as if I am pregnant already, like babies are a foregone conclusion. That someday soon, I will be changing diapers and life will be different. In a good way.

I don't mean to be presumptuous. Not at all. There is no chance of a "miracle oops" here. To be blunt, I got no fucking eggs. But that hasn't swayed this feeling. Would you call it a premonition?

I don't want to speak too much about it. Fear of jinxing, etc, etc. And we still have a bit of a wait before our next cycle begins. ETD: one month from now? But it's there. And I'm not really minding it.

And now on to the awards. Here's how it goes. For Honest Scrap...

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.


Bass in your face! Maybe you recall me mentioning that I've always wanted to play bass guitar in a punk rock band. Well, ain't nothing to it but to do it. I decided last week that talking was for posers. I bought a bunch of books on Amazon and was in the midst of consulting with friends and checking craigslist for cheap starters and a friend said, hey man, I got one in my garage, you can totally borrow it. Just remember, it's a loaner. And OMFG, what a loaner. I am now staring at a GORGEOUS Fender bass guitar and an amp (complete with crystalized piss on it and a missing screen). I can almost play a Violent Femmes tune. How rock star is that?

2.) I can't decide if I love the recently added aspect of my job which has me schmoozing and lobbying with legislators, or if I think it is just about the silliest waste of my time ever. I think maybe both.

3.) I am finally figuring out how to make homemade pizza dough. Without it sucking. And I haven't even pulled out Sarah and Alan's super secret recipe yet. That's coming out soon...

4.) I have a bad habit of buying a lot of stuff for myself while I am Xmas shopping for everyone else. This year, I picked up a green and gray striped waffled long underwear shirt from the Tommy Hillfigger outlet. This is back when I had babies in my belly. I wore that shirt every day. I loved it so much, I went back and bought any other color they had (which wasn't much). So now, I rotate between 3 striped long-sleeved shirts. M is puzzled as to what, exactly, I wore before these shirts. Neither of us can remember.

5.) I miss being in the know. We resigned from our brief stint as nightlife insiders for a local rag when my pregnancy started to progress and M got his new job that was connected with the local newspaper (potential conflict of interest). Despite several really sweet requests, I haven't picked up that pen again, and now there is a new writer/editor there. I don't miss the deadlines and trying to track down flaky artists for interviews, but I do miss the recognition, the invitations, the feeling that we were part of something cool here. Some folks remember, but I'm sensing that will fade fast. Sigh. Back to paying at the door.

6.) I will never buy something that is not on sale.

7.) Getting my inflatable kayak last summer was one of the best purchases (on sale, of course) that I ever made. I cannot tell you how much I love being on the water. Why, oh why hadn't I thought of this sooner? Right now, I am staring out my window wondering if it would be absolutely foolhardy to attempt a float down the river tomorrow.

8.) I wish I were more creative. I wish I could do things like my friend Matt. I have closets full of yarn. Why can't I get beyond the basic scarf and hat? I bought a whole bag full of cross-stitchy gear months ago in the hopes of creating some subversive cross-stitch designs of my own. Hell, I even got some pastels and scratchy sketch paper hoping for some inspiration. Matt told me to go take a line for a walk and see how it ended up. Well, it ended up stooopid. Where are my juices? Why won't they flow? I love art supplies. New pens! Blank canvas! But I am not sure I ever had the talent to fill them.

9.) We have rediscovered box wine. Seriously. Have you tried this? It's not great. It's about as good as two buck chuck, but we dig the cool recycled box. In these economic times.....Whatever. 4 liters! Holla!

10.) The public library is the bomb. M. discovered that our local library somehow has an amazing CD collection that they continue to update and expand. And you can search through the entire public library system and have all your stuff sent to one library. And its all there waiting for you. It's like Xmas every day. At least one of us walks there at least once a week. So even on the crappiest of days, there is almost always a treat waiting for us at the end of a short stroll. How cool is that?

And now, for the Sisterhood award,

Put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

And because I am lazy, I am combining the 2:

and my nominees are:

Mick at WannaBeDad (yeah, I know. You're a dude. But I think you're the bomb. And I think you are man enough to post a Sisterhood award on your blog. In fact, I double dog dare ya)

Mo and Will (Mo is my Hodgkins homie. So, so grateful to you reaching out to me. So happy to watch you and Will move forward)

Lori at Weebles Wobblog (Lori has probably done more to help me shed my adoption anger and angst than any other person. I wish every kid had a mom like Lori.)

Little Bluebirds Fly (I may not comment on every single post. But I want to. Our journeys are so similar, yet, bluebird often has the clarity that I lack, or a perspective that I need to see. I was so thankful for finding this blog)

The Burdens of Being (is one of the few blogger I know that found herself in the exact scenario as us. Still no answers to so many questions, but she's currently nurturing a new baby in her belly. And I hope we can follow in her path)

No Swimmers in the Tube, No Buns in the Oven (one cool lady. period.)

Barbara at Burble (who thinks I'm joking when I say I want to come over and hang out with her and Ray)

Chicklet at Bloorb (who is fast approaching Legend)

Dani819 (I know you don't have a blog, but it didn't feel right leaving you out. Just know that if you did have a blog, I would love for you to post these there.)

Nutmeg96 at Two Shorten The Road (because I have the honor of knowing this cool lady in real life, way before we both got picked by this new team.)


Anonymous said...

I am happy to hear that you and M are doing a little better. DH and I have had our moments along the way since we lost the girls, but we try to make an effort to "get off the couch"
Thank you for sharing your sense of "knowing", and I understand not wanting to jinx it, but I am so glad that you have found some peace.
One month, that is not too far away!

Mick said...

Oh my God! Blush. Thanks for your kind words. I'll get on to that soon :-)

So happy that you are both feeling a little better.

Mo said...


so glad you're both doing a little bit better. i've been thinking of you and hoping you're hanging in there. and i don't know you IRL, but it's hard for me to believe that you've been acting "like an asshole." I remember similarly thinking when I had cancer that maybe I was using it as an excuse sometimes to be whiny or needy or bitchy. But honestly it's so hard to tell where that line is. Try to cut yourself a break, ok? sounds like you're doing the hard work of walking through it all.

and i love that you have a sense of knowing. that is awesome. it must bring you a great sense of peace. will and i are experiencing something sort of akin the past few days (hmmm, maybe because we had an entire petri dish of embryos thrown inside of me?! but seriously, feeling that whatever happens, even if this is another negative cycle, we will come away with very valuable information on how to go from here).

Finally, thank you for nominating us! i'm so glad i found you too, hodgkin's homie!

Hang in there : ) So glad you're back.


Dani819 said...

I second the blush- and your love of the public library (I have planned my entire weekend this week around being able to go there). Thanks so much for including me in this- it's clearly a compliment I don't deserve, blogless wonder that I am!

Bluebird said...

You're adorable. I can't thank you enough for your most recent comment - well, all your comments!, but especially the most recent one - on my blog. You make me laugh and you make me cry, and you make me nod my head in understanding. You make me feel "normal," and for that, I can't thank you enough! And thanks for the award :) I think the Sisterhood one is one of the best out there.

And thanks for the heads up on the wine! I've heard boxed is making a comeback, but I hadn't seen this particular eco-friendly one. I'm on a hunt for it now :)

Care to share any more about your Easter weekend plans? I always host Easter at my house (its the only holiday I "get") and I was bound and determined to this year, even though the babies would be brand new! Anyway, we have trees planed for our babies, and I'm thinking DH and I might just take ourselves a picnic and spend Easter with our babies (kind of) like we had planned.

Much love-

Lori Lavender Luz said...

I would join a sisterhood with you in a heartbeat.

Your words reassure me. I can't tell you how good it feels to read them.

I am so checking out your box wine recommendation.

XO, M.

Anonymous said...

My husband plays bass for a punk rock band - I'll ask him for some other easy starter songs for you. Glad you're doing better.

chicklet said...

I'm an asshole who forgot about this but am on it, soon, really:-). Thanks for thinking of me in the nominations!