Super Quick Fast Post

• Oh, there is nothing like a 7 am email with a link to a front page article about "w*ste, fr*ud and ab*se" in your industry to jolt a communications director out of bed. Screw the coffee. I just now went to the bathroom, even though I've been holding it since about 10 o'clock. My phone is quiet now, which is somehow making me MORE nervous than if it were ringing. Helloooo? Anybody want to hear our side?
  
• Your comments and this conversation that's flowing from the haunted house (and the fact that our Realtor called and said, "the seller is Motivated. Make an offer. Any offer") has us thinking about the big yellow house again. Did I mention it was yellow?If something keeps falling into every conversation we are having, it feels like it deserves a second look and maybe some serious consideration. I think it was Angie's comment (that I totally interpreted in a different way) that is making me want to go back. I really, really appreciate all of your thoughts - many of them align with ours. Its not just a house - its about moving forward, about moving forward with hope. Or moving on. Or both. It's a distraction, its a "here is one thing we DO have control over" kind of thing. Wheels are turning. I'll keep you posted. And,
• That Mo, she is in my head. I'm thrilled that she is back on the blogging wagon after a long summer, but even more excited that someone has been able to put into words the feelings I am having as we explore gestational surrogacy. There are just so many questions and so many thoughts that aren't resolving themselves just yet. Like Mo says, its just hasn't clicked yet. I'm not saying it won't, but I am telling you I am in the process of turning over just one or two more stones before we move on.
• Tonight is dodgeball. Have I mentioned my team rocks? We kept the best from our team last year, recruited a few more people we knew would kick ass and then got a few unexpectedly good players we weren't planning on (friend of a friend, coworkers with friends, etc). And holy shit. Last week's games were over so quickly and were so one-sided we almost felt bad. Almost. I cannot tell you how great it feels to be part of a winning team and to know that in five hours I get to throw things at people and get cheered while I do it.

To recap: I am high on adrenaline from work. We can't stop thinking about The House. Mo is the bomb. This day is halfway over. I'm still here. And tonight will be therapeutic and wonderful.

Reunited and it feels so.....hmm...

Can I get back to you on that?

Yesterday was the day we met my bio dad, his mom, sister and her husband for the very first time. Like, ever.

This I know: I am in love with two feisty, loving, awesome, sassy, smart, funny Jersey ladies. I mean, in full-on love. These are my girls.

That guy that contributed to my birth. Hmm. I'm really gonna have to get back to you on that.

To say I'm still processing it all isn't really true. It's about as processed as its going to get. But perhaps my opinion will get a bit kinder if I sit on it for a while. Mull it over. Talk it through with some folks. A conversation we had with a friend this morning and what he had to say about our recounting of the day actually did give me more food for thought. Maybe I just need some more food for thought.

I could recount all of the things he did/said that made we wince/cringe/roll my eyes/run to the bathroom and text M. (who was there with me, BTW), but then I look like the dick. "Oh m," you might say, "that's not that bad," you could say. Perhaps not, but the culmination of constant foot-in-mouthness (seriously, your jaw would drop) added to the non-stop not pronouncing my name correctly after repeated corrections multiplied by the doing everything that annoys me (please stop repeating yourself and the same stories, please stop adding emphatic footnotes of familial ties anytime you mention someone's name - "oh and so and so, you know, your mother" - yeah. dude I get it and by the way, please STOP TOUCHING ME) contrasted with the absolute wonderfulness of the rest of the family, JFC, I just couldn't take it.

And sure, I bet he was nervous as HELL. And yes, I have been told I can be a little, um, intimidating. And perhaps I was already ready for a rumble based on some previous phone conversations. But dammit, if this is the day you've waiting for your whole life, could you put on a fucking clean t-shirt and pull the cigarette out of your mouth for a goddamn minute? First impressions? Hello? And oh, someone should probably have given you the memo: don't be needy. I fucking can't stand needy.

But let's get back to the bright side: I learned a lot. Namely, I am my mother's daughter, with perhaps a bit of the women from his family added in for spice and sassy. I learned my mother's name. Saw where she lived. Saw a photo. Which is now mine. Learned that not only do my bio dad and I have nothing physical in common, we are about as far apart cerebrally as two people could get. I am tempted once again to add specific examples here but I won't. There's no need.

I think you get the picture.

So, am I sorry we did this? Fuck. No. See my first paragraphs. I now have some amazing new people in my life. And time to figure out that other one. This was all a lot to take in. A lot. Maybe we just need a little more time.

And shit. Time is one thing I have.

Measuring Heartache

• lining measured a whopping 4.9 on Thursday. A whole .2 mm more. How about that.
• My estrogen level is above 2000. Off the charts. So, its not a matter of my body not ingesting the estrogen. It's a matter of my endometrium simply failing to comply.
  
• lining is neither thick nor trilaminar - the 2 things you shoot for for a successful cycle. There are little white spots on the ultrasound which indicate little pieces of scarring. So, 0 for 2 with a little extra punch in the gut. Things don't look good.
  
• what now? this officially turns into a mock cycle with 10 days of progesterone (shots and suppositories, hey!) leading up to an endometrial biopsy around June 11.
  
• if, despite everything, the lining is "in phase," we will move towards an FET. If it is not, we will not. There would be no point.
  

But we're here. At the beach. Managing to eke out a few smiles and laughs over the heartache that really has just become a familiar part of our lives. It is not going to go away, so we might as well acknowledge it. Yes, yes, I see you. You're right there. How could we miss you? And then take things from there.

Comment from M. on the beach after we dodge seagulls that have gathered behind us because a little boy thought throwing his french fries to them was funny (discarded french fries! blasphemy!) and a big rubber ball that came loping down the sand from a game played by another bunch of young 'uns:

"You know, truth be told, I actually liked kids a lot less before. Now I can actually tolerate them. Well, not tolerate them, but I don't hate them. I know some of your friends have trouble seeing kids these days. For me, it's kind of the opposite."

Are you telling me that your kid aversion was really sour grapes?

"Yes. I hated them because I didn't think we could ever have them. But we did. We do."

Two Minute Post

• I'm fine. Souped up on estrogen after the last hysteroscopy, but fine.
  
• Hysteroscopy findings: little piece of scar tissue up in a corner and my lining (endometrium) was apparently super thin. (No shit, sherlocks. You told me to stay undrugged until the procedure. No drugs = no lining. That's how I do.) So, looks like we're taking a crash course of E. (8 mg a day?!?) to see how thick we can get it. Eyes are buggy. Cooch feels funny, but whatever. Next check: May 21.
  
• Birthday was good. Any other year, it would have been fantastic, ranking among the top 5, but, well, the whole "go out and have a good time" we still haven't quite mastered yet when we are by ourselves. Note to self: surround ourselves with friends whenever possible.
  
• DID go have a mojito for Angie AND took a stroll around the Reading Terminal Market, as suggested. Thanks so much for your great advice. We knew exactly where to start our adventures.
• Budget season has begun in PA - working OT to make sure services to children and adults with autism or developmental disabilities aren't gutted. Fine tuning funding requests, honing our arguments, making the rounds, trying to keep our members on alert, but not panicked. Active, but still focused.
  
• Went to work today without brushing my teeth or making our bed. My fault. Crashed back asleep after M. left for work and didn't wake up until I got a crisis email from my boss. Luckily, I work (literally) across the street.
  
• If I sound rushed/frazzled/amped on caffeine, its because I am. But that's ok. I'm in a zone. Just don't tell M. about the caffeine part.

Honest Scraps, Sisterhood and More

(holy crap, this post took forever to write)

In what world does "ASAP" translate to "over a week later"?? Mine, it seems.

First, sincere THANK YOUs! to lostintranslation from We Say IVF They Say FIV , Brendan and Brenna's Mom at Living Without Brenna and Brenna from the Real Bean who nominated me for an Honest Scrap award. lostintranslation also threw in a Sisterhood award there too. Cool! Next, a sincere apology for not having my act together to share the love sooner.

Before I get started, a quick update: we are better. At least better than my last post. Better than this one, too. Trying hard to talk things out, trying to say "yes" to invitations and to minimize our time on the couch, in front of the TV, wine in hand. Don't get me wrong, that course of action was incredibly healing for a while, but maybe that while has passed. Warm weather is helping. Planning for the tree planting ceremony we hope to have on Easter weekend is, strangely, helping. Thinking about what I want Barbara to make for me in her new Tiny Moments of Pure Joy shop is helping.

Some days I am so agitated, sensitive, annoyed and aggressive all at once I cannot stand myself, and I am sure I am pushing the limits of others (I am sorry L. I am sorry John).

Note to self: having babies that die does NOT give me a free pass to be an asshole for the rest of my life.

I should probably write that down on a piece of paper 100 times.

But when I'm not being an ass to the world around me, lately I have been struck by this other very strange feeling. The only way I can explain it is a sense of knowing. Almost as if I am pregnant already, like babies are a foregone conclusion. That someday soon, I will be changing diapers and life will be different. In a good way.

I don't mean to be presumptuous. Not at all. There is no chance of a "miracle oops" here. To be blunt, I got no fucking eggs. But that hasn't swayed this feeling. Would you call it a premonition?

I don't want to speak too much about it. Fear of jinxing, etc, etc. And we still have a bit of a wait before our next cycle begins. ETD: one month from now? But it's there. And I'm not really minding it.

And now on to the awards. Here's how it goes. For Honest Scrap...

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

**

1.) Bass in your face! Maybe you recall me mentioning that I've always wanted to play bass guitar in a punk rock band. Well, ain't nothing to it but to do it. I decided last week that talking was for posers. I bought a bunch of books on Amazon and was in the midst of consulting with friends and checking craigslist for cheap starters and a friend said, hey man, I got one in my garage, you can totally borrow it. Just remember, it's a loaner. And OMFG, what a loaner. I am now staring at a GORGEOUS Fender bass guitar and an amp (complete with crystalized piss on it and a missing screen). I can almost play a Violent Femmes tune. How rock star is that?

2.) I can't decide if I love the recently added aspect of my job which has me schmoozing and lobbying with legislators, or if I think it is just about the silliest waste of my time ever. I think maybe both.

3.) I am finally figuring out how to make homemade pizza dough. Without it sucking. And I haven't even pulled out Sarah and Alan's super secret recipe yet. That's coming out soon...

4.) I have a bad habit of buying a lot of stuff for myself while I am Xmas shopping for everyone else. This year, I picked up a green and gray striped waffled long underwear shirt from the Tommy Hillfigger outlet. This is back when I had babies in my belly. I wore that shirt every day. I loved it so much, I went back and bought any other color they had (which wasn't much). So now, I rotate between 3 striped long-sleeved shirts. M is puzzled as to what, exactly, I wore before these shirts. Neither of us can remember.

5.) I miss being in the know. We resigned from our brief stint as nightlife insiders for a local rag when my pregnancy started to progress and M got his new job that was connected with the local newspaper (potential conflict of interest). Despite several really sweet requests, I haven't picked up that pen again, and now there is a new writer/editor there. I don't miss the deadlines and trying to track down flaky artists for interviews, but I do miss the recognition, the invitations, the feeling that we were part of something cool here. Some folks remember, but I'm sensing that will fade fast. Sigh. Back to paying at the door.

6.) I will never buy something that is not on sale.

7.) Getting my inflatable kayak last summer was one of the best purchases (on sale, of course) that I ever made. I cannot tell you how much I love being on the water. Why, oh why hadn't I thought of this sooner? Right now, I am staring out my window wondering if it would be absolutely foolhardy to attempt a float down the river tomorrow.

8.) I wish I were more creative. I wish I could do things like my friend Matt. I have closets full of yarn. Why can't I get beyond the basic scarf and hat? I bought a whole bag full of cross-stitchy gear months ago in the hopes of creating some subversive cross-stitch designs of my own. Hell, I even got some pastels and scratchy sketch paper hoping for some inspiration. Matt told me to go take a line for a walk and see how it ended up. Well, it ended up stooopid. Where are my juices? Why won't they flow? I love art supplies. New pens! Blank canvas! But I am not sure I ever had the talent to fill them.

9.) We have rediscovered box wine. Seriously. Have you tried this? It's not great. It's about as good as two buck chuck, but we dig the cool recycled box. In these economic times.....Whatever. 4 liters! Holla!

10.) The public library is the bomb. M. discovered that our local library somehow has an amazing CD collection that they continue to update and expand. And you can search through the entire public library system and have all your stuff sent to one library. And its all there waiting for you. It's like Xmas every day. At least one of us walks there at least once a week. So even on the crappiest of days, there is almost always a treat waiting for us at the end of a short stroll. How cool is that?

**
And now, for the Sisterhood award,


Put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

And because I am lazy, I am combining the 2:

and my nominees are:

Mick at WannaBeDad (yeah, I know. You're a dude. But I think you're the bomb. And I think you are man enough to post a Sisterhood award on your blog. In fact, I double dog dare ya)

Mo and Will (Mo is my Hodgkins homie. So, so grateful to you reaching out to me. So happy to watch you and Will move forward)

Lori at Weebles Wobblog (Lori has probably done more to help me shed my adoption anger and angst than any other person. I wish every kid had a mom like Lori.)

Little Bluebirds Fly (I may not comment on every single post. But I want to. Our journeys are so similar, yet, bluebird often has the clarity that I lack, or a perspective that I need to see. I was so thankful for finding this blog)

The Burdens of Being (is one of the few blogger I know that found herself in the exact scenario as us. Still no answers to so many questions, but she's currently nurturing a new baby in her belly. And I hope we can follow in her path)

No Swimmers in the Tube, No Buns in the Oven (one cool lady. period.)

Barbara at Burble (who thinks I'm joking when I say I want to come over and hang out with her and Ray)

Chicklet at Bloorb (who is fast approaching Legend)

Dani819 (I know you don't have a blog, but it didn't feel right leaving you out. Just know that if you did have a blog, I would love for you to post these there.)

Nutmeg96 at Two Shorten The Road (because I have the honor of knowing this cool lady in real life, way before we both got picked by this new team.)