Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Don't Need a "Walk" to "Remember"

Dear ________ Hospital,

So please take your invitation and shove it up your ass. I really did not need to remember the moments leading up to the death of my children. But now they are playing in a continuous loop in my brain. Nonstop. I would rather not have been reminded that you ignored our pleas, stuck us in an observation cubicle for HOURS after the midwife said don't WORRY, failed to contact ANY doctor until my husband screamed that he refused to have his babies born in a hallway.

I didn't need to recall that the care we received didn't begin until death was a foregone conclusion.

Did you really want me to Remember that we blame you? But not as much as I blame myself.

The coup de grace was the handwritten note from the hospital's grief counselor. Did you know she's been "thinking of" us and our family? Really? That's so interesting. I never would have known since this is your first contact with us in almost a year. Tell you what, don't even worry about it.

I am so filled with hate and anger this morning, I am not sure how I am going to function. But I have to. I made M promise to call me when he gets into the office because I don't trust he can either. But he has to.

And this is how we live these days.


Anonymous said...

I don't really have any advice that wouldn't land you in jail. You have every right to be mad as hell and I'm sorry you have to continually have reminders of everyone at the hospitals stupidity.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and M.

Sue said...

I'm sorry their insensitive letter brought back so many bad memories. Not really what you need right now.

Petra said...

Fuck them... it's terrible you had to receive such a "thoughtful" (aka: fucking awful) letter... I'm sorry you had to go through this.

After Sky died, I was still on the Mailing-list labeled "pregnant" and for months on end would receive free samples of food (for the appropriate age), pacifiers, booklets and flyers. My repeated pleas for unsubscribing and emails that I don't need these things were ignored. it finally took a phone-call where I made a perfect scene and told them to just fuck off, never ever contact me again or I'd sue them for "emotional torture".

Felt strangely good afterwards.
On bad days I hope they call again and I can let all my anger out on them.

Fuck... this is how we live.

m said...

It is seriously a relief to see that I was not overreacting. At first I thought I was. Then I told M. He went ape shit. Is it bad to say your collective anger made me feel better?

Petra, yeah, I still get the samples and the magazines too. Strange, I can look past them, not even see them. I just pitch them (and feel bad about the wasted paper, but oh well). I've emailed and even received "sorry for your loss" emails back. But still they come. Sigh. Those I can overlook. This, notsomuch.

The fact that the nonexistent grief counselor felt a need to personalize it with a note on the back somehow makes it worse. Like, no, no, you obviously did not hear a word we said.

And to top it off, now that I think about it, I actually DID tell off the hospital and told them to remove us from any and all future mailings. How did this one slip through?


Holly said...


If you gave me their information, I would write them a letter on your behalf that they will never forget, I would bring those assholes to tears.


Kami said...

First of all, you did absolutely nothing wrong. All those things you had wished you had done differently? They would not have made a difference.

Secondly, they are absolutely fuckers to send that. I think you should take the response you posted here and send it to them.

m said...

Thank you, Kami. And I would, but I think M is working on a response for us. I think he could probably use that exercise.

Two Shorten the Road said...

Wow. That invitation is just one very terrible idea on top of another. What a nightmare. And the note from the grief counselor is just disengenuous. I am so sorry you had to see that.

Even for people who didn't get mistreated the way you did, why would they want to come back to the hospital for a mixer? WTF?

Dani819 said...

You know, mostly what I feel these days about everything we've been through is sad, until I remember our experience at the hospital- and then I want to kick some serious ass.

I think there should be a procedure for getting on a hospital's version of a do-not-call list.Hope M is writing one heck of a letter.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this today.

still life angie said...

ARGH! This is so infuriating. I just think you need to add a few more fuck yous in there. They deserve it. And I absolutely do not think you are overreacting. I think you are being kind to them.

Also, if I could take a moment, what is wrong with grief counselors? After six sessions of seeing ours, we called her to make an appointment, twice, and she didn't call us back FOR TWO MONTHS! Way to be there in a crises, dude.


Liz Ellwood said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. I hope it was a big mistake and they realize it before hurting more people who are trying to heal. Ignorance sucks.

Smiling said...


yup that is the only word that comes to mind. If we were in grade school I would tattle on the hospital for you... sadly life is way bigger and more unfair and with less recourse now a days in grown up land. best of luck surviving this day.

while there is no way to 'grieve' incorrectly, there are so many ways for those trying to help with it to get horribly wrong.

FET Accompli said...

I am fuming. I hate that place.

April said...

I'm so sorry. They have no right to try and appease whatever it is they're trying to appease by sending a weak and inappropriate handwritten "thinking of you" on their totally inappropriate and insensitive letter. Not fair. Not fair. Not fair.

Anonymous said...

I understand exactly what you mean...We received a phone call every day after our daughter died asking us what arrangements we had made for her body. The final straw came when on the 3rd or 4th day (of a long holiday weekend to make it worse) the lady told my husband we needed to "have IT picked up." He went ballistic on her over the phone and could not believe she had referred to our daughter as an IT. Thankfully I was not home. Is it wrong for me to wish that woman suffers a little?

I got to open every piece of the 200+ letters telling us how much the insurance was billed for her delivery and the 27 days she lived in the PICU.

Then a month after she died, the grief counselor started calling. And sending me books. And information about meetings.

So I am a mother with the weight gain (almost all gone now), the flabby mommy tummy (will probably never go away), the stretch marks, and no baby. I don't need a grief counselor to call and tell me it's ok to be sad and he wants to help. It's just annoying. And insulting.

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

Oh, my goodness - I know this feeling. We received wonderful care from our physicial and hospital - but I ran into the chaplain yesterday at church, and she said she "thinks of [us] so often." Then why didn't she reply to the thank you e-mail I sent her, why didn't she call, why is it only when she runs into us?

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.