Sunday, September 20, 2009

Into the Water

On Friday, I decided that I needed to go for a swim. A long, exhausting swim. I remembered that I swam a LOT right after Isa and Jovi died. And it always soothed me. If nothing else, it made me so tired that I couldn't focus on the grief and the anger and the injustice of it all. I remembered that it made me feel like I was healing. And last week, it felt like some wounds had been reopened and could use some salve.

This morning I woke up and my back and shoulders were sore. Oh gosh, am I that stressed? No. NO. I remembered that that is what if feels like when you work muscles that have been stagnant too long. And I relished the soreness.

This morning, I glanced at Because love it or hate it, I can't resist checking in now and then, and I saw this update from my friend H.
The morning is crisp and promising, and I'm excited for a day of breadbaking, teriyaki and grilled pineapple, loud music and a vintage apron, cocktails and company.

And smiled because it is so vintage H. And as I was envisioning H. in her apron up to her elbows in flour, sipping a cocktail, trying to decide which music to play for her company, I realized that, you know what, like all of us, H. has had a handful of really shitty things happen to her in her life. Things that have absolutely shaped the beautiful person she is now.

But those aren't the things she talks about. Those aren't the pieces of her that she shares with anyone who will listen. She'd rather tell you about the recipe she just tried, or the perfect campsite her and her husband just found, or the moment of quiet reflection she enjoyed the other morning on her little porch. Those are the things she wants you to know about her. Because they give her joy.

I need to be more like H.

I need to remember to share the good days along with the messy ones with you here. Because there definitely are some. Even when there aren't full days, there are moments. And what more do we have, really, than a collection of moments?

This afternoon, I dropped M. off at his parents and see that I have most of the day to myself. A beautiful, sunny almost-autumn day. And I will not spend it wallowing in a "this time last year...." funk. I will put a load in the laundry, take out the trash, grab my bag and head to the gym. Do I brave the crowded riverfront for a run or do I want the comfort of the treadmill? Either way, I will slide into the water when I'm done. And swim myself sore. And with each stroke, I'll reflect on some of the many, many questions I threw down here the other week like a gauntlet to myself:
How many times do I have to say "My heart is open for what comes next" until I believe it?
As many times as it takes.


Nadine said...

Great headspace, your strong, you can do it, it does get better (it has to).

B's Mom said...

Good for you.

Anonymous said...

You are right. There will always be good days and there will be bad days. We just gotta enjoy the good days while they are here because we never know how long they are going to last. Sounds like you had a great workout. :)

Bluebird said...

What an incredibly strong and inspiring post.

I often say that I use my blog to say the things I can't say to anyone else - meaning, the sad, down in the dumps, pity party things. And that's well and good. But I could definitely stand to be more like H.

Thank you.

Oh, and you're right about your mantra. Definitely worth repeating myself :)

jill said...

Yep, as many times as it takes. Sometimes you won't believe it but sometimes it'll sink in a little deeper...

Positive thinking is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'll be looking forward to reading your good moments but am always here to hear about the bad as well.


Smiling said...

I want to be like H too!!!

So brave to be open, when you the full range of experiences that can be thrown your way, it is a great mantra.

Keep repeating it

Keep living - whatever form that takes for you. Swimming for you, rowing for me. There are some amazing moments ahead, I just know it! :)

Sue said...

I know you'll get there - it just takes some time.

Kami said...

What a beautiful post! I need to be more like H too - and more like my husband - to be happy with what we have and enjoy and celebrate the good times.

I love the image of H with the flour and the apron and the cocktail.

annacyclopedia said...

As many times as it takes, indeed.

Just love this post.

nancy said...

after your past few posts, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending out some really good healing of the mind and heart vibes. ~hugs~ a zillion times over.

Cara said...

Gorgeous post and ideals. Time does allow us more of the joyful and less of the wallowing days...

hope it was a good one for you.

chicklet said...

You are incredibly strong trying to take this head-on and holding your head up. It's what I totally hope I would do, but kudos to you for doing it.

dana said...

a little late in commenting...and i second what everyone's already posted.

also, had to giggle about the soreness of muscles. a few months ago i hired a trainer and have been working out. a lot. everytime he makes me do these press thingys (push up type), EVERY bone in my upper back/shoulder area cracks. it's literally like putting your ear to a bowl of rice krispies. he thinks it's funny. i tell him to STFU.

i hope your days are getting better and i think of you & m often.

much love.