Monday, September 7, 2009

In No Particular Order

  • How are we ever going to find a house if nothing I see is bigger/nicer/better than the apartment we rent now?
  • Does searching for a house now make sense, or is it completely ridiculous? Does waiting to see whether or not a child is in the future seem more prudent, or does it relegate yet one more aspect of our lives into that "wait and see" category thereby stunting any development? Keeping it static and unknown?
  • Do I even want a house? If so, why? (note: so I can have a place to store a real kayak is not an adequate response)
  • What is so wrong with renting? Particularly if the rental property is quite tony if I do say so myself?
  • How will I reinvent my creation myth if/when I find that I have nothing in common with my birth father? When I confirm that he is far more similar to my adopted parents than I ever would have expected?
  • Where did I come from?
  • When will M. shake this constant state of anxiety he has placed himself in? Will it fade once his boss returns from her ill-timed honeymoon, or has he made the conscious choice to engulf himself in work indefinitely since "it's all I got."
  • Does planning your wedding/honeymoon to coincide with the busiest time of the year at your office make you: a.) selfish b.) clueless c.) brilliant? Discuss.
  • Will our next IVF cycle ever happen? When?
  • Am I truly this unhappy in my current workplace, or have I created a scapegoat for other issues?
  • Is my "one year plan" to pull myself out of my boss' (very, very large and imposing) shadow sensible and long-awaited, or terribly ill-timed and irrational?
  • Can I live with being in the exact same place/position/role 10 years from now? If so, then staying will be fine.
  • Why have I waited so long to question her authority? (answer: because I am lazy)
  • Why have I not reached out to a.) a potential surrogate b.) the grief counselor I said I would find c.) the life/career coach my colleague highly recommended?
  • am I "getting the most out of" this cycle-free time or am I simply not taking care of myself? Does this make me feel better/worse? Discuss.
  • Does a bottle of wine a night between two healthy, able-bodied adults seem excessive to non-Americans? Why do I feel slightly guilty for this habit?
  • If I care so little about my current job, why am I working on Labor Day? (answer: because there are some people there that I DO care about very much and to not would leave them in the lurch when I go to Delaware later this week to see my parents.)
  • How, exactly, do I plan to tell my parents that I have found my birth father, spoken to him twice, and plan to see him, his sister and his mother in November?
  • How weird is it that I think my birth father and my brother could be best friends?
  • How should I tell my brother about finding my birth father? Should I? (yes. I think yes.) Should I do this before or after I tell my parents?
  • Why is it that I think finding my birth father will bring me closer to my adopted parents rather than what they fear? How will I allay those fears?
  • Why am I suddenly feeling so defensive about my birth father? My adopted parents?
  • When did I phase into this latest phase of grief - the one where images and emotions from the past seem to jump out and into my mind seemingly out of nowhere and then disappear just as fast? They are nightmare visions, clear as day, and feel as if I have been punched, or like I wasn't watching where I was going and walked into a wall. They are unsettling and disturbing and I don't quit know what to make of it all. Sometimes it is an image, another time a realization.
  • I cannot reminisce about my pregnancy. Right now, I have been trying to block out harder than ever the "this time last year" thoughts since last September was truly bliss. And this is so not. Is this avoidance healthy, or simply prolonging a full-on melt-down?
  • Why haven't I called a grief counselor? What am I waiting for? Is it because I feel fine right now? Do I realize I do not have to be in the midst of a crisis before I reach out to find help I need?
  • Why is it so hard for me to reach out?
  • Why do I have to be so fucking independent? Is independent simply a euphemism for an uglier word? What would that word be?
  • Why do I wince when my birth father calls me "baby"?
  • Why do I see allowing someone to love me as losing or giving up something as opposed to gaining? Is this the issue?
  • How many times do I have to say "My heart is open for what comes next" until I believe it?


Anonymous said...

Phew - you have a lot on your plate. Sending love.

FET Accompli said...

The questions. There are so many. Many of ours overlap, and many of ours differ. I find it cathartic to get them out - there's just something about delineating them all in a row. Hope they served that function? Sending hugs.

Sue said...

Fear of the unknown is a convincing argument for continuing to do the same thing, which seems safe. You do indeed have a lot of new things within reach. Take your time and consider which ones might be of benefit to you. All at once is too much.

I look forward to reading more about what you decide to do. You'll be in my thoughts, and I'm wishing you well.

B's Mom said...

You have a lot going on!

I really, really think you should talk to a counsoler. I know it's hard. I know it makes you feel weak. But I truely think that it would help you answer many of these questions. Or, at the very least, it would help you sort all this out.

annacyclopedia said...

I don't know.

But I do know that asking all these questions is a good sign, even though it can be exhausting and overwhelming. And I suppose I think of the question-asking as a good sign because I am a question-asker, too, and it makes me like you even more. Just wishing you peace and answers in a reasonable sequence and at a handle-able speed.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

This is a very weighty list.

This is the one that resonates for me:

"Why do I see allowing someone to love me as losing or giving up something as opposed to gaining? Is this the issue?"

May you find some resolve with all your musings.

Nadine said...

Holy questions girl!
It's f*n hard when so many things are up in the air (this at least for me) so maybe making 3 lists.
1. things I can solve short term
2. things i can solve long term
3. things I have no control over

This really helped me when I was living in a house we hated, a city we hated (where i could never get decent work) and was branded terminally infertile.

We solved them, sorta, we moved back to the city we loved, I found a short term job until I could get a job more appropriate (and for issue 3 - I accepted that I have a uterus of Doom, and believe it or not, now 18 months after the UOD diagnosis I am okay with it, most of the time).

Your parents will understand your desire to get to know your bio parents (my bff was adopted and she wanted to know her bio parents and the wondering past and she felt better).

Anonymous said...

Yikes. That is a LOT of stuff. Are you sleeping at all? I too have many of these same questions, and I am convinced much of it is the Taurus in us. :)

You are SO far ahead by just writing these things down and - as FET said - getting them out.

I wish I had something more concrete and/or substantial to say here. I will definitely be reading your list again... and look forward to learning the answers to your questions.


Kami said...

If I may offer my 2 cents on a few subject?

I understand not going to a counselor. I didn't really start going on a regular basis - and taking the time to find a good fit for me - until almost a year had passed. You get by, you survive, what more do you need? Then I couldn't get pregnant again and the stress started piling up until I knew I couldn't handle it any more. The right counselor really helped me cope better than I was.

Nothing wrong with renting or looking. You are in survival mode right now, my advice is to do what makes sense now . . . these things will work themselves out.

Hmmm . . . do American's drink more? I don't drink that much, but I still don't see anything wrong with a couple of glasses of wine at night.

"Wow" about the whole birth father thing. No advice here, but curious to see how it all unfolds. My thoughts are with you.

Oh, selfish of the honeymoon person.

My counselor often said, "Don't stuff it." when I wanted to just pretend the bad stuff didn't happen. I don't know it it is bad or not . . . long term, probably not, but short term? Survival mode . . . one day at a time.

Hang in there. You have so much going on. Be gentle with yourself and find peace and joy where you can.

Bluebird said...

I so hope you found some tiny little piece of peace or clarity by writing all this down! I so wish I/ we could help - I don't even know where to start! I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel :(

still life angie said...

I'm sure it is not consolation, but those are all very good questions. Many of which I too would like the answer to. I have some insights...Buying a house makes sense as an investment, but sometimes I wish I didn't have all the expenses that come with it--insurance, taxes, repairs. Sometimes I still want to be semi-nomadic and apartment living can be easier to pick up and leave. Sometimes I feel like I can never be happy, when I read back statements like that.

My husband and I also used to split a bottle of wine quite regularly, like almost every night, and justified it's not even two glasses a piece, they drink a bottle a person in France,not that we really know if that is true.

Wedding planning during a busy time is GENIUS.

There are some really tough, beautiful statements in this post...I believe your last statement can be flipped around into "What happens next will open your heart." With love to you.

Amy said...

I wish I had some wisdom to offer...but I'm here, and I'm listening.

Two Shorten the Road said...

I winced, too, when I read that your birth father calls you "baby." It's too soon, right? And if he calls a lot of people that, then that's worse.

Did it help two write this all down? For me, sometimes that's as good as counseling.

I hope you find some peace soon.

April said...

All you ever have to do is ask. That's all. That's the hard work.

Mick said...

You don't have to let this comment be published but here's my tuppence worth:

1) I think searching for a house is a wonderful idea. We moved. We don't regret it. Bad memories make themselves cosy.

2) We bought our flat before we knew my wife was pregnant. We didn't even consider that she might be. Now, in hindsight we know that our flat is way too small. We'll survive but I wish I'd taken babies into consideration before I bought it. :-)

3) Renting is okay, but I've discovered that it's better if you feel as if you've accomplished something by buying one of your own. (Over here a mortgage is cheaper than renting anyway, so it's win win)

4) I haven't shaken off my anxiety. It's there, waiting round every corner. When I look at my little girl, I am filled with "What ifs?". It won't go away, we just get better at ignoring it.

You should tell your brother, it could be a turning point. Not just for him.

Jesus you have a lot on your plate. My heart goes out to you both. Good luck.

Cara said...

writing them down was a good don't have to hold them in your mind all the time now.

thinking of you as you navigate this.

Anonymous said...

Counselling didn't work for me after my dad's murder. Maybe kind of a little bit. But not really. But everyone is different, it might be just what you need. I found it just creates "more". I don't know how else to put it, more of the murder. Re-visiting painful places is only good if it's healing, otherwise it's just re-visiting a painful place for no reason at all.
On the wine thing - hmmmm. Lots of people will say this is condescending or patronising, but alcohol is a depressant. Personally, I totally stopped drinking for a while and have never felt so good in all my life. I still love red wine, so went back to having a few drinks here and there, but I keep it as a treat now. Spiritual perspective - alcohol actually damages your aura! Clairvoyants can see holes and cracks and tears when people have been drinking or using recreational drugs. It totally messes with your energy. OK I'll shut up now :-)