Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Parklife

Last night's dream started out awesome. I mean awesome. One minute I was getting free samples of some fabulous fudge from a market stand - every flavor you could imagine - and casually chatting with the owner (random). The next I was making out with Da.mon Al.barn from Blur (beyond random, but I'm not complaining.) And when I say making out, that is a totally PG version of the R-rated goodness that was really going down. In the midst of swapping spit, he stops and just looks at me. Contemplating.

"What? What's up?"

"Oh nothing. I just forgot how, how large you actually are."

wtf.

Way to bust my bubble, dude. Sure, we resume our lip lock. But it's not the same. Just not the same...

Not sure where to go with this. Sure, I've been beating myself up for not getting out and moving more, finding myself literally talking myself out of going to the gym as I have bag in hand, especially since my little motivational burst a week or so ago. But when that motivational burst is immediately followed by at least a 3-lb weight gain, it's kinda hard to stay focused, 'know'I'mean?

No new cycle has started yet, but should soon. But when? When? Obviously, it makes a ton of sense for me to exercise NOW, while I can. Start stuffing M. with nuts and seeds before a drop date is scheduled....

Am I really going into this with so little hope? Am I just convinced that whatever I/we do won't make a difference? Will my attitude shift once there are real dates? Real benchmarks to reach? Is the abstract all too much for me right now?

I have this little journal - more like a random compilation of To Do lists, notes and reminders. And in it, every few pages or so, it seems I have a new list. Yoga! Run! Prenatals! Eat right! Exercise! Get your Mind Right! It's like, if I keep writing it on a new page, one day it will stick. Sometimes it does - at least enough to get one or two items checked off in a day. But not enough.

But enough for what?

Oh Da.mon. Way to be a dick.

9 comments:

AKD said...

Make fun of him for being a cartoon half the time! :)

Lindsay said...

Way to ruin a great dream Damon! But hey, I would've loved that minus the 'big' comment.
I'm sure your lack of motivation is a survival method. You'll be filled with hope once a cycle begins I'm sure.
Go easy on yourself. You're in my thoughts, and I have your bracelet finished, just have to wait till the first of the week to mail it.

XO lindsay

Bluebird said...

I'm pretty sure "exercise" and "lose weight" are on just about every to do list I've ever made. And. . . yeah, not so much :)

Super bizare dream, btw. If I remember correctly, your husband does *not* read here, right? ;)

FET Accompli said...

Why did that dream have to go sour?? I never used to have R-rated dreams - this year I've had two. Weird!

I know what you mean about goals. It's like one step forward and two steps back. I'll do yoga, start to get really good, and then some body part hurts and I have to stop for a couple weeks and then it's sort of back to square one. But it's okay to start small! It's the only way - a bit of exercise (or insert other things we are supposed ot do) is better than no exercise.

April said...

Screw exercise. Drink the good wine and enjoy the fudge.

That's probably bad advice...no better kind, right?

nancy said...

for some reason i missed the first line of "last night's dream" and didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. I thought that was all happening for real. Heh.

You can only go into something with as much hope as you are willing to lose. all so normal.

Kami said...

He is a bastard!

You, my friend, are just fine. A few pounds? Whatever! It will come off, you will find your motivation again it just might take some time. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Bluebird said...

Thinking of you. Hope things are going "well" (a relative term, of course!)

April said...

Left you an award on my blog, because I think you're fantastic. :)

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